How can my siblings abandoned my mother, she was a good mom?

Careful...I wasn't suggesting that you were wrong or that you "need to leave the thread...". I meant that, with all the stories and comments that religious vs secular behaviors would generate we could fill a lot of space on here...even devote a complete thread on that subject alone.

It's tough to do the right thing when the world is against us. You can do it though Lonewolf! It's a battle but its one worth winning. Store your treasures up in Heaven where they really have meaning because this old world and everything in it passes away and turns to dust. Your family and you will be blessed for what you are doing. Keep us posted on how you are doing!

I don't think that I said anything wrong Waddle. I just told the truth and I don't think I need to leave the thread either. Wow!

"My siblings who are behaving badly are very secular. My sister who is supportive is a christian...."---Careful

Just the opposite in my family. But, that's according to my description of being "supportive" or "behaving badly". I think there can be other reasons, other than whether or not a person is religious, that affects behavior and how they see things.

But, that should probably be another thread elsewhere.

Thank you Careful,
My great fear is that government (s) have begun to write laws that will have a profound effect on our loved ones despite the family wishes.That is why I have such strong feelings about 'family' that do not support their ill loved ones or the caregivers who have stepped forward.Fighting for and caring for a loved one is rough enough without having to fight government mandates,hospitals,doctors,AL/NH's etc,etc let alone your own family.Today's world requires more than just a loving caregiver because one must also be a very strong willed advocate to speak for the ones who can no longer speak for themselves.I wish we treated our elderly as well as we do youth in this country.
BTW: In my previous comment I stated 75 plus years of devotion to their children.I should of stated a combined total of over 75 years.Then again after I think about it 50 plus years each would be closer to reality.How do you ever pay that back?We were blessed with outstanding parents who raised us all quite similar and I'm as heartbroken as lonewolf is about her siblings dumping mom and her.Is is very hard to forgive after you have lived through it going it alone.Few ever recover totally from the emotional,financial,stress related health issues after long term care.

Lone, please be forgiving of them. It will help you in the long run and your health. Please don't be angry.

My siblings who are behaving badly are very secular. My sister who is supportive is a christian....like I am.

Amen to that Cautious! Secular humanism has taken over our country and our families. People have begun to think they are God and can make their own rules. You can make your own rules, but you will suffer for it. We've replaced the ten commandments with a kind of environmental-sexuality-entitlement- belief system.

Thanks Vstefans, I just didn't want there to be hard feellings... this is a wonderful sight to share the good bad and the ugly.... I appreciate your comments...hugs to you...

I have the same issue with my husband and we moved out of state cuz neither family wanted to be supportive of my decision looking over his needs. Heck his own siblings disowned them and mine could care less what i have to do. I have to raise 2 children by myself and take care of my husband. I get paid part time hours to be his caregiver and I am about to stick my foot out there to get a second job because I need to be self sufficient and its hard for him to understand but i got my support system back and they are willing to help me with my husband from time to time until things have calmed down and I open my house to them while they are waiting to move into their own place. You did the right thing regardless how they handled it and some ppl cannot move past their parents dying. My husband had taken care of his mom and his grandma up until the time we got married and then his baby sister got upset that she had to do it and disown him directly after the funeral and pointing fingers at me. My husband had his right to his own life and family but again other ppl simply blocked it out or just grow numb but all you can say is that you are still doing it and you should be proud of yourself no matter the cost.

oh no, ladee, in fact you are why I wrote the second post!! YOU did what you could and YOU were there.

One question, vstefans, was the last two posts directed at me???? If they were, you misunderstood my whole reason for posting in the first place.... My mom has been dead for almost 30 years, and nothing the oldest sib did or said kept me away from my mom..... my dad was in AL and still had people jumping thru hoops to keep him "happy" which was an illlusion.... and as 3pinkroses tried to point out, I did alot for the old man.... they just didn't know about it... he never told them I was there or what i did as he liked all the chaos and confusion that went on .... so much to this story that i don't choose to get into, it serves no purpose.... all I can honestly say, and I mean from my heart.... I did what I could.... I have no regrets, no one was abondoned..... I won't continue this conversation as it is bringing up a ton of old hurt for me.. sorry if there was misunderstandings here and I didn't make myself clear.... but I'm done defending or explaining when no one walked in my shoes....I did what I could, and that really was enough.... for God and for me...

OK, I cooled off a little here and realized yes, there are sometimes other sides to the story. But if mom is dying, unless the prior abuse or failings were so horrible you simply can't be involved, there really should be some kind of contact, OR at least some kind of explanation other than the phony ones. If the truth seems too hurtful to share with your sister about why you are not there, its possible you are right, but think about how hurful it is for her to have to think you are just abandoning them for no reason even at the hour of their greatest need.

PRINT THIS POST OUT AND MAIL IT TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. It may be a common story, and the usual excuse is that they have their own lives (but so do you) and maybe they figure the one person just kind of has it covered so they are off the hook. It is painful and difficult to care for someone you love as their condition gets worse, let alone to face the fact that this is happening, And people, being human, avoid difficult things when they have any excuse to think that they can. But as common as this is, it is NOT universal, and some families the siblings do pull together and provide support. We just tend to hear about all the other times a lot more on here BECAUSE IT IS SO HURTFUL to all involved. We are commanded not "to let a root of bitterness spring up among you" and this is a sure way to plant a seed of bitterness unless the one left caring solo is an exceptionally saintly, forgiving person. Even so, you are asking too much - even if she forgives you all for leaving her the whole burden to bear alone, how should she forgive you all for leaving YOUR MOM alone and leaving her to try to make excuses for you to her?? Even if you think it won't help and why bother, just a visit and a few hours of your time for the sake of your mother and your sister will make a difference now and for years to come...NEGLECTFUL SIBLINGS PLEASE WAKE UP - GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE SAND!!! (I was gong to say it a little more impolitely, but that's not my style...) BE THERE, just BE THERE if you REALLY can't do anything else!!

I think, (I could be wrong) what ladee is trying to address is that often, siblings have different relationships with their parents and that she did a lot of things that were behind the scenes, while another sibling seems to want to be a martyr when, clearly there were alternatives.

We don't know the dynamics of another family and if one is a control freak, how can you compete with that? We all do what we do, and as ladee said, God knows what we do and what we have been through with the parents.

So, it is not always selfishness with regard to the siblings - there are many sides to a family story. And think guilty conscious comments are out of line.

No guilty conscious here, just addressing those that always assume it's selfishness..

ladee, everyone was talking to lonewolf who asked the question so not sure what you are all upset about unless you have a guilty consious

I am an only child so in some cases it is hard for me to relate. My mom wasn't always easy to be around but I made sure her needs were met. I have no regrets about doing what I believed to be the right thing. You are doing the right thing. Why not try to put less energy into into worrying about their behavior and use it to care for your mom. Energy can only carry us so far so use it wisely.

Oh my goodness, didn't float too well to give the other side of the coin did it... first let me say, I have NO regrets...and I am the least selfish person you will ever meet.... I did my part, defined by me, not my sibs.... I did many things in the 'background' that they knew nothing about... didn't need their direction or their approval... my oldest sib was such a control freak, that no one could do anything to please her, so because I am an adult, I did what I could from my own perception of helping....I did what i did so that I wouldn't have regrets.... God knows how I participated and what the others think is none of my business..... I am not saying it's ok NOT to help... I'm saying there were ways suggested to help the constant needy barrage of this man, and because it was more important for my oldest sib to be a martyr, she ground herself into the dirt....why? She could have gotten public transportation to take my dad to Dr's appt and meet him there... but nooo, she had to wrestle this 200 lb man in a wheel chair into the car.. Why? She could have got him to make a list of things he needed and gone once or twice a week , but nooo, if he called, she jumped and ran....I have a hundred examples of why she was a wreck by the time he died.... so think what you want, judge if you must, but I have a very clear conscious. He was not abondoned by me, but I also didn't play his games....but nor did I abondon myself all for the idea of what others thought I should be doing in the name of honor thy father..... all I can do is shake my head at some of the angry comments about the ones who don't bleed to death for thier parents.... my mom, different story entirely, but again , the oldest sib had so much control that I didn't GET to do near what i wanted to do.... surely wasn't giving excuses, it was just facts in my case....sorry if some of you let the bitterness of how it SHOULD be eat you up.... you have your own agenda too.... so lighten up on the judgment, you didn't walk in my shoes either....

Lonewolf -- my story too. Do you see here that you are not alone? This seems to be a common story on this site: the story of selfish siblings. I care for BOTH my parents and the others here are right about this, each one of us has our own memory of growing up with them. I thought we had it pretty good. I fought the angry for a long, long, time of my two siblings not helping in any way at all, after multiple pleads for help. I got nothing, crickets....One is just lazy and the other just wants their money, (they don't have any, that's the funny part)!!! I've put them out of my mind....They will never help, ever....their lose in the end. I'm exhausted every day, physically and emotionally thinking what will happen next, who will fall, what outburst will occur, how will I handle this? I know I will have peace within when it is all over, but for now, it pretty much stinks doing it ALL ALONE. My wish for you Lonewolf, is to arrive at the point where you don't spend your energy hating on them. The others here used to tell me "let it go," but you just can't until you are ready. You'll let it go later, I know you will. Hang in there and stay close to the people here who truly understand what you are going through.

xo
-SS

I left you one post but wanted to leave another as to where to put your anger, for me I decided the anger was eating me up so whether it be right or wrong, my brother and sisters are no longer a part of my life, I told them never to call or write and never knock on my door again, I feel better, sometimes that is for the best, hugs

I am so grateful for all this sharing I am not alone I have you sisters with same problem. I come back and share my story with you soon. As we dont have this support site in Sweden I follow you my sisters in U.S I guess this is an international problem. Love to you all caretaker sisters You are my fameli Together we get strong!

God bless you for taking care of your Mom!

I'm right along with you and alot of others I see. The only difference for me is that it's my MIL that I'm left with & she wasn't a nice person or comforting mom to her kids. I don't understand them abandoning their Mom even though she was extremely hard to get along with, yet alone if she was a good Mom!! My husband is the only one to stick around. She lives with us , is 88 & has dementia. Good luck!!! Your Mom is VERY lucky to have you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lonewolf, I hear your pain! IT is so hard when siblings cannot work together cohesively to effect best care for an aging parent!
It gets still harder if any/all of the kids were abused/neglected as children...even super sweet and charming parents can clobber their kids when no one else is looking--with hands or words, the pain cuts deep and the wounds open every time that parent says or does more rotten things--which commonly happens as they get dementias with age, or get sick and cranky.
I have 4 siblings who know how bad our Mom could be in many respects, but none of them can understand why she treated me differently than she treated them--well, there were multiple fathers involved...and that made a huge difference--just for one thing.
There can be things you do not know, about your Mom's relationships with your siblings, things that you cannot fix, and neither can they.
As stated above, it can be for reasons like this, or could be they are poor at handling witnessing Mom becoming less than what she used to be, and they do not want to remember her as sick, fragile and aging. My daughter is like that--which makes me wonder who will look after us later on...
But she's grown up a lot during the last 10 years, so that might have changed.

WONDERING: what might happen if you asked your siblings, one at a time, if there was some reason they seemed to be avoiding seeing Mom or helping out?

Social Workers helping me, suggested writing a letter that itemized various care options for Mom, letting each one check off which things they choose to agree on for Mom's care.
2 of mine received the letters [sent return receipt requested]; the other 2 refused to pick theirs up.
One got that letter fast, took it badly, so came down to get Mom out of here.
The other one avoided picking hers up until it was almost returned, then started slinging bad words at me via phone.

I figured, the net result was, it got Mom into one of their houses, instead of here [[which we desperately needed!]].
But because of Mom's behaviors and now theirs, our family is broken apart, with no real likelihood of reconciliation.

THAT is the worst part--that now I have 4 siblings more than willing to keep spewing Mom's worst behaviors and worst words, at me like a quad-sound system.

I really hope you can learn what is motivating your siblings to do what they are doing [or not doing!].
IF you cannot understand why they are behaving as they are, it is impossible to do anything constructive to change it, and it will likely break your relationships apart.
{{{prayers!}}}

Cautious:

You speak of moral break down, but what about our immoral medical system which is really a wolf in sheep's clothing?

What about those of us who are stuck between "religious, authoritarian" siblings who, because of their dogmatic natures, are also the types to put total faith in our horrible UNhealthcare system? Which leaves me (who has already run the gauntlet enough to know the emperor lacks clothes) to suspect that the reason my mom's nose runs like a non-stop faucet is due to the endless blood thinners & supplements doled out to her indiscriminately by my asinine siblings, due to its sanction by various departmentalized doctors & nutritionist (each of whom doesn't know what the other is doing). Ditto for her weeks of wheezing from lungs & hacking cough.

P.S. from mine above, don't get the idea that i'm non-religious, because I was born into it. Just setting the record straight.

Lonewolf, you have received some wonderful and helpful comments here. So many of us have been the lone provider of care for our parents. I won't get into my story; but suffice to say that letting go of the resentment and frustration is the way to go. It definitely is a difficult thing to do; but truly helps. In these situations it seems it is more stressful to try to get assistance from siblings who are not interested, than it is to just plain old go it alone.

Blessings to you and will keep you in my prayers. Always remember what a wonderful daughter you are. Take care

My brother or her multitude of grandchildren have not seen my. Mom for years. Brother comes to town for events - doesnt bother to call. She hasn't received a card from any of them for over 10 years. She can't have too much time left. They are dead to me.
I know how you feel. I

I went through the same thing like you and many others on this post.A worthless brother and sister who mom and dad spent over 75 years kissing their rear ends and then getting thrown in the gutter when they needed help.I'm sick of reading posts from people who are just like my siblings trying to justify their warped behavior.Somehow they think they can wash themselves clean trying to rationalize why they were not there for their folks.Sorry folks it doesn't work.
Act like you are a only child and never feel their is something 'wrong' with you and why you can't be more like your siblings.You are a angel and your mom can be proud she had at least one child who chose to put the love and care of her parents foremost in their life.I've traveled the world and believe me it is SOP in most countries outside of the USA and parts of western Europe.In Asia they worship their parents like we did a generation ago.If you did what many are doing in this country you would be a outcast for the rest of your life in their society.God is watching and I believe that is why America and Europe are in a freefall. A total moral breakdown and HE is very angry.

Hi, I'm the youngest sib. w/three older sibs (brother & 2 sisters). My mom has advanced dementia. My sibs are impossible to deal with. Very poor communication & impatience, with me left to deal with the nittie gritty stuff alot of times, and them acting like stubborn jerks.

But with all that, may I add something which is a constant refrain for me:

It's actually the SYSTEM which is the ROOT CULPRIT in causing this gladiator situation within families. Too many of us nowadays are running on empty due to the SYSTEM and its associated EMFs, pollution, chemical-saturated imports, taxes, Coverage for Big Pharma, but Non-Coverage for bathroom-assists (which they claim isn't directly related to health).. It's a SYSTEM which rules so twistedly, which is a gladiator-making system.

So where's the stem cells? the SYSTEM is suppressing their availability in the U.S. Why? Because they're real!

So where's the nano-tech? Ditto

So where's medical marijuana? Ditto

So where's true detox - such as On-Site-Dead-Sea-Mud-Baths-Under-Sun?

So where's the SCIO & LIFE systems (vs. the current unhealthcare diagnostics?

In a nutshell, true healing modalities have been, and continue to be, suppressed, turning us into gladiators, because we've been run dry.