Sibling is primary caregiver. Is suppose to have POA. Sibling not sharing ANY infornation on parent. - AgingCare.com

Sibling is primary caregiver. Is suppose to have POA. Sibling not sharing ANY infornation on parent.

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I have asked repeatedly for information (medical, financial, etc) concerning dementia parent. Offered to "help out" with parent. Sibiling has refused all requests. Even hired a personal friend to care for parent when they left town for a few days, instead of allowing me to care for parent. Sibiling even TRIES to tell me what not to talk to parent about. Wants me to inform them of my possible visits to parent. Every time I ask questions, or offer help, sibiling just states "I have it handled" or just ignores me. Never answers my questions. Is there anything I can do to make him give me and my other sibilings the requested information? I don't care whos in charge of what when it comes to my parent, but I am extreamly concerned of the sibilings lack of transparency concerning my parent. What can I do? What type of atty do I need to find?

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Oh blimey, let's sort that one out… Daisy, Jeanne was addressing the Original Poster, emily10695, not you!

And I do hope that you didn't think that I was impugning your integrity? I have no reason to - what I'm getting at is that suspicions, whether well-founded or not, do form in people's minds and especially so when they are feeling vulnerable or anxious about family matters. It's a question of getting to the roots of a problem with communications, and seeing if you can do anything to sort them out. So, for example, if someone suspects you of something then the way to clear up the suspicion and lay it to rest is not to be offended by that suspicion, but to provide reassurance that there is no basis for it. Which, I see, you are doing.

And actually I'm not quite sure what you're upset about. You say you're not getting paid a dime - well, it turns out that the reason for that is your declining to take a dime. Good for you! - but hardly grounds for complaint. You clearly feel that $17,000 is too much for the care-giving work undertaken by another family member; but what would you say is the hourly rate that works out at? - not forgetting that that person is also losing the notional market value of his or her time, and is very likely to be facing an increasing burden of care rather than one that can be gradually delegated. You say you're constantly being questioned; but then that all of your father's current finances are available for scrutiny - so what's the problem? Why not just point to the numbers? The contents of his will are, and should be, confidential: how hard is that to explain? And then you wrap up by saying that you will not lay down this burden because you mistrust one of your siblings in particular. Well, what I'm telling you is that I know how it feels to be viewed with that kind of mistrust. For your father's sake, I hope that your sister deserves it as little as I do.

Family relationships are difficult and can be painful. I have no idea whether you feel it is worth your while to attempt to improve them; I merely offered another perspective hoping it might help you do that if you wish.
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I guess I am really confused here. DaisyFields, are you emily10695, the original poster? That is who I was asking questions of.

Help me understand the relationship between and emily10695, please.
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Kathyt, that's a good idea- I think! Will give it a lot of thought. I, however, don't agree with you about your statement about attorneys. Many are honest, hardworking and want to help. BTW, many many mediators are lawyers!
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Hire a professional mediator. An attorney is an irrevokable step that will destroy any chance of a loving peaceful solution.
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JeanneGibbs, I already spoke to many of your questions. Yes Dad lives alone and wants too. Yes there are 2 siblings living within minutes of Dad. I live more than two hours away. No one resents anyone for wanting to see Dad. I do keep my siblings up to date on the general state of the finances, I.e. At this time Dad has plenty to live on, or the markets doing great, his investments are growing. I, along with a CPA prepare and pay his taxes for him as he no longer can. Those documents as well as others are available for my sibling to look at- it's no secret. Also, as to what someone earlier alluded to as to my honesty, I can truly tell you not one of them thinks I would ever be anything less than completely honest. I am honest- to everyone (sometimes when they don't want hear it.). And, after Dad passes a judge will be reviewing both the estate and the trust one day, and every penny has to be accounted for on a legal level. In addition all my siblings have encouraged me to take at least a nominal trustee's fee and reimburse myself for expenses, but I've never done so to date. Maybe someday.
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Emily, as others have said, the person with POA is not obligated to share information about the parent and in fact has some obligations of maintaining privacy for the parent.

In most loving, functional families, siblings do have civil conversations and share at least general information. "Dad has enough money for about three years of nursing home care, if it comes to that. Dad's health seems good enough right now to stay where he is with lots of help." Not the specific details, maybe, but general information so that everyone shares a view of Dad. Why this is not happening in your family is hard to say. Are you demanding more specific details? Are you being critical of your sibling's caretaking decisions? Are there some childhood issues getting in the way of a mature relationship among you?

If you are refusing to take the caregiver's advice about what topics to avoid and every time you "help" Dad winds up upset for two days, I can understand why the caregiver would rather handle things himself. You want caregiver to cooperate with you, but it doesn't sound you are willing to cooperate with him.

Why would you object to the simple courtesy of informing the caregiver/POA when you will be visiting? Does he then try to stop you? What is the real issue here?

I am not sure of what kind of attorney you need. It doesn't sound like POA is breaking any laws. Maybe what you need is some family counseling, to learn how to work together on your father's behalf.

As CountryMouse asks, is Dad living alone? Where are the other siblings? Is the primary caregiver married? More information might help you get more specific answers.
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Daisy, read this bit:

"But at the same time I know if I did, at least one of my sibs would be helping herself to Dad's hard earned savings. You just can't win!!"

And then this bit:

"we all sit down and try to talk it out, we've done that and the hostility I felt was so thick you could cut it with a knife."

Anything strike you about those two sentences??!! Believe me, I do understand, and I do sympathise with how you feel. But I'm smiling, and in a way I'm laughing at myself.

The thing is, breaking down this horrible brambly overgrowth of mistrust and defensiveness is terribly difficult and takes more - I'm not sure how to put it. It takes a conscious, deliberate and often HUGE effort of generousness and candour, at just the time when you least feel like offering your siblings those qualities.

The thing is, if you look at it from the, er, more casually-minded sister's point of view, what if she suspects you in turn of "helping yourself"? I sometimes tell myself that every gripe and moan and evil suspicion I entertain about my mean/useless/uncaring/waste of space siblings (respectively - not all at once!) is probably felt in reverse by them. Well, I know I'm not guilty! - what if they're not, either?

My sister didn't want me to have HPOA for my mother because she was anxious that it would give me some leverage over the finances (no, it wouldn't; and as it happened I was too late anyway - but that was what she feared). Now the thing is, that she and my brother have joint FPOA so theoretically they watch each other, yes? Yeah right. My brother couldn't give a hang, and would never ask my sister to account for the money. As it happens, I would be extremely surprised if she has ever put a penny out of place - but it crosses my mind, occasionally. She could, if she wanted to. Offshore account. Quick sleight of hand with an investment. Nobody's checking… (yet).

What would make me happy would be a monthly statement. It would take her milliseconds to do, I know she's got the basis drawn up because she lives in terror of audit by the Office of the Public Guardian, and… well. It would be polite. And inclusive. And then when mother worries about how she's going to pay for things (about four times a week) I could just shove the numbers under her nose and say look Sis has it all under control.

Anyway. All I mean is that the ill-feeling can feed itself. Anything you can do to break it down is probably worth the effort; and candour - minding out for breach of confidence, which is a different matter altogether and I'm glad to see you're wise to it - is perhaps a good place to start. Best of luck. In my family my sister and I are approaching a less hideously stressful modus operandi but it's taken eighteen months and we weren't fond of each other to start with.

I saw a birthday card once that read "Families are like chocolates. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts." Tchah!

Families are like chocolates. Best for your health when enjoyed in very small doses - if you ask me.
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My Dad is still living in his own home. My mom is deceased. I live quite a distance from Dad, making it difficult to see him as often as I would like. In addition I'm still working full time (would love to retire but can't afford to).
Two of my siblings, one sister and one brother, live very close to Dad. One in particular has been helping my Dad with day to day chores, doctor's appointments and meals. She has been very well compensated for that to the tune about 17k a year, which she demanded as a salary. While Dad has lost his mental capacity to remember something you just said one minute ago, there was a time when he was an extremely intelligent and sharp businessman. Long before he started losing his memory, he had all the necessary paperwork drawn up (Will, FPOA, Trust, etc.). He asked me to if I would be willing to be his executor, FPOA and Trustee. That's a lot of work, but as one of my friends told me, he obviously had his reasons for asking me.
I really don't mind the actual work - it's the constant criticism and strife between me and my siblings that's so troubling.
As to the suggestion that we all sit down and try to talk it out, we've done that and the hostility I felt was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I'm not sure there's any solution to this problem, but I DO appreciate your help.
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Having had a parent with Alz, I can tell you that your sibling is on point telling siblings what not to talk with the parent about. There were topics (football, music) that made Dad happy but there were other topics that agitated or upset him. Only someone who was with him would have not only known the topics but also how to read his mood that day to know if other things would upset him.
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You are still able to visit your parent whenever you like, are you? - leaving aside the basic courtesy, of course, of informing members of the household of when you plan to do that. Is your sibling actually living in the same house as the parent he cares for, or nearby, or what? And is there a Mrs Sibling involved in your parent's care?
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