After yrs of resenting my sis for not helping with the parents, I decided to truly assess the situation. I came to the conclusion that my sister just is not capable. She lives her life her way (on the other side of the country), quietly, avoiding schedule diviations, can't handle confrontations, everything must be neat and tidy. Does that sound like a person who can handle helping a sick elderly mom? No way. I still resent her, I don't think it's fair that she's mom favorite, but I have to be realistic, she's not cut out for any other life but her own. She has always been weak. I can't make her be something she isn't. I pity her. I'm also thankful I got the "strong" genes!
Lack of concern is a serious character flaw.Keep your ducks in a row-your paperwork straight.The ones who care the least are often the ones who cause the most trouble in the end.Don't ever think your immuned because you are doing the right thing and are a good person.The law does not care about good people.They care about paperwork and money.Beware of the deadbeat siblings.
I am another one who will tell you to be specific. "I need Saturday to myself to fun errands for my family. If mom could spend just this one day at your home that would really help out." My mom still lives in her home, but no longer drives. I am the child that lives the closest. We do everything. The little home repairs. Driving her to church. Taking her for groceries. When it comes to her doctor's appointment (once a month with her shrink) I make her call one of my siblings and they must do it otherwise she has to spend her money on a cab. Less inheritance for all. If your mom is able, have her make the call and ask her kids to do something for her.
I also have the problem of "don't worry about mom Bridget takes care of her". I have 9 brothers and sisters and yesterday was Mothers day so everyone called, that will be it until her birthday in October. It amazes me how easy it is for some to just look the other way. I also work 40 hours a week and have 2 sons and a husband and Mom lives with us full time. I have asked for help, just a few hours and nothing. I know the day my Mom closes her eyes they will all weep and moan, but I won't because I will know I did everything I could to help her when she needed it. Big believer in what goes around comes around. Keep your spirits up, you are not alone.
If they don't respond to you being specific and tell them what you need/want from them, then you sprinkle in guilt and see what happens. If after those ideas don't work, you 'take it in the shorts' so to speak and forget it & let it go, cause it'll make you miserable otherwise. Sorry.
tennessee, that was beautifully said, right on the money!!! I still stand by my post describing my sister as not being cut out to caregive. In my neck of the woods, being or not being cut out to do something equals being or not being capable. She's weak, timid, can't cope under pressure, lives mainly for herself, etc. That is not being cut out to caregive. My dad on the other hand went to nursing school to be an RN after 21 yrs in the military. He was compassionate, caring, a people person, dedicated and lived for others. He was cut out to be a caregiver and he considered it an honor to help those in need. There's a big difference in not being cut out to caregive and not wanting to do it. Many caregivers on this site, NH employees, hospital staff - there are loads of people who are cut out to care for others. I gave my sister a pass because the resentment and anger was eating me up inside. I had asked, begged, tried to embarrass and shame her but she couldn't step up, she even told me it was beyond what she could do. At least she was honest. So I accepted it, moved on and looked at it as having one less thing to worry about.
I am one of 12 siblings and 2 of us take care of my mom while the other 9 completely ignore her. It is a source of great consternation for me, but I cannot make them care. They will have to answer to a higer power one day and I can only do the best I can. Just know that you are doing the right thing and whatever issues the sibling has are not your problem.
The question was How do I get a sibling to help. It is pretty clear from all the responses that you cannot force someone who doesn't want to help to help. If they have an epiphany and decide that they should help and finally do, great...but most in this forum know from personal experience that it probably ain't gonna happen. This forum doesn't follow Bambi's mom's rule, that if you cannot say anything nice.....and I find that refreshing...only different viewpoints and true discussion can solve problems...Realizing that some can and will help, some can but won't help and some can't and won't help will give the burdened caregiver some peace of mind. If you cannot change something don't try. Also try not to focus on the lack of help you receive. My mother was diagnosed with AD 12 years ago. For the first 6, I sent e-mails that explained AD. I called and asked for help to 3 sisters to no avail. She is now in the moderate/severe stage. When I finally realized that it would be me and only me caregiving, and gave up the bitterness from having to care for my mom alone, my chores didn't become easier but I became less stressed. Again look for friends, neighbors, and social programs that may be able to help, try not to dwell what cannot be changed.
I an sorry if some of you thought I was judging anyone I was just pointing out in my state children are not responsible paying for their parents care but spouses are responsible when one spouse goes into a nursing home the spouse who is at home loses everything unless they planned ahead and put their home in trust when I was doing the medicade application I found out that they would take his social security pension life insurance investments in his name and or my name besides my life insurance was considered an asset and would have counted againist me-when his mother went into the nursing home she was self pay until she has spent down and then the nursing home did all the paperwork to get her on medicaide. I was a caregiver for 16 years for my husband and certainly do not judge anyone else and I try to be supportive of all others at all times-I have been so involved for many years and do have experience dealing with the same problems that other caregivers have and am sorry that I made some upset-I was only trying to give facts and most of my enteries do get stars for being helpful and do get favorable commets on my board. I am also pushing elected officals to make home care in my county more fair and when APS came to my house I passed along my experiences to help others and also passed along information about not paying the funeral home too quickly because if they have to wait for the life insurance they are more apt to help with the paperwork which I did not know at the time. And the bottom line is what others have found out you can not make others help you and caregivers are very often on their own-I realize all of this I have lived it myself-and I am truly sorry for making any of you upset.
Wow, let your sister know how much you appreciate her work, and how unfair it all is. I think the caregivers on this list know when a sibling is a true selfish deadbeat and when they really can NOT help equally. One of my sisters has disabling back pain, walks with a cane, takes handfuls of meds, is extremely poor, and car is always broken, lives a few hours drive away. But still, she is genuinely involved and concerned by email.
I do SEVEN days straight, and sometimes have up to 12 hours where Mom is at daycare center, occasional respite caregiver who also helps tidy up. In reality, there is no time off, for these hours are spent on errands, shopping, noisy vacuuming, yard work. The caregiver actually needs a lot of attention and managing, and I'm more exhausted on the day she comes to "help."
My sister, when she helps even a few hours, is a total physical wreck. Once it took her a week to recover. She also let my mom fall when transferring her to the toilet. She could not do the heavy lifting. (I lift weights separately to be able to do this for Mom.)
Perhaps ask your sister for things you can do on days you usually aren't there. Shopping for them while you do your own shopping, internet research. Get her a massage wand she can use on her parents and for her back. One of the things my nieces do is to find cute greeting cards for my mom, full of stickers and cute notes. They send me a stack at once, and I slip one into the mail regularly. This takes some of the socialization strain off your sister, as the cards are a bit of sunshine from outside.
You could also show up with a fresh DVD to watch with your parents. If there was just one DVD I'd recommend it would be Andre Rieu's concert video of the Radio City Music Hall concert with the Harlem Gospel Choir. We have watched that dozens and dozens of times. It is eternally fresh. Maybe you could borrow a friend's dog and bring the mutt by for some pet therapy. These sorts of rays of light don't take that much strain to deliver, and believe me, your sister probably does not have the energy to entertain your parents if she's doing labor all the time.
Good luck, and you know our appreciation that you are even concerned enough to post on this board. Your heart seems in the right place.
I still resent her, I don't think it's fair that she's mom favorite, but I have to be realistic, she's not cut out for any other life but her own. She has always been weak. I can't make her be something she isn't. I pity her. I'm also thankful I got the "strong" genes!
I gave my sister a pass because the resentment and anger was eating me up inside. I had asked, begged, tried to embarrass and shame her but she couldn't step up, she even told me it was beyond what she could do. At least she was honest. So I accepted it, moved on and looked at it as having one less thing to worry about.
I do SEVEN days straight, and sometimes have up to 12 hours where Mom is at daycare center, occasional respite caregiver who also helps tidy up. In reality, there is no time off, for these hours are spent on errands, shopping, noisy vacuuming, yard work. The caregiver actually needs a lot of attention and managing, and I'm more exhausted on the day she comes to "help."
My sister, when she helps even a few hours, is a total physical wreck. Once it took her a week to recover. She also let my mom fall when transferring her to the toilet. She could not do the heavy lifting. (I lift weights separately to be able to do this for Mom.)
Perhaps ask your sister for things you can do on days you usually aren't there. Shopping for them while you do your own shopping, internet research. Get her a massage wand she can use on her parents and for her back. One of the things my nieces do is to find cute greeting cards for my mom, full of stickers and cute notes. They send me a stack at once, and I slip one into the mail regularly. This takes some of the socialization strain off your sister, as the cards are a bit of sunshine from outside.
You could also show up with a fresh DVD to watch with your parents. If there was just one DVD I'd recommend it would be Andre Rieu's concert video of the Radio City Music Hall concert with the Harlem Gospel Choir. We have watched that dozens and dozens of times. It is eternally fresh. Maybe you could borrow a friend's dog and bring the mutt by for some pet therapy. These sorts of rays of light don't take that much strain to deliver, and believe me, your sister probably does not have the energy to entertain your parents if she's doing labor all the time.
Good luck, and you know our appreciation that you are even concerned enough to post on this board. Your heart seems in the right place.
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