What can I do when siblings accusing me of killing father? - AgingCare.com

What can I do when siblings accusing me of killing father?

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my father died on my care but with end stage n of kidney and liver n lung cancer I managed to take him off hospice to take him to country as his wish n passed the following day in peace with his family on the side but am surprised that my brothers who did not want anything to do with his care had their opinion that his father would have used better care than wht I help him for five yrs any way we gave him a decent burial and after calling me name I took flight back home here in USA now mum tells me my brother who thought i didnt care my father .well he has issues with his kidneys too,and its had to get good dialysis in their country n my mum talks like the only position is for him to come here for treatment and I FEEL so mad for them acussing me killing their father how can even say to him I never talk to them sinc i feel I hate them so much

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As Jeannegibbs wisely said, people often feel that they have to blame someone else, especially if they feel guilty about their own behavior. Your family likely feels guilty for not doing what they should have done, so they've blamed you for your father's death even though you were honoring his wishes.

I agree that your nourishing your anger will mainly harm you. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting but try, even if you need to see a counselor, to air your rightful anger. In the end you'll benefit.

As far as your brother goes, you'll have to decide whether or not you can do what is requested. It seems that you could compromise. Say that you will look into arrangements but that you won't take on full care. This only holds if he can see that the family was unjust to you. If they continue to abuse you, then while you can still forgive, you may have to say that you've done all that you can.

Whatever you decide, I'd suggest counseling. This is a terrible situation to cope with on your own.
Take care of yourself - that matters!
Carol
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See if I've got this right:
You cared for your father in your home in AZ for 5 years. Brother was not involved.
Father was on hospice, dying of cancer, and you honored his wish to return to his home country.
He died a day after returning home. He was buried in his home country, and you returned to Arizona.
Your brother made hateful accusations about the care you gave your father.
Now your brother has health problems and your mother wants him to come to the US where there are better treatment options.

Did I get that all right?

Does your mother expect your brother to move into your home? Are you expected to become a caregiver again? Is this what your brother wants? Or his brother just going to go somewhere in the US, not necessarily involving you?

How would you feel about helping your brother at this time IF he had not made terrible comments about your care?

Because many people, in the grip of severe grief, look for something to blame. It may be totally illogical and irrational. "If only we had switched doctors in 2011" "If only we hadn't brought in hospice" "If only he did/didn't try to eat the last week" "if only he had professional care instead my sister"

I'm not sure why, but sometimes we want to find something to blame when something terrible happens.

Is it possible that Brother was so overwhelmed with grief (and maybe guilt, since he hadn't helped) that he was talking out of his mind?

If he apologized (I'm sorry I accused you unfairly. I was so upset about Dad's passing I wasn't being logical) would you be able to accept that, and resume a relationship with him?
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I have a very difficult time forgiving people. I believe it's called, 'holding grudges.' I still am nice to people but I don't go out of my way to help them. Just as they did not go out of their way to help me and dad with mom for 24 years. My brother told me that when he gets sick, that I will take care of him because I now have experiences. I flat out told him NO. He has family, they can take care of him.

My question is - does your brother Still tell people that you have killed your father? Is he still saying this in FaceBook to relatives? If yes, then I wouldn't help him. Imagine if you did? He will be telling more lies to the family back home - behind your back.

If you feel Obligated to help him because of pressure and the guilt-trips from your mother, then gather all the information, give it to her and tell her that she and your brother can do the rest. I would not invite him into your home. You know what will eventually happen. You've been through it with your father. Know your limit of what you feel obligated to do (family pressure) and what you absolutely don't want to do. You know your brother. Base your decision on that. And remember to listen to your gut feelings.
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What beautiful and insightful responses! Just want to underscore that forgiveness is for the forgiver and vital for your health and well being. Forgiveness does not mean that you become a doormat, however, caring for all who come your way. I hope you have your own support group of friends and professionals and are reaching out to them now. You deserve the best.
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Try hard to forgive. Hate will harm you more than you know. Not easy but essential. Let it go.Find a way to love.
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Just remember. When we care for those who are sick and weak we are doing God's work. I too have had those family members blame me for things but I know I am doing my best for my loved one. I have forgiven several family members. You can love your family and keep your distance at the same time. We are not expected to let anyone take our joy from us.
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My mother always has a saying " no one can make u mad without your consent". I have tried to remember this in all my dealings. It up to us how we react to others. Hate hurts the hater. The one hated is almost never fazed by it. Don't let others control you. I know it hurts, but in your heart you know the truth. Perhaps in time he will too. I wish you the best.
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This is a simple one for me because of someone accuse me of killing someone when I know I didn't, I just say "prove it!" Medical records don't lie, (at least not usually). I'm one of those kinds of people who just won't take no crap from no one, especially this kind of accusation, which is why I would tell them to prove it if they really think I killed my dad. I really wouldn't take things too personally since I think it sounds to me like they are just lashing out at you because they miss their dad, this is probably part of the grieving process. You could try speaking to your pastor or even a Christian counselor about the matter because they can help you iron out this mess with your family. Meanwhile, I personally have no place in my life for false accusers and I would not hang around these people at all. I agree with loving them, but there comes a time to love people at a distance. I had to learn this lesson for myself, and it's a very hard lesson to learn because sometimes you must separate yourself from those you love when it's absolutely necessary and in your case, it's absolutely necessary. There just comes a time in life to love from a distance but to have no place in your life for toxic people except in your prayers. I would highly recommend just avoiding these people altogether, just stay away from them and have nothing to do with them. This is the only thing that's going to help hold your peace and sanity, and this is the only way you're going to be able to move forward. Don't dwell on this because you won't sleep very well if you do. They're probably sleeping better than you are since they're the ones getting the anger off their chests. A friend of mine told me many times years in advance before I had to step back and see the big picture because you'll never see it as long as you're close to it. He always used to say "I just avoid those kinds of people." This may very well be the secret to why he was always so relaxed, Easy-going and laid-back
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The advice to forgive is excellent, because IF you can do it it gives you great peace. But it's not an easy job. I think that taking care of him would be too hard for anyone but Mother Teresa if he doesn't apologize.

Don't feel bad if you can't forgive, Instead, try to put him out of your mind pretty fast, saying "Well, that's enough about him. Now I'm going to enjoy the flowers or plan my grocery list or go for a walk." You are entitled to peace inside your own mind and heart, but you will need to push away intrusive thoughts about him.

You did a good job. You know it, your mother knows it, and your father, may he rest in peace, knows it. Remind yourself of that. You didn't do every single little thing right, because we are all only human. But you did a good job for the father you love. Remember that.
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With renal failure and liver cancer, no one could have saved your father. You need to dismiss what your siblings are saying, and get on with your life. Everyone has an "opinion" about everything. Do not allow this toxic environment to seep into your life. If need be, do not talk to your brother if he continues to say hurtful things to you.
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