Follow
Share

Mom will be 83 this year. She cooks and burns her food unless she is being watched. She lives alone, has other health issues. Sister refuses to cooperate and tell us anything, just says mom is doing great. Mom is depressed and angry, and our sister seems to be the cause, we feel, because she says things to mom about how bad her siblings are and mom says she has no choice but to accept our sister, because she has no one else. How can we find out how she really is doing, her current health situation? We have contributed to her finances, but we aren't told what her finances are, just that she needs money. Mom just lays around, watches TV, sleeps. Now she doesn't want anyone visiting her. HELP!
The other siblings want to do what we can to help her, but between our sister telling mom negative things about some of her children, mom totally believes her, she's even told mom's doctor I abandoned her, whereas, my sister told me to stay away, she'd doing it all herself.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
It's got to be horrible for you to sit on the sidelines and see this manipulation.

This is a very tough situation, but you seem to have siblings who can back you so in some way, if you can gather strength from each other, maybe you can approach your mother together.
If you are asked to contribute to your Mom's finances, you should be getting an accounting of why the money is needed and how it's used. Your sister shouldn't balk at that and you can feel free to hold back money until she gives you an accounting.

From an outside view, your sister seems to be skewing everything in her direction and using your mom. If you think your mom is in a dangerous situation (not enough help) you could ask Social Services to do a welfare check. You could, also, of course, ask for help from an elder law attorney. However, be prepared for
a permanent family split if you do.
My heart is with you,
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Who has the POA? Some needs to have the financial POA and someone needs the medical POA?

Who has these tools, if no one you may want to seek out a lawyer.

For me, I have the opposite problem, I have siblings that are in denial or don't understand what Alzheimer's. My siblings accuse me of lots of things, because they can't admit the truth about their own behavior.

I hold the medical POA, I pay the bills and cover anything of mom's after her paycheck pays the bills afford out of my pocket. So I have a different situation, but you need to know who has the POA's and then seek out an attorney that specializes in eldercare to learn your rights.

I am seeking an attorney now to protect me from siblings who's true colors are now showing.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

mom1of6, I smell a rat here don't you? Since you siblings have been giving money to help, that's where the rat smell comes in I think. Sister has an agenda of her own, time to find out what that is. Carol is right, have a social worker do a welfare check and see what's going on. If I were your mom and thought that none of my other children wanted to see me, I'd be depressed to wouldn't you? But I wouldn't be surprised at all if it turns out to be all about money. It's that whole 'LOVE of money being the root of all evil' that the Bible talks about.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

The only thing that came to my mind was to go visit your mother if you haven't already. Are you in the same town? If not, plan a trip. Seeing you may be good medicine for her and set her straight about the support that she has from her children.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Your sister says you should give money and not ask what it is used for. But she's full of it, isn't she?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Before you do a welfare Check, do everything in your power to get answers from your Sister, give it some time too to get to sit and talk with you and not by the telephone. I have been called on for Social Services and from that point on being thrown under the bus, I will never ever ever talk with my sister or brother again!!!! Mature & best way to handle this is to have a talk by sitting down and not on the telephone. Then figure out a plan which works for all of you, including doctors, meds, visiting, etc. Hope you use Good judgement because if not it will mess up your family FOREVER!!!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

With stage 5 dementia I am surprised she remembers to call you to thank for anything, sister must be reminding her to make the call. Do you ask her what she bought with it, if sister took her out for errands? Something just does not make sense. Rather than send a check I would send items she needs.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Without knowing all of the details it appears your sister is isolating your Mom from the rest of the family. She maybe even threatening her if she communicates with her other children. This is clearly a sign of elderly abuse or exploitation. Money, many times, would be the catalyst for this.
If she is burning things and living alone this is a dangerous situation which needs to be addressed immediately. You and your siblings need to see your Mom and spend time with her...just go, dont ask if you can come. If you find the situation isnt safe or she is not getting the care she needs then you can intervene. I would also seek out an eldercare attorney for your legal rights and for who is the medical and financial POA.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

WHEW!!! It's like da ja voux for me to read all these posts - all excellent ideas and advice. 1) your Mom is a danger to herself @ Stage 5 Alz; living alone and burning food - 1st red flag...
2) - 2nd red flag...your sister is manipulating her and you and your siblings - time to have your county/city elder abuse office make a surprise visit; I mean surprise, because if they call to make the appointment, things will not be in the "natural" state; I know this from first hand experience and then I was labeled a troublemaker. My Dad was abused physically and financially by my brother.
3) Every sibling has a different relationship with a parent each unique in his/her own right and the dynamics can be either positive or negative. Go visit your Mom, keep the conversation on the basis of your relationship with her, not what your sister has told her. Other siblings should do the same - or better yet - all go together on a regular basis to keep an eye on things. 3rd red flag...One controlling sibling can do so much damage to a family it is unbelievable!
4) be sure you have a social services agency and staff you can trust and depend on. They are not all equal in education, honesty, and services.
5) get her to her doctor and inform all siblings via email or better yet, get them to go with you to hear what the doctor says; if she in Stage 5, she must be on some kind of medication? There are other conditions that mimic Alz. - has she been tested? complete blood work panel? neurological tests?
6) A health care POA and durable POA should be in charge, be honest and up front with all family members to what is going on. 4th red flag...Whoever is spending her money needs to be held accountable how/what is spent for her; and those who are contributing to her care are legally privy to an accounting.
There you have it - I've been down this road; nothing is sacred and family members you thought you knew and trusted, can turn against you - don't let that happen to you. Good news tho' - we sisters have reconciled - because I wanted to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. God bless all you caregivers out there and keep the faith - without it life is tougher.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If I read the question correctly, your question is basically what rights do you have knowing your mother's health issues? Well you have every right to know all of your mother's health issues from her doctor(s) if you are there by her side, that's it pure and simple. If children do not participate in the care of a parent, especially to not bother to be there for a doctor's appointments and especially in the hospital, you simply will be left out. I have seen entire families sitting in waiting rooms with one parent, as well as at hospitals. I have two children and frankly if both of them were not there for me during medical issues, I would be hurt by that. Money is not everything, money is not love. It is really more important to show your love by holding a hand and telling someone you love them than sending a check, especially as family is aging or have terminal illness'. Stop giving money and start being there for your mother. If she's influenced by the sister it will pass once she knows that you and your other siblings are there for her, if the sibling is manipulating the situation your lack of involvement only feeds it, plus if a parent as so many children, and only one is around that puts out any effort in care giving, yah, said parent is naturally going to have more of a relationship with that child than the other's. Yes, care giving is hard, yes it is work, but well worth it, I myself went through this, I'm still going through this with my Dad, I would rather live with the stress of it now, than the guilt later knowing I was not there for my mom and dad, and only sent a check. Meant with love, hugs to you, hope everything works out.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter