My only sibling refuses to help 90+ yo parents. What to do?

I also had a narcissist, self-centered bastard of a brother who was the "golden boy" his whole life. He would not lift one finger to help our parents. I was named trustee of all of their money, which means that he was not entitled to a damned dime. When Mom passed, I was not obligated to split the money with him. He got nothing, and I bought a new house. I see this as compensation for many ruined holidays, and for him sitting on his ass while my husband did the work he should have done. A trusteeship works by giving you your parents' money, and then you dole it out when they need it. If there is anything left, you keep it. I do think there are issues with Medicaid, so I would seek the advice of an estate attorney. In the meantime, husband and I are enjoying our house, while my brother works at Walmart.

It’s easy for people to suggest a retirement facility but unless your parents arranged for that, it might not be readily affordable.

Interesting info in the article

https://www.nextavenue.org/forgotten-middle-afford-senior-housing/

Your a nut Mitch!! That's the stupidest advice i have ever heard!!! You're a nutcase!!!

Wel, 1st of all, I'd stop talking to the rock.
2ndly, I have no good advice to give you, but a lot of the people who have written to you about what they would do have many great things to consider advice wise. Stan Z. ( Tazzman )

Gad. It's so sad to hear of the selfish siblings. I have a child who will take care of me. His wife is very generous and kind. The rest will likely contribute some money, but I'm guessing not a lot. I feel lucky to have him and his wife, and we plan to leave any money we have to him and and his wife. My Husband and I took care of my Mom from 1988 until her death in 2005. It was his idea she move in with us. Sometimes it was hard, but I'm so glad we did it. I couldn't live with myself if I left a parent to die on their own.

Yes, I have an older sister that refuses to contribute financially or otherwise to my Mother and Brother's care. They live with me and my husband. They are here twenty-four seven. We could use a break from them but no in the family, aunts or sister will step up. So we just go on doing what we can. The hard part is when the aunts or sister come to visit, once a year if that. We have to smile and pretend we like them anyway so that we all won't be uncomfortable while they're here. VERY FRUSTRATING !!! So we don't get cancer from anger issues, we try to forgive them over and over again with God's help.

He is 'male' so gets off & you are 'female' so must shoulder these jobs which many guys use as an excuse & have done so for centuries - I assume your parents are imigrants & that bro is still is in the dark ages - good luck because he's not going to change

If he is employed and taking money from them, perhaps you could get POA or control of their finances. I'd work on that. If you accomplish that, I'd tell bro that you were in control, and you'd see that not one thin dime would go to him unless he started pulling his weight. I'd tell him you were working on a restraining order because he was taking advantage of your parents. A good scare won't make him a decent person, but it might get his attention. What a XIJ!!?!

I have 4 living siblings. One lives only ten miles away. One lives less then an hour away. My dad has leukemia and my mom has alzheimers. I have no sibling help. I've been taking care of them doctors appointments pick up meds fill the meds every week (mom is on 26 meds a day). Do there Bill's online. When there is an emergency they call me not 911. They gave me poa years ago. Some siblings got mad at that and not only dont talk to me but havent spoken or seen parents in three years. Parents have no savings and live pay check to pay check. I totally understand what you are going through. It's very depressing being the only one doing anything. And when having an emergency myself I cant even count on my siblings. I had to have rotar cuff surgery and i take my dad to immuntherapy every month. Everyone said they couldn't take him so he drove himself an hour there and an hour back. I believe my siblings are all self centered and truly dont care. It's sad and hard. Hang in there. Havent spoken to 3 of my siblings in three years and about to give up speaking to the last one I talk to. I have so much hate towards the siblings and get so down and sad all the time. I feel guilty for feeling like this but there is only so much a person can do and take. I dont understand how siblings dont care and can just live there lives. Hanging on by a thread here. But this site helps me so much knowing I'm not the only one going through rough times.

My brother kept saying to me "you don't have to do all these things you say you do...it is your choice".  He is right, it is my choice not to be a selfish ass.  You have to let your sibling go...he has made his choice and you have made yours.  With that being said, you are only one person and there are only so many hours in a day.  Your last big effort in all of this may be to find somewhere for your parents to go....moving my mom into assisted living took many of the tasks off of my plate.  Now, I do her laundry and bring her personables and pay her bills.  Everything else is handled by assisted living facility...medication, doctors visits, meals, etc.

Don't give your brother one more ounce of your energy.  He doesn't deserve it and you can't afford it.

It's not like you are going to get anything out of a rock, but I would be tempted to ask for money in lieu of participation on his part. A small amount on a monthly basis. Say $25.00. $15.00. $10.00? Enough to cover your gas expenses?

Ugh, MMason, I'm so sorry for you. I did have the same situation. I can tell you that the situation brought out some just bizarre psychological s**t from both of my sisters (separately) toward me, since childhood. It was just so crushing to me that they cared more about their petty issues with me than our mom. [There's no history of blowups or actual incidents among us.]

During the 5 years I lived with mom (was forced to retire from 35 yr. career, the meltdown of a 30 yr+ relationship, mom deteriorated very quickly and dramatically. numerous 911 calls, following ambulances (usually in the wee hours of the morning) , 6 admissions, countless dr. appointments [never a letup]. Younger sis (by 7-8 yrs.) has always detested me (only Freud could begin to try to figure that one out), so even though she'd retired and did not need to work financially, she kept getting new full-time jobs while I was getting CRUSHED psychologically and physically, and refused to ever come over to visit my mom because "I" was there.

The older sister has always been icily selfish and self-absorbed, and not ever much interested in family.

At some point, they each sent e-mails telling me flat-out to stop contacting them with my 'hysterical' reports (each time following ambulance rides, surgery for broken bones, strokes, constant UTIs, full-time doc appointments). Just MEAN.


SO, MMadison, I finally gave the sisters 30 days notice that I was leaving. This was emotionally devastating for me, and in NO way gave me any satisfaction. But I knew (intellectually) it was the stronger thing to do given the facts. Expectedly, the one in town is experiencing what I went through, and is now the #1 caretaker. It's been a year now, and I'm gradually, slowly healing. I've had a gift of a GREAT therapist who I've worked with for many years, and always knew of the situation and supported me big time throughout that period.

I am sorry that I couldn't provid a more hopeful experience. You'll continue to learn how absolutely classic the sibling scenario is, so knowing you are NOT alone may help you. Thinking about it, though, I am serene that I have absolutely 'clean' karma because I never said an ugly word to either of them [they are how they are, nor would they respond to a scolding from me]. I did my best with my mom [and did a damned good job], kept my peace, and am now working on healing, which will never be complete for me. My therapist tells me that I need to work with PTSD from the experience, now that I'm 'out' of the situation.

In the end, I hope that you will also know that you did your best, and never slacked off your commitment. The support from this forum kept my head above water the entire time! My best wishes to you. Namaste.

You should stop talking to a rock, because I have never ever heard of one talking back, and the one you have does talk, but his answers do not help you, so they add to your stress level. So just stop, and leave him out of your parents affairs. After so much of you beggin for help, he has not moved one inch, no more than any other rock can move. So get some help from a reputable organization, or ask around for people in you church congregation, or anywhere else too help you out at times, so you can take an occasional break, and during your break reach out to anyone beside the 'Rock' to help you out.
I really wish you the best, but you are between a rock, and another rock...him.l
taz0921 (Stan Z.)