How can my siblings abandoned my mother, she was a good mom?

I am an only child so in some cases it is hard for me to relate. My mom wasn't always easy to be around but I made sure her needs were met. I have no regrets about doing what I believed to be the right thing. You are doing the right thing. Why not try to put less energy into into worrying about their behavior and use it to care for your mom. Energy can only carry us so far so use it wisely.

ladee, everyone was talking to lonewolf who asked the question so not sure what you are all upset about unless you have a guilty consious

No guilty conscious here, just addressing those that always assume it's selfishness..

I think, (I could be wrong) what ladee is trying to address is that often, siblings have different relationships with their parents and that she did a lot of things that were behind the scenes, while another sibling seems to want to be a martyr when, clearly there were alternatives.

We don't know the dynamics of another family and if one is a control freak, how can you compete with that? We all do what we do, and as ladee said, God knows what we do and what we have been through with the parents.

So, it is not always selfishness with regard to the siblings - there are many sides to a family story. And think guilty conscious comments are out of line.

PRINT THIS POST OUT AND MAIL IT TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. It may be a common story, and the usual excuse is that they have their own lives (but so do you) and maybe they figure the one person just kind of has it covered so they are off the hook. It is painful and difficult to care for someone you love as their condition gets worse, let alone to face the fact that this is happening, And people, being human, avoid difficult things when they have any excuse to think that they can. But as common as this is, it is NOT universal, and some families the siblings do pull together and provide support. We just tend to hear about all the other times a lot more on here BECAUSE IT IS SO HURTFUL to all involved. We are commanded not "to let a root of bitterness spring up among you" and this is a sure way to plant a seed of bitterness unless the one left caring solo is an exceptionally saintly, forgiving person. Even so, you are asking too much - even if she forgives you all for leaving her the whole burden to bear alone, how should she forgive you all for leaving YOUR MOM alone and leaving her to try to make excuses for you to her?? Even if you think it won't help and why bother, just a visit and a few hours of your time for the sake of your mother and your sister will make a difference now and for years to come...NEGLECTFUL SIBLINGS PLEASE WAKE UP - GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE SAND!!! (I was gong to say it a little more impolitely, but that's not my style...) BE THERE, just BE THERE if you REALLY can't do anything else!!

OK, I cooled off a little here and realized yes, there are sometimes other sides to the story. But if mom is dying, unless the prior abuse or failings were so horrible you simply can't be involved, there really should be some kind of contact, OR at least some kind of explanation other than the phony ones. If the truth seems too hurtful to share with your sister about why you are not there, its possible you are right, but think about how hurful it is for her to have to think you are just abandoning them for no reason even at the hour of their greatest need.

One question, vstefans, was the last two posts directed at me???? If they were, you misunderstood my whole reason for posting in the first place.... My mom has been dead for almost 30 years, and nothing the oldest sib did or said kept me away from my mom..... my dad was in AL and still had people jumping thru hoops to keep him "happy" which was an illlusion.... and as 3pinkroses tried to point out, I did alot for the old man.... they just didn't know about it... he never told them I was there or what i did as he liked all the chaos and confusion that went on .... so much to this story that i don't choose to get into, it serves no purpose.... all I can honestly say, and I mean from my heart.... I did what I could.... I have no regrets, no one was abondoned..... I won't continue this conversation as it is bringing up a ton of old hurt for me.. sorry if there was misunderstandings here and I didn't make myself clear.... but I'm done defending or explaining when no one walked in my shoes....I did what I could, and that really was enough.... for God and for me...

oh no, ladee, in fact you are why I wrote the second post!! YOU did what you could and YOU were there.

I have the same issue with my husband and we moved out of state cuz neither family wanted to be supportive of my decision looking over his needs. Heck his own siblings disowned them and mine could care less what i have to do. I have to raise 2 children by myself and take care of my husband. I get paid part time hours to be his caregiver and I am about to stick my foot out there to get a second job because I need to be self sufficient and its hard for him to understand but i got my support system back and they are willing to help me with my husband from time to time until things have calmed down and I open my house to them while they are waiting to move into their own place. You did the right thing regardless how they handled it and some ppl cannot move past their parents dying. My husband had taken care of his mom and his grandma up until the time we got married and then his baby sister got upset that she had to do it and disown him directly after the funeral and pointing fingers at me. My husband had his right to his own life and family but again other ppl simply blocked it out or just grow numb but all you can say is that you are still doing it and you should be proud of yourself no matter the cost.

Thanks Vstefans, I just didn't want there to be hard feellings... this is a wonderful sight to share the good bad and the ugly.... I appreciate your comments...hugs to you...

Amen to that Cautious! Secular humanism has taken over our country and our families. People have begun to think they are God and can make their own rules. You can make your own rules, but you will suffer for it. We've replaced the ten commandments with a kind of environmental-sexuality-entitlement- belief system.

My siblings who are behaving badly are very secular. My sister who is supportive is a christian....like I am.

Lone, please be forgiving of them. It will help you in the long run and your health. Please don't be angry.

Thank you Careful,
My great fear is that government (s) have begun to write laws that will have a profound effect on our loved ones despite the family wishes.That is why I have such strong feelings about 'family' that do not support their ill loved ones or the caregivers who have stepped forward.Fighting for and caring for a loved one is rough enough without having to fight government mandates,hospitals,doctors,AL/NH's etc,etc let alone your own family.Today's world requires more than just a loving caregiver because one must also be a very strong willed advocate to speak for the ones who can no longer speak for themselves.I wish we treated our elderly as well as we do youth in this country.
BTW: In my previous comment I stated 75 plus years of devotion to their children.I should of stated a combined total of over 75 years.Then again after I think about it 50 plus years each would be closer to reality.How do you ever pay that back?We were blessed with outstanding parents who raised us all quite similar and I'm as heartbroken as lonewolf is about her siblings dumping mom and her.Is is very hard to forgive after you have lived through it going it alone.Few ever recover totally from the emotional,financial,stress related health issues after long term care.

"My siblings who are behaving badly are very secular. My sister who is supportive is a christian...."---Careful

Just the opposite in my family. But, that's according to my description of being "supportive" or "behaving badly". I think there can be other reasons, other than whether or not a person is religious, that affects behavior and how they see things.

But, that should probably be another thread elsewhere.

I don't think that I said anything wrong Waddle. I just told the truth and I don't think I need to leave the thread either. Wow!

It's tough to do the right thing when the world is against us. You can do it though Lonewolf! It's a battle but its one worth winning. Store your treasures up in Heaven where they really have meaning because this old world and everything in it passes away and turns to dust. Your family and you will be blessed for what you are doing. Keep us posted on how you are doing!

Careful...I wasn't suggesting that you were wrong or that you "need to leave the thread...". I meant that, with all the stories and comments that religious vs secular behaviors would generate we could fill a lot of space on here...even devote a complete thread on that subject alone.

I have two siblings, neither participates or supports me in any way with the care of BOTH my parents. After we moved my parents to be closer to me so I could help them, the two siblings pulled a "BeWtiched" and vanished! One will take my calls (bid deal...); he is secular. The other is causing all types of trouble trying to get to the pennies my parents have left. She is Christian. So go figure!!!

Try to have a good day, everyone!

xo
-SS

I have a similar situation with my partner. For several months let the anger and frustration rule me. I allowed others to have power over so one day I decided that they have to look themselves in the mirror not me. I started to do positives things for us and if they help they help. I just don't depend on them. I find other supportive sources.

I had a similar situation while caring for our Mom. I think the hardest part was the shock, hurt, and disbelief that my sister would respond the way she did. I thought I knew my brothers and sisters so well, but all the stress and grief brought out many unexpected responses from them. I don't know what to make of it all yet, and maybe I never will. But I do know, I loved and took the best care of our Mom that I could, and that I would not change. I have forgiven them for behavior that I thought was unacceptable, but it has changed me in a way, that is difficult to describe. I just feel like, I can never know what to expect of anyone. And I worry about what will happen when my Dad gets close to the end of his life. My Dad is living with us and I just don't expect any help from them, but I still need their love and emotional support. So after saying that, I guess I would suggest to love and forgive as much as you can.

envisionnow...you could have been describing me and my siblings. I know exactly how you feel, not being able to describe the thoughts and change that have come over you due to your siblings' behavior. Shock, hurt and disbelief about my sister's actions especially...yes! You nailed it. I too have forgiven them, I think, but I haven't and will not forget. Thanks for sharing. You've made me feel better about my thoughts and feelings.

Tigger-glad it only took you months to figure this out! It took me 8 years. I just didn't want to give up on them. I thought for sure they would come around. I tried all the guilt trips and begging etc. Now I know, if they aren't going to do it, they aren't going to do it!!!! I am much happier now, having no expectations-I am not disappointed. People are who they are and we need to accept that and not try to figure it out, be unhappy about it, or try to change them. It can be disappointing and make us angry or sad-the sooner we accept it and just do what we have to do-by getting outside help the better off we will be.

It could be a depraved heart, or they are mentally or physically unstable.

There should be laws about this matter. Esp. when the only intent is to want them to pass faster to collect money. They could be charged with second degree murder, that's what Depraved Indifference is.

same here Im taking care of MIL ... My hubby is youngest... His brother single dad with 3 kids under age 12 helps sit with her and one sister who is POA with my husband deals with money and visits maybe every 2 weeks ..... oldest sister been here 1x since last year.... SELFISH!!!!!! They dont have time for her anymore she use to help the oldest sister
most When we took her car 4 years ago sister didnt want us to because mil couldnt come help her babysit and all the other crap and she is using we accused her of stealing no we busted her spending her moms money for last 2 years after she paid mothers bills.

I feel your pain. One of my sisters lives out of state, but comes so we can get away--once a year. My oldest brother moved 7 miles away so they could be close "to help". when I actually came out and asked for help they suddenly disappeared--pulled the littel financial support they had been giveing for the lawst 2 months and blamed me for dad getting dementia. Accused me of just letting dad sit in his chair etc etc. They have no idea that we walk with dad outside daily and he excersices daily. It has been about 2 months since my brother handed me a letter telling me that dad needed to be in a home and "he could no longer enable us to avoid the choices that need to be made". Dad is healthy and happy living with mom in an addition to our house. He may have dementia--but the bottom line is mom wants him home and we agree that as long as things are safe that that is where he will stay. My brother saw them rarely for 1 hour at a time prior to him handing my partner and I a letter tellings us that dad should be in a home. I responded with a 13 page letter that was VERY direct. I ended it by saying that I was hurt and agry but still loved them. I told them I would NEVER ask for help agian. I never dreamed that my close family would fall apart when we need to pull together the most. However, my partner and I know at the end of the day that we are doing what our hearts knows is right. I have come to realize that them pulling away is about their fear and has nothing to do with me. I do not know if I will ever speak to my brother again and that makes me SAD. But I cannot be responsible for what others do. Know that you are doing what you need to do for your mom. Hugs

If dad is happy and safe at home that is such a huge blessing. It would be insane to throw that away. I wish there was a way to convey to brother and sister that his dementia is no one's fault, least of all yours...I do understand the wishful thinking along those lines though. It is easier to believe there is someone to blame and something that could be changed rather than to face painful reality.

Just a note for those of you who need help of any kind. One of the best places to start is the Agency on Aging or whatever it is called in your area. I get help 5X a week with the joint effort of the VA and this agency.

I think we're all on here for a reason Waddle and filling the space is the whole idea. There's more to life than just caregiving! Thank Heaven!

All superb advice. I have felt so much better after reading Tigger's advice about letting go of siblings who aren't willing to stay close. I felt so guilty and sad for quite awhile. I don't like it when people get angry with me, but my fear of NOT doing the right thing overrides my need to please them. No more of that stuff! Civility is where i'm at!