Yes this is true as I am finding out. A sad truth however. But with this group I feel less frustrated b/c I feel less alone. The feeling of being the target of everyone else's aim is what makes me mad. But then I know I am not doing anything wrong so I have no reason to defend myself. Thanks, madge1 for the suggestion to contact Mr. Robbins directly. I appreciate that.
Do raise bees? If so, that is so cool! I'm intrigued by bees...
To answer your question the simple rule is this:
A trust will have a trustee. If accounts are titled in the name of the trust the account will read: XYZ Trust dated 00/00/0000 XYZ, Trustee.
Assets in the trust are governed by the terms of the trust at the grantor's demise. Not by the will (unless the trust directs proceeds back to the estate of the deceased), or by other ownership, or by beneficiary (testamentary) provisions.
My mother had an infection from wire mesh that became life threatening last week. This is not the first time that she's been operated on for this problem. The wire mesh is from cancer surgery in 1994 and no matter how much they remove, they never seem to get it all. Last week, she nearly died again.
I called her son-in-law to tell him since the older sibling doesn't speak to me or to her mother. I called their daughter to make sure that she knew. I called my other siblings. I called her siblings.
Her oldest grandchild told me that she had issues with her grandmother. Her son-in-law told me that he didn't know what to say. Younger siblings said thanks for calling, we'll call her at the hospital --- only one who called was her son and he told her how a friend of his had turned septic within a matter of hours and died the same day she was released from the hospital. My mother's brothers were called and one of them proceeded to scream at me because older sister's gone and told another whopper to the relatives as to why she has no contact with her mother. As if I didn't have enough to deal with, now I had to deal with their misguided anger in defense of older sister and her issues. In the meantime, I put over eight hundred miles on the car going back and forth to the hospital to be there for my mother so that she wasn't alone.
On Friday, one of her nieces got upset because the landlord's maintenance had issues at another one of his properties and didn't have time to install a ceiling fan in her bedroom. She also found fault with the way that the yard was trimmed, like I didn't already have enough to worry about.
Now, the issue is this: how much information is owed ANY of them when they don't really give a flip if she lives or dies as long as they get their share when her life is over? They don't help. Quite frankly, the only time they seem to know the phone number is when they want something. I almost told her brothers about older sister's attempt to DNR our mother when our mother was just gone from the room for a test, but they wouldn't believe it if I did. The only reason why she didn't get her way was because I flat out told her no.
And I still remember the Mother's Day when her oldest grandchild screamed as she came into our home "Nanny, I know what I want when you die" at the top of her lungs. Uh huh. Love? Nope. Greed? You bet.
I'll tell you how much information they're owed morally --- absolutely none.
Cowgirl, your story is my story. I am the main caregiver to my 85 year old mother. I am on her bank accounts also. She pays me 250.00 a month for cleaning her house, cooking her meals (at my house with groceries that I purchased), doing her laundry, running her to the doctors, keeping up the yard, shoveling snow in the winter. And I have a sister who is very resentful and sent me an email about POA's that steal from their parents!!! She lives out of town and rarely visits mom, I am there for my mother everyday. There, vented!!
And my mother offered to make me POA, but I told her that I didn't want it. Her best friend from when I was a child is getting that honor. Number one, she's known all of us so long, she isn't overly impressed with anyone. Number two, she's not intimidated by greedy family members. Number three --- the most important of all --- she has no dog in this fight. Her only concern is for what is best for my mother. That's the way it should be for everyone concerned, but it isn't.
I have to say I am enjoying this thread of conversation as you all make me feel less alone. I, too, had the conversation/gossip circle going 'round and 'round and judging me on how I was treating or not treating my mom. So a month ago (in the midst of a close family/friend's death AND being sick) I sat down with a friend and composed a long email enumerating the gossip topics and confirming or denying the facts. My mom exaggerates and fabricates stories and I chose a few hours to write that email and disspell the bs that "someone" was circling around about me. This is not the first time he has done this but hopefully the last. I think keeping info to myself is important if it does not involve others but my mom is Gossip Queen ... so SHE tells people about me. So I quit telling her important things about me as well. Keep as much to yourself as you can (your frustrations are welcomed here as far as I am concerned ~ WE feel your pain) and let others be themselves and enjoy life as best you can. Others do not need to know trivial things that won't change the world (my mom told my brother I bought new clothes ... he asked if she paid for them ... NO I have my own money thank you ... then he has accussed me of taking her money more often than not ~ by the way: the clothes were clearanced at Kmart for heaven's sake ~ but that's my brother ... ugh~~~!!!). I am thankful that I am NOT on my mom's accounts ... the gossip would be worse. I am getting better at telling people to mind their own business when it comes to MY involvement with my mom and if anything earth shattering should happen, I will let them know. Practicing setting boundaries is essential.
"No dog in this fight" ... haven't heard that before but I love it. Yeah, using family members as POA is NOT a good idea. Wish lawyers would tell their clients that. Even a priest, pastor, rabbi etc would be a good person to have ... impartial ... no dog in this fight ... love it!!!
Oh, I am not POA, they just think I am, My mother lent my sister thousands of dollars and my sisters borrowed money from mom too, they never paid her back and don't even mention it, that is why we let them think I am POA and that is why I am on the bank accounts, when they ask to borrow money, my mom tells them they have to go through me, so far the borrowing has stopped.
I have a feeling that her other children are in for a rude awakening soon. She's already been told that she's got two more operations to go through before this is over. She left the hospital with a nine inch long, three inch wide, four inch deep incision with a wound vac attached.
It shouldn't have to be like this. The last battle she should have to fight is over someone's lies.
I am so glad I am on nothing. I have had a complete change of heart. My brother will take care of everything. He has the Durable Financial POA, executor of the will, on bank accounts, and I don't know what else. I have read so many posts about who is mad at whom, who is a thief, who is called a thief. Who is hurt (that would be me) and who is suing who, it is just terrible. Anyone can steal your parent's money, a friend, family, a priest, anyone, if it is allowed. This is such a touchy subject for so many with so many views. So sad.
There's no real solution except for parents to come clean about their finances and then, spend their last crying dime on themselves in their dying days. I've seen so much greed come out of some of them. All they can see is dollars and cents. They all know what they want when she dies, but they don't think that she's their responsibility while she's alive. Imagine how much pain it has caused my mother. She didn't commit a crime. She simply lived long enough to need their help.
I have specifically asked that nothing be left to me in any will she makes out. I don't want anyone to think that what I've done for her was for any reason other than I love her. God knows, and I know, that it's the only reason I've been able to stick it out while the others run.
Taking care of an elderly parent is a thankless job that requires alot of physical and mental strength. Anyone taking care of a parent should be paid out of the inheritance for this chore. Usually,..only one person gets stuck with all the work,..and the other siblings are clueless and do not thank the sibling that does all the work for little or no pay. When a sibling that contributes so little,..and has the nerve to worry about their inheritance chimes in,..it can be unnerving to the community of caregivers out there. Anyone reading this,...that is not contributing,..remember to thank your brother or sister for all the hard, tedious hours that they are spending in maintaining your parents livlihood. Stop thinking about yourself for once.
Anyone know this answer: I have a question about the last response from bloated. Can the caregiver be paid out of the inheritance for all the years they took care of a parent without any help from siblings? If so, do you file a claim against the estate for payment?
italian babs, Yes, the caregiver can be paid. When I was caregiving for my mom we were given a form from a baby tending sight for a caregiver. I had it notarized. The lawyer said be as detailed as possible. My mom signed it. And I signed it again as her Power of Attorney. And signed again for myself. It details all duties, 24 hour a day care. You can be paid the top going rate for care at around sixteen bucks an hour here...I think. I was feeling bad and only charged two thousand a month. If I had it to do again, I'd charge the full amount and take it sooner than later so that I'd have more control over the money. I don't know how to file a claim later against an estate.
Do I have to get something signed from my mother? She has dementia but we take care of her 24/7 365 days a year. My uncle is her POA and we were planning on giving a bill to the estate when mom passes. My sister does nothing for mom and has left it all up to my family and we have basically given up our lives for mom and my sister is a social butterfly and does nothing but she gets half the estate. She and I are executors right now but I asked my uncle to take us both off since it will be another world war when mom passes if we are together on there.
Wow! I would not wait until she passes to bill the estate. Because, you will suddenly find there is nothing there for you. I'm wishing that you had not taken your name off as an executor. You can pretty much guess that when your sister is the executor there will be nothing for you despite the long hours you have struggled with caring for your mother. World war or not. If you are aware of a war up ahead, and your sister is the socialite who does nothing, I would also guess that she is Narcissistic personality disordered. My brother and sister are both narcissistic disordered and that would describe them. If you don't know the disorder. Learn now. It is how you will deal with them later. You are making it too easy for them to rip you off. But, I know that narcissists have a way of making you feel completely unworthy of anything. I think that is why I had such a hard time billing my mom even while knowing that my siblings had stolen hundreds of thousands from her as she developed dementia. The lawyer told me "go now, find any accounts you can and put them in your name, removing your sister and brothers." We did that to stop the financial abuse. And power of attorney was changed from my sister to myself as my mom was so angry over the land they had taken from her. They did so at first signs of dementia. We completely re did her trust. Your POA can do that and if he/she is someone you trust. Perhaps, he can put himself as executor or someone you KNOW is trustworthy and loved you and your mother. You would need a lawyers advice though. I'm not one. So, keep that in mind. In fact, my moms dear friend and I had a plan as I was the little sister and up for alot of abuse as power of attorney. She was listed as first poa on the trust. Then, she signed it over to me. So, I was actually doing it. When my brother of sister had a problem with it, they'd call her and she'd just tell them, "Sorry, I can't help you with your personal problems." They'd call her an lie about me and she was there to protect me as she was a life long friend and knew how they had really treated my mom. As the caretaker you need to have some control over the finances. Good luck!
Here's a great basic article that really explains a narcissists characteristics in one page... "Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your narcissistic is 1) Lying. She knows what she did was wrong and she knows your reaction is reasonable. 2) Manipulating. She’s making you look like the bad guy for objecting to her cruelties. 3) Being selfish. She doesn’t mind making you feel horrible as long as she gets her own way. 4) Blaming. She did something wrong, but it’s all your fault. 5) Projecting. Her petty, small and childish behavior has become yours. 6) Putting on a self-pitying drama. She’s a martyr who believed the best of you, and you’ve let her down. 7) Parentifying. You’re responsible for her feelings, (and behaviors) she takes no responsibility for yours.
Also, I mentioned her dementia that was continually getting worse. And that I felt bad putting the money in my name. But, the lawyer explained to me that I was protecting her and myself and that he was able to talk to my mom and see that she could make the decision. And that it is very hard in a court of law, to claim that someone was not able right at that moment to decide for themselves.
Also, narc people are afraid of facts. So, keep a journal and keep good records of expenses and everything. I had to gain strength and Sandra and I both submitted a report of Elderly abuse for the land and money. That seemed to scare my brother and sister.
My sister and I will both be taken off as executors and hopefully my cousin who is handling moms money now will be willing to take over. If I go for the money now, then I will anger my uncle and his daughter. They have been right by our sides through this whole mess and supported my family and I would not feel right doing that. Can't i cause a stink at the end by holding up the probate and really pissing my sister off. I'm at about $35,780 for her care for 9 years and another 6,750.00 we have spent on her share of the water/garbage and cable and phone. So now I am owed 42,530.00. I began keeping track at $13.00 an hour and now I am at $16.00 which I think is very reasonable.
Ps. I forgot that I could have gotten an additional $400 a month in rent as it is a duplex and I was only getting 200.00 a month. So that comes out to an additional 37,200.00 for 9 years. So the whole amount I can claim right now is 79,730.00 which my mom does not have since my sister took 23,000 of her money and had mom sign her IRA over to half for my sister. Mom didn't know what she was signing.
Bloated - my mother is in assisted living, my sibling only has to take her to appointments when necessary - NOT caring for her full time all by herself. I too visit Mom every weekend for several hours and do take her to run errands when necessary. I do my share as well.
friendsofcam: Do you get paid by medicare? Can you still keep your job but get paid like part time work for taking care of mom? Can you collect for past years?
Do raise bees? If so, that is so cool! I'm intrigued by bees...
To answer your question the simple rule is this:
A trust will have a trustee. If accounts are titled in the name of the trust the account will read: XYZ Trust dated 00/00/0000 XYZ, Trustee.
Assets in the trust are governed by the terms of the trust at the grantor's demise. Not by the will (unless the trust directs proceeds back to the estate of the deceased), or by other ownership, or by beneficiary (testamentary) provisions.
I called her son-in-law to tell him since the older sibling doesn't speak to me or to her mother. I called their daughter to make sure that she knew. I called my other siblings. I called her siblings.
Her oldest grandchild told me that she had issues with her grandmother. Her son-in-law told me that he didn't know what to say. Younger siblings said thanks for calling, we'll call her at the hospital --- only one who called was her son and he told her how a friend of his had turned septic within a matter of hours and died the same day she was released from the hospital. My mother's brothers were called and one of them proceeded to scream at me because older sister's gone and told another whopper to the relatives as to why she has no contact with her mother. As if I didn't have enough to deal with, now I had to deal with their misguided anger in defense of older sister and her issues. In the meantime, I put over eight hundred miles on the car going back and forth to the hospital to be there for my mother so that she wasn't alone.
On Friday, one of her nieces got upset because the landlord's maintenance had issues at another one of his properties and didn't have time to install a ceiling fan in her bedroom. She also found fault with the way that the yard was trimmed, like I didn't already have enough to worry about.
Now, the issue is this: how much information is owed ANY of them when they don't really give a flip if she lives or dies as long as they get their share when her life is over? They don't help. Quite frankly, the only time they seem to know the phone number is when they want something. I almost told her brothers about older sister's attempt to DNR our mother when our mother was just gone from the room for a test, but they wouldn't believe it if I did. The only reason why she didn't get her way was because I flat out told her no.
And I still remember the Mother's Day when her oldest grandchild screamed as she came into our home "Nanny, I know what I want when you die" at the top of her lungs. Uh huh. Love? Nope. Greed? You bet.
I'll tell you how much information they're owed morally --- absolutely none.
I am getting better at telling people to mind their own business when it comes to MY involvement with my mom and if anything earth shattering should happen, I will let them know. Practicing setting boundaries is essential.
It shouldn't have to be like this. The last battle she should have to fight is over someone's lies.
I have specifically asked that nothing be left to me in any will she makes out. I don't want anyone to think that what I've done for her was for any reason other than I love her. God knows, and I know, that it's the only reason I've been able to stick it out while the others run.
"Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your narcissistic is 1) Lying. She knows what she did was wrong and she knows your reaction is reasonable. 2) Manipulating. She’s making you look like the bad guy for objecting to her cruelties. 3) Being selfish. She doesn’t mind making you feel horrible as long as she gets her own way. 4) Blaming. She did something wrong, but it’s all your fault. 5) Projecting. Her petty, small and childish behavior has become yours. 6) Putting on a self-pitying drama. She’s a martyr who believed the best of you, and you’ve let her down. 7) Parentifying. You’re responsible for her feelings, (and behaviors) she takes no responsibility for yours.
Also, narc people are afraid of facts. So, keep a journal and keep good records of expenses and everything. I had to gain strength and Sandra and I both submitted a report of Elderly abuse for the land and money. That seemed to scare my brother and sister.
You go girl!