There are 30 states having laws of "filial responsibility," stating (in varying degrees of seriousness) that the grown children are responsible for caring for their elderly parents. It is not often enforced, with Penn doing the most of it. It is often used by nursing homes to recoup expenses when the Medicaid route didn't work out for some reason. So google that term "filial responsibility laws" and you'll start getting some insight. I think these laws will be more enforced in the future.
I have two very evil deadbeat sisters, and one sister who reformed from a resentful deadbeat to one who is moderately sort of almost interested. She helps occasionally, but cannot help really cause of her disabilities.
I don't buy it that a sibling just isn't cut out for this. NO ONE is. You see the challenge and grow into it, you choose to make sacrifices. Every second, these deadbeats have the opportunities to turn their lives around and do the right thing. It's not just one decision, an "oh that's just the way I am" decision, it is ongoing second-upon-second.
It's like someone who decides to rob the 7/11 at midnight. There are many steps to getting a weapon, a dozen turns on the drive to the store, opening the car door, walking in the store, pretending to shop till the right moment, then confrontation and robbery, perhaps worse.
Deadbeat siblings are like that, ignoring you moment upon moment, abandoning your parent every second. It's not like one deadbeat sort of person, one event.
Oh, about that filial responsibility law, I thought that if the nursing homes (and I believe the states themselves) have the right to sue deadbeat sons/daughters...why can't the sole sibling caregiver sue the final estate for a fair share of the inheritance?
I agree with Ed I know the last time I visited with my mother she has so many complaints to all of us esp. my nephews and myself and if she is like this with my brothers I do not blame them one bit for not called more often-elders can be very cruel and often think they are entilaled to be nasty ask them why they are not involved and if there is anyway they can give assistance they might provide funds so you can hire care or pay for help with house cleaning etc. at least you will know the reason they are not involved and I am sorry if my commet upset you if I was the one who was being refered about not being helpful.
The fact you call your brother/sister "sibling" indicates you're harboring some deep-seated resentment that has to do with a lot more than calling and offering financial assistance. It seems the only connection between you too is blood and the psychological friction caused by your need to hold him/her accountable.
That being the case, he/she isn't obligated to assist with the financial affairs of other adults within the family. And if the mother you're speaking about is actually your MIL, then that's where your husband -- who has apparently chosen to stand by the sidelines -- comes in.
Have you ever, without resorting to any type of recrimination, asked why your "sibling" is staying away from it all? You should, because there's a lot more to it than what you're sharing in this forum.
Youknowvivian, we have a couple of assisted living in our small town that offers care on an as need basis if we need to leave town, get sick, ect. Please check in to some of those in your surrounding area. Good Luck to you.
all of the comments were very helpful and all were considerate of our feelings except one. Thank you all. MOM is just dumped on us and everyone else feels that we are perfect for it and their lives are simply too busy. Even when we sent her for a vacation to one brother last year she was supposed to stay amonth...well that was a joke they sent her back in much sooner. We were hoping for some alone time. Now my husband has to go in for a very serious spinal sugery in four days. I had to scramble to find someone to come in to stay with mother for four days (that is how long the doctor suspects he will be in the hospital four hours away)...it is so strssful I feel like the tearsw are always at the edge and I cry at the drop of a hat. It hurts that they don't offer to help. My husband won't ask.
There were very good commets made I would only add has she been verbably abusive to any of them in the past that might be a reason everything is left for you to do this is probably not the case just a thought.
well, you have two choices: one) you can take them to court/mediation center and ask the court to make them help you paying for her medical bills, medications, needs, etc. (second) you can go to social services(food stamps, public assistance) Social Security office, Aging Department and explain the your economical situation and ask them for help x your mother. definitively, they will help you out, believe me.
It depends on whether you have a mutual respectful relationship with your sibling and he or she values your opinion. If not, there is not much you can do unfortunately. Using threats only alienate them even more. Perhaps periodic phone calls (without any pressure) about the status of mom and how difficult it is for you without that help may over time soften the heart of your sibling. All the best!
I am another one who will tell you to be specific. "I need Saturday to myself to fun errands for my family. If mom could spend just this one day at your home that would really help out." My mom still lives in her home, but no longer drives. I am the child that lives the closest. We do everything. The little home repairs. Driving her to church. Taking her for groceries. When it comes to her doctor's appointment (once a month with her shrink) I make her call one of my siblings and they must do it otherwise she has to spend her money on a cab. Less inheritance for all. If your mom is able, have her make the call and ask her kids to do something for her.
Lack of concern is a serious character flaw.Keep your ducks in a row-your paperwork straight.The ones who care the least are often the ones who cause the most trouble in the end.Don't ever think your immuned because you are doing the right thing and are a good person.The law does not care about good people.They care about paperwork and money.Beware of the deadbeat siblings.
If they don't respond to you being specific and tell them what you need/want from them, then you sprinkle in guilt and see what happens. If after those ideas don't work, you 'take it in the shorts' so to speak and forget it & let it go, cause it'll make you miserable otherwise. Sorry.
What can you do about it? Nothing. Once, I realized the answer was nothing, I quit wasting my time. Lord knows I have much better ways to spend my time and energy. Don't try to change what can't be changed. What can you do to not let the neglect bother you? That is the difficult question. I wish I could answer that question because it would help us both immensely, but prayer, meditation and a walk always help me. Good luck with all in life.
Of all the caregivers I know, regardless of how many siblings they h ave, it is usually just the one child that takes care of the parent. Very sad, but a fact of life. You know they will be standing there with their hand out when their paret passes on. Very sad and selfish.
I also have the problem of "don't worry about mom Bridget takes care of her". I have 9 brothers and sisters and yesterday was Mothers day so everyone called, that will be it until her birthday in October. It amazes me how easy it is for some to just look the other way. I also work 40 hours a week and have 2 sons and a husband and Mom lives with us full time. I have asked for help, just a few hours and nothing. I know the day my Mom closes her eyes they will all weep and moan, but I won't because I will know I did everything I could to help her when she needed it. Big believer in what goes around comes around. Keep your spirits up, you are not alone.
I'm in the same position. My mom doesn't even get a birthday, christmas or birthday card from any of the family(except my daughter and grandkids) , let alone a call or visit. She lives with me for the past 5 years and is over 90. It is stressful but I'm glad I still have her. I think they stay away because they feel guilt...or better yet are selfish and are living a great free life while I'm trapped and can't go anywhere for over a few hours. Vacations.........what are they.
After yrs of resenting my sis for not helping with the parents, I decided to truly assess the situation. I came to the conclusion that my sister just is not capable. She lives her life her way (on the other side of the country), quietly, avoiding schedule diviations, can't handle confrontations, everything must be neat and tidy. Does that sound like a person who can handle helping a sick elderly mom? No way. I still resent her, I don't think it's fair that she's mom favorite, but I have to be realistic, she's not cut out for any other life but her own. She has always been weak. I can't make her be something she isn't. I pity her. I'm also thankful I got the "strong" genes!
That is the bizillion dollar question! In my experience, and reading the experiences of others in this forum, there isn't a whole lot you can do to get your sibs to respond the way you hope they would. Usually, one family member steps up and the others step way back. This may seem obvious, but have you asked them to participate more and share the burden that this has caused your family? Sibs favorite line is, "well, I just didn't know..." They may or may not, but at least you have laid out the reality for everyone. Do it respectfully, be specific about the things you need (ie: it would really help if you could take Mom to the doctor this week, could you come for a visit and stay with Mom so we can have some family time, Mom could use a few extra dollars for expenses, etc...) I know these things should be apparent, but you know what they say about the "squeaky wheel."My sib is passive/agressive...to everyone else he is the caring son, with me he gets beligerent and stomps off...a longtime avoidance technique. What is the alternative if your family never responds? Will you look for another placement for your Mom? Do you help support her? Does she live with you? Have you looked into state/medicare/medicaid assistance? This is a good place for advice and many points of view...check back...good luck Lilli
I have two very evil deadbeat sisters, and one sister who reformed from a resentful deadbeat to one who is moderately sort of almost interested. She helps occasionally, but cannot help really cause of her disabilities.
I don't buy it that a sibling just isn't cut out for this. NO ONE is. You see the challenge and grow into it, you choose to make sacrifices. Every second, these deadbeats have the opportunities to turn their lives around and do the right thing. It's not just one decision, an "oh that's just the way I am" decision, it is ongoing second-upon-second.
It's like someone who decides to rob the 7/11 at midnight. There are many steps to getting a weapon, a dozen turns on the drive to the store, opening the car door, walking in the store, pretending to shop till the right moment, then confrontation and robbery, perhaps worse.
Deadbeat siblings are like that, ignoring you moment upon moment, abandoning your parent every second. It's not like one deadbeat sort of person, one event.
Oh, about that filial responsibility law, I thought that if the nursing homes (and I believe the states themselves) have the right to sue deadbeat sons/daughters...why can't the sole sibling caregiver sue the final estate for a fair share of the inheritance?
The fact you call your brother/sister "sibling" indicates you're harboring some deep-seated resentment that has to do with a lot more than calling and offering financial assistance. It seems the only connection between you too is blood and the psychological friction caused by your need to hold him/her accountable.
That being the case, he/she isn't obligated to assist with the financial affairs of other adults within the family. And if the mother you're speaking about is actually your MIL, then that's where your husband -- who has apparently chosen to stand by the sidelines -- comes in.
Have you ever, without resorting to any type of recrimination, asked why your "sibling" is staying away from it all? You should, because there's a lot more to it than what you're sharing in this forum.
-- ED
Now my husband has to go in for a very serious spinal sugery in four days. I had to scramble to find someone to come in to stay with mother for four days (that is how long the doctor suspects he will be in the hospital four hours away)...it is so strssful I feel like the tearsw are always at the edge and I cry at the drop of a hat. It hurts that they don't offer to help. My husband won't ask.
Once, I realized the answer was nothing, I quit wasting my time.
Lord knows I have much better ways to spend my time and energy.
Don't try to change what can't be changed.
What can you do to not let the neglect bother you?
That is the difficult question. I wish I could answer that question because it would help us both immensely, but prayer, meditation and a walk always help me.
Good luck with all in life.
I still resent her, I don't think it's fair that she's mom favorite, but I have to be realistic, she's not cut out for any other life but her own. She has always been weak. I can't make her be something she isn't. I pity her. I'm also thankful I got the "strong" genes!
This may seem obvious, but have you asked them to participate more and share the burden that this has caused your family? Sibs favorite line is, "well, I just didn't know..." They may or may not, but at least you have laid out the reality for everyone. Do it respectfully, be specific about the things you need (ie: it would really help if you could take Mom to the doctor this week, could you come for a visit and stay with Mom so we can have some family time, Mom could use a few extra dollars for expenses, etc...) I know these things should be apparent, but you know what they say about the "squeaky wheel."My sib is passive/agressive...to everyone else he is the caring son, with me he gets beligerent and stomps off...a longtime avoidance technique.
What is the alternative if your family never responds? Will you look for another placement for your Mom? Do you help support her? Does she live with you? Have you looked into state/medicare/medicaid assistance?
This is a good place for advice and many points of view...check back...good luck
Lilli