End of life and siblings acting badly to caregiver (me)! Any advice? - AgingCare.com

End of life and siblings acting badly to caregiver (me)! Any advice?

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Sadly, my mom had a fall a couple weeks ago (I live with her) and hit the back of her head. She suffered a brain bleed and has been in and out of hospital and back in Rehab. It is not looking good. I have been estranged from family for a long while, due to my standing up to my brother. The other 6 siblings go along with him and wife as they wine and dine them.

Now, at end of life, my oldest brother who did little for my mom while alive (and is executor) thinks he is man about town. My mom already had a DPOA in place as well as the DNR, which she signed in her doctors office with me 3 years ago. Behind my back at the hosp. they changed it and put my brother and sister in front of me, when I was second in line and sister third.

My brother says he is the spokesman, but is not speaking to me so I do not know what is up with her healthcare. The doc at Rehab will not tell me anything and said he needs to tell me Can I force anything since I have been the caregiver for ages? I cannot believe how sick and cruel siblings can be. My second to the oldest brother never wanted the position, yet I think the oldest is too weak, so he is "helping" him and taking over when he said he did not want it He has definite control issues.

As you can guess, this family is disjointed. The other point is that I live with her and I was told by counselor to be prepared for them to sell the house as soon as she passes and I will get evicted. I have sacrificed job opportunities and my life and yet can I really expect this?

And does anyone know of a 92 year old surviving after a subdural hematoma? I am so sad about my mom and seeing her this way. It hurts so badly, and yet, I do not know how to deal with this or even move on and take care of my own health and future (soon to be 57) when all this junk is going on.

Thanks.

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I'm so sorry. Your siblings will be pulling the rug from under you. Ruthless people. Only think of themselves and don't consider what we caregiver's went through all those years of caregiving. Only what they can get from ... sigh.. I went through this with mom's death. I now have an idea of what's going to happen to me when dad dies. It will be similar like your situation. There's really nothing you can do about it. Your mom chose to make them POA first and secondary. You just need to now find a way to get a job and brainstorm on an alternate living arrangement. Just reading your post made my heart beat so fast. It's hitting me too close to home. {{hugs}}
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I had a similar situation and I had to move in the middle of dad's health crisis. My dad and I lived together so I could care for him. Financially it was 50/50. Once he went into the nursing home finances changed and I had to hightail it out of that house. I had to move in the middle of getting my dad settled in at a nursing home with a brain disease. It was very stressful, I spent one day falling apart but then I had to find a new place and get moved. And find some way to pay for it. To this day and looking back upon my life I never experienced so much stress but somehow I got through it. I sacrificed over 5 years of my life in this house caring for my dad but it didn't count for much in the end. I still had to move.

I know this sounds like a cliché but you do it one day at a time. Decide what you need to do each day (and make it a reasonable list) and tackle it one day at a time. As it always does, time will move on and move you with it and you'll be on the other side of it.

I agree with pam, let your brother be the go-to guy. Do you know how huge of a responsibility that is? Everyone wants a piece of you. Family, medical staff, social services, Dr.'s., rehab therapists, etc. Having my dad in rehab and then in a nursing home was a full-time job in and of itself and had someone else stepped up I would have gladly given over the reigns.

Let us know how you're doing and how you're doing walking through this. And you WILL walk through it.
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Your brother is doing you a favor by taking over, I know you don't see that now, but he is sheltering you from some very difficult decisions. You are not the only one who feels helpless, your whole family does.
You did not say how rehab is paid for , but if it is being covered by Medicaid, they will have a lien on the property. Usually the lien is more than the value of the property. Medicaid would give you a hardship exemption to stay there, but without any income to pay taxes, utilities etc. I don't see how you could. So sorry.
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