My brother is 14 years older than me. My mom has Alzheimers. It's technically in the early stages and she is still living on her own. Dad died earlier this year, after a quick battle with cancer. I have two brothers, and the three of us have been trying to navigate this since then.
Here's the problem. He lives 1000 miles away. The plan, for the last 6 months, was that mom was going to move down to where he lives, either to live with him and his family, or to live in an assisted living facility. He has the grandkids and a large extended familial unit there - here, it's just me and mom. And I am in school and have a full time and part time job. It has always been clear that no one expects me to be the caregiver. I am not equipped for it.
He recently stated that mom won't be moving to Texas because, according to him "she doesn't want to move". I am now the primary caregiver here, by myself. However, he seems to feel as though he needs to micromanage everything from 1000 miles away. Literally. He will call and ask me what a $15 charge on her debit card is. He refuses to put me on the checking account (he IS on it) and generally refuses anything I say. It is quite clear that, in this situation, I am inferior. I am the little sister who, although she is 30 herself, has no business being the caregiver of anything OTHER than mom herself. It has been this way in our family always, he gets it from dad - women especially just don't get as much say. I've been fighting it my whole life. Every decision must be run through him, and he refutes just about every opinion or idea that comes to the table from myself or my other brother (he's my twin). My other brother doesn't live in either city, so he's pretty quiet on everything.
I don't know how to do this. It's causing so much strife with a sibling I thought I really understood, and so much anger and bitterness because really, if you're going to dictate that she stays with me, by ourselves here, it stands to reason that you would say, "You know what? You're there. You make the daily decisions for mom, financially, emotionally, etc. Big decisions can be made with all of us. Everything else, I trust that you're making the best decision for yourself and for mom." I know it's hard to give up that control but I just feel so crapped on.
None of this has been my decision, or anywhere close to what I want. Decisions are being made for me without my approval or consent, and I feel so chastised and condescended to. I'm often feeling so angry that I'm in tears at the end of the day. I don't know how to fix this.
There is no respect, only expectation. It is EXPECTED that I will be okay with this, being the female of the siblings and a "natural" caregiver. It is EXPECTED that I will acquiesce because I'm here already. It is EXPECTED that I will do anything and everything because she is my mom and I love her. Anything that isn't that and I'm selfish.
I just don't want to do this alone. I can't. I don't want to be the only one here, taking care of her, or visiting her several times a week, or dealing with her decline without the emotional support they all have down there. Doing this now is almost impossible, I cannot imagine how it will be when she loses so much more. It's heart wrenching and it makes me so lonely. To say nothing of her sadness - it's still early enough that she is completely aware that she has Alzheimer's, and with this being the first holiday season since dad died...SHE needs the emotional support, so much more than me right now.
I'm really glad I found this site. I imagine it's going to be invaluable to me in the coming months and years. Thanks to all of you for your advice and support as well. I think mom spending the winter down there is a great proposal, though I'm 99% sure there will be some excuse not to.
Also, can I just say, a BIG middle finger to Alzheimer's. Truly.
I can understand though that it's a tough choice for her. And it might be that if she does move to Texas, a hot state, from the cold state of Illinois, she might find the climate an uncomfortable challenge.
It seems to me that the better solution is for her to remain in the house, with funds from your brother to your to provide assistance in home with care and house upkeep, and the grandkids can visit during the summer. That meets all 3 issues: her desire to stay in the home she lived in with your father, your access to financial support and visits by the grandchildren.
Honestly, if you said, "Mom, we have to move you to Texas.", she'd agree and go along with it. I think what really happened is that we got to the point where we were going to move her, and he decided that isn't what he wanted, and asked her what she wanted, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that she would say she wanted to stay in her house. Then he wiped his hands of it. He literally said, "Well, mom said she doesn't want to move, so I've stopped worrying about it.". Unfortunately that motto of, "It's what mom wants/doesn't want." can only go so far in an Alzheimers patient, and if you're not going to use that logic with anything else (he hasn't been), it doesn't seem fair to use it here.
Do not blink. You are NOT going to be saddled with every OUNCE of responsibility for your moms care without having the AUTHORITY for financial and healthcare decisions when mom is no longer able to handle her own affairs.
If mom is no longer able to sign new POAs, either your brother relinquishes the checkbook or he picks her up at the train station.
I think you're justified in telling him that if you're going to take care of your mother, you need flexibility, leeway, and above all, RESPECT. If he won't authorize you to sign checks yet scrutinizes a $15 purchase, tell him that either he learns to trust you or he can take over the caregiving, including moving your mother down to his home area.
What your mother wants is not the only governing factor; what you have in your life (education and jobs) as well as what you want and have time for are major factors as well.
He'll probably get angry, say that's not realistic, and you can counter with the fact that he's not being realistic in expecting you to bear the complete work burden of caregiving while he keeps a tight rein on the purse strings. I'm sure from what you wrote that he'll come up with something to disagree with that approach.
This sounds like more than family dynamic; it sounds like the chauvinistic approach that the woman should be the caregiver while the man manages the finances. That attitude may still, exist in some geographic areas, so apparently your brother needs a lesson in women's rights as well.
I'm sure he'll make everything uncomfortable for you. Stand your ground, limit your conversations, and if you have to, just communicate in writing because I have the feeling that conversations will get nasty and he'll be demanding.
Turn the situation around; YOU set the standards, you tell him what you need and that's the only method by which you'll handle the caregiving. And think what you'll need in the future as well, especially outside care.
Make it clear that you're not compromising yours jobs or education. Be firm, even though he may get hostile. You don't need to be bullied by either him or dominated by your mother.
Best method is to do this by e-mail, including any compromises or agreements he makes. That way you have proof that he acceded to your demands.
Mom may have to adjust her thinking as well and agree to move, as the situation as it is now is untenable for you.
If he takes the ultimate irresponsible attitude and accuses you of being responsible, you can point out that YOU'RE trying to work things out but he's not. If he were responsible, he wouldn't be interfering with your care of your mother.
Keep shifting the blame back to him.
You can also talk with your mother and tell her that if she wants you to remain as her caregiver, she needs to shift the financial responsibility to you. Otherwise, it's just not a workable situation.
Good luck; this isn't going to be easy, but don't give in. You're in the right; he's wrong.