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She has lived with me for almost 4 years....I have been care giver for her and dad who passed in 2006 for almost 8 years.... I stayed with them for a couple of months at a time when needed to care for one or the other. When my mother fell and was told she couldn't live alone in Feb. 2009 we moved her in with us. My mother has insisted on paying for a few different things that we purchased over the last several years, we didn't ask, she insisted and said it was for all that we have done for her. Now all of a sudden my brothers are accusing me of stealing her money without her knowledge....this isn't true and they say they have gotten a lawyer.. I have never spent Mom's money without her knowing it. I am POA and my name is on all of her accounts. In 1994 my Parents put me on their deed as survivors right and my Dad told me the house was mine because my brothers never bother to come around but maybe once or twice a year. They are demanding to know how much money Mom was left by Dad and how much has been spent. She told them it was none of their business and that it was her money but they say this isn't the end of it and they will see me in court for stealing moms money....Do they have a leg to stand on? They don't realize how much they have hurt her and it really upsets me...they have never offered to take her and blame me because I have never asked... PLEASE HELP ME

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Was your mom competent when she insisted you take things or money? Does she have enough to pay for her care for the five year medicaid lookback? If not, no you can't take it, incompetent people, cannot give their money away. And medicaid will want someone in the family to pay for any missing money. Since you evidently, don't have any to spare, your siblings are concerned that you will expect them to pony up after using mom's money as your own for years. All her money should be kept separate so these accusations have no foundation.

Supposedly, my mom 'insisted' she pay for a few things for my sister and her children. Three trucks, two cars, computers, and clothing later and she's 10's of 1,000's in the hole. But they claim she 'wanted' to.
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Emilie I love your comments, my Mom was the same way. She used to fold laundry for me, unload groceries, fill bowls with candy for halloween, or anything just to feel useful. She can no longer do anything either but I agree with your philosophies. Now that my Moms in late stage dementia/alz I can thank her for doing the laundry and she give me a huge smile, no she didnt do it, but she thinks she did. After I bathe her and put her in her wheelchair to sit beside the shower while I shower, I put my towel on her lap. When I am done I say "Thanks So Much for holding my Towel". omg she loves it! haha Gotta love them!
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I like Jessebelle's comments. That said, where do you start with this. There is much miscommunication, non-cooperation, parental favoritism, one child shouldering all the burden, on and on and on.

Do your brothers have any idea what a nursing home or assisted living would have cost. Do they understand you have saved them much by shouldering this burden for 8 years? Have they done anything to help you at all and why didn't you ask?

I hope you have kept good records of your spending. I wouldn't worry too much about them hiring a lawyer. What are they hiring one for? If your mother is competent and wants to give you something, she can.

Maybe a heart to heart talk with them would be the best thing. Why can't they appreciate what you have done and have they been made to feel left out for some reason. Why did they never come around?

I have found, after reading many posts on this site, that much of this discord comes from childhood. Ask yourself if that could be true. And remember, when mom is gone your brothers will be too if something isn't worked out.

I have cut ties with my mother. She has been terrible to me. But my brother can say, "well Madge1 gets nothing, she never was around and didn't help." What is not being said is I was being abused and had to cut ties.

I hope you can work this out, look at all angles and don't worry too much about the lawyer stuff, I think they are bluffing.
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The human side to this for me is that Your Mother needs to be needed. My mother I know for a fact has to feel needed and feel like she is not a burden to us. She can not do her housework, cook her meals, do he laundry, bath herself ect. She is of sound mind and it is a great burden to her to think that she is not able to do the smallest things for herself. Sometimes she will tell me, Emilie go to the bank get 100 dollars and take your family out to dinner. I always respond with a big smile and a big OH thank you Mom, how did you know I did not feel like cooking tonight. She laughs and say's well you just made a dinner here I knew you did not feel like going home and cooking one there :) She is not rich and neither am I, and she has helped her with many other things financially. When ever she gives me money she looks happier than I am about getting it. She always say's, it's not time for me to go home yet I'm still needed. When she broke her hip this last time in the hospital, she said to me. I am worried about you being left alone because your husband has cancer and dementia. I said to her, then you had better get better cause I do not want to be left alone here in Chilliwack. My siblings all live thousands of miles away. She got better and now although she is not very strong she is alive and she can eat by herself, she is starting to dress by herself and she can watch tv, and she can walk with her walker. What a woman :)
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who has reciepts? see, the basic way it works, is if you have done nothing wrong, then dont worry. anything they can show a court would have to be a fake document, right? if you have taken money and they somehow got the records, then fess up and make a payment plan real quick.
sounds like your brother wants some cash, and he hasnt worked for it, hes trying to scare you with court. if youve done nothing wrong, he has nothing to show a court. simple. talk to a lawyer, start gathering your papers, anything and everything regarding reciepts for the house care,( lawn care, repairs,etc) gather reciepts for food,hygiene, all bank records, yours and your folks, the more paperwork you have the better your chance in court. a court doesnt know you,the judge looks at papers you give him. what paperwork could your brother possibly have that makes you look bad? you need papers that show you have spent money out of your pocket.
keep in mind, if yor folks are signing their house, money, accounts, etc over to someone else, they are saying in a sense,' here, i cant manage money anymore, you do it'.this as already very hard for them because nobody wants to be old nobody want to be in the hands of others, so dont ask them to decide things, they already did when they let someone else take over. balls in your court, step up , gather your papers, and get ready to look brother in the eye and say 'lets go.im ready for court'. good luck. people get real greedy when it comes to other folks money..
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I am caring for my mom with Thank God, the help of wonderful HHA's. One of my brothers, who of course does not help or wants to care for mom has contacted 2 atty's against me and he has been told I am only caring for mom and have not stolen her money. Family can be wonderful but at times it can be the worst. He has not spoken to mom since Dec 18th. Isn't love just grand, the best thing I did besides take care of my parents was to get an Elder Atty. Good luck everyone.
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There is a lot of good advice offered above. One thing that has not been mentioned is the possibility of having your Mother create a trust and name you as trustee. You can serve as co-trustee with her. There are guidelines in the trust of how to have her step down or be removed if that becomes necessary. When my Father created a revocable trust many years ago, it seemed sort of a waste of money because he doesn't have millions to protect from estate tax. Now, that he is showing signs of dementia, I am so grateful to have this in place. The trust includes a will, it includes legal protection of your mother's assets and yet she (and you if you are trustee) have full access. I have also found the elder advocate system to be helpful. On the sibling side of things, I know it can be difficult, but once you have the legal protections you need in place, I would try to do what you can to have them understand how much you do for your Mother and how hurtful it is to HER that they do not spend time with her. Some days it's very hard, but I try to be compassionate when thinking of my sibling who does not help and is quick to criticize. The compassion is really for me so I can let go of anger and be positive.
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Of course, being an only isn't so great when you want someone to share in the burden. But the more I read here, the more I realize I do have it somewhat good - no dealing with disinterested sibs, no dealing with money-grubbing sibs, no disagreements with other sibs over care.

That said...I do wish for a caring, interested sibling from time to time. :-(
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Oh this sounds so familiar, isnt it incredible!! Jeannes right thou, this could have all been avoided with a caregivers contract. Because your Mom is of sound mind, get her to a lawyer right away and stop the court business. Being a caretaker fulltime since 2009 would mean you are entitled to about $900 a week for all of those years. Call a lawyer now, dont wait. Good Luck!
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Being an only child would be awesome for those of us that have siblings. At least you know where you stand and don't have greedy people waiting with hands open for your parent to pass away so they can be first in line.....
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Boy, makes me glad I'm an only child. I feel for all of you - how horrible a thing to go through.
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My sister says I belong in Prison for caring for my parents??? I can relate. I have 5 older siblings and NONE of them spends any time caring for my mom. If they come, they are "guests" and expect me to wait on them hand and foot... they come and go as they please... but I am the bad guy because for YEARS i am the one who came running every time they had a need. Bought them groceries, cooked for them EVERY Sunday for 10 years.... shared the day with them and all my kids. We were the only ones to visit or care for them. I was the one they called when someone fell in the middle of the night or had ANY problems. I am also a nurse. Naturally when they needed full time care, I moved in and took responsibility. Now my sister says I belong in prison. That my parents should be put in a nursing home and their house sold as I "spent all their money???" Not. She recently came to Iowa from Alaska, telling her family she was coming to do an "Intervention" on me! That she would have to come and stay for a month or more to "straighten" me out. :( Well.. she came the night she flew in. She was here for about an hour. Left. Came 2 times since then for about a total of another hour. I am not sure if she is back in Alaska or what??? I guess I must not have needed as much straightening out as she thought??? She just used it as an excuse to get away I think. She has ((a boyfriend)) a few hours from here.... and has cheated on her husband before with him.... family don't get it. They don't understand the pressure of caring for the elderly. My mom has dementia with hallucinations, delusions, O2, diabetes, insomnia, etc. She is 81, my dad is in pretty good health for 87 but he has troubles too. They need constant supervision. I am exhausted. She is also mad because I have my daughter here. How else would I get showers? Bathroom breaks? Got to the store?? I almost wish she would have come for the month... perhaps she would have a clue then. Hang in there. Get a lawyer. You are all in my prayers!
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I try to circumvent all of this by letting my brothers know how my mother's money is being spent. When there is an unusual expense, I write them to let them know about it. Everything is traceable through her bank account and credit card. She doesn't pay me anything or pay any of my bills, so that is not a worry. I do think that having frequent conversations over the phone or via email helps prevent misunderstanding. If there is animosity in the family, this communication is probably even more important. If my mother were paying me or paying my bills, I would have the agreement in writing and would send a copy of the agreement to my siblings so it could be discussed before it became a potential problem for me. This is a good thread to show that even within families, we often have to keep ourselves covered legally. Isn't it a shame that the people who are not involved in the care of their parents feel that they are entitled?
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I had the same situation. I took/take care of my parents in their home for 18yrs.Their finacnces, medical, home, everything ! I am a POA and the last of five children. Last year, one month before my husband died of cancer, my sister and brother accused me of stealing from my mom.My brother said he would take it to court. I said bring it on! I have nothing to hide. He backed down. It is hurtful and humiliating. This has broken our family apart. I am still responsible for everything! Stand your ground, sit down and document what has been given and have your mother sign the document. Also, come up with a care document.Check with your state laws, monies received for care are considered taxable income for you. Best of luck, greed is a terrible thing.
G
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My dad paid for things in our home too since he considered it his home as well. He always told us that whatever we needed as far as financial help he would always be there for us as he was grateful for our care. Whatever discussions you have made with your mom is between you guys and whatever your siblings have talked to their kids about is their business. It's not fair that they are questioning you. It's between you and your mom as to what arrangments were made in the home... Tell your siblings "See you in Court"...
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Same thing happened to me. Dad helped us out with the bills and brother went ballistic and said we stole it all. They don't have a leg to stand on if you mom is of sound mind. The judge will see who has been taking care of your mom and who was the POA and should rule in your favor. Let them take you to court but use your mom's money for your defense so there is less of them to get their greedy hands on at the end. It's all about control for those that don't take care of their parents. It's moms money and it's none of their business. Say to them if they want to know what mom has then mom and you want to know all their financial business. Dont' worry really. They are just puffing smoke because they feel guilty for not helping mom. If she is of sound mind then all is fine. She knows who is her caregiver and she will tell them to take a flying leap off the bridge!!!!
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When you do go to court, make sure there is a court transcriber taking down every word that is said. In our state, we found out the hard way that unless you ask for one in a civil trial the judge hears it but does not include the arguments, defenses made, etc. This was a case involving a child, but the point is the same. Get a record of every word they say there. Perjury is still a crime, and the brothers sound like trouble. Defend your and your Mom's honor and rights.
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You are going through EXACTLY what I am dealing with now with my sisters...I have mom here withm me since April 2010. Sisters are interested in her money ONLY. So I went to Couty Legal Services of Florida, and talked to an elder advocate. My story is on this forum. Can't locate now due to time constraints, but they are giving Mom an attorney to get this nonsense stopped. Your brothers need to STHU and go away. If all they care about is Money and don't care for mom they need to go away. It take authorities to make that happen. You can't reason with selfish people on your own.
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Ditto get an attorney. But your Mom is of sound mind and can do what she wants. Start keeping track of what you do and document what you can remember. You've also been a loving caring daughter and any judge would see it that way. I would take it seriously, but not worry about it too much.
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definatly need to ralk to attorney. your brother ha no right to queistion your mothers or fathers money your in chrage.. i hd a simular sityation of my nepjew he was my mom poa i he was stealing money. i moved her out of her house after it got sold, i also reported him to aduklt protective services for neglect and abuse fincancally explotationm my neibgn=boer reported him she fell down the stairs was left 7 days alone. with no food. he wanted her to die so he could get her money and the house, ge sold the house he couldnt keep up withit any more. I took away from the situation, If he takes you to court he got no leg to stand on your poa, nat threats he makes you can hold that against him take him to court.
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Ditto what igloo says.

This is a good illustration of why family caregivers should have a personal care contract drawn up, spelling out some reasonable compensation for room and board and care, unless their are no other relatives and no chance of needing Medicaid down the road. Certainly Mom wants to do something to contribute to her expenses. Outsiders may have no idea of the situation or simply be greedy. Get it in writing, upfront!

At this point, please see an attorney who specializes in this kind of thing.
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You need an attorney - look to find one that is CELA - certified elder law attorney.
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