Sibling issues in same home with parents. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Sibling issues in same home with parents. Any advice?

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I have had more problems with the sibling of poor hygiene and overall instigator. Seeking counsel to either have him remove himself or legal action to do so. But now he is Videoing me! Every discussion I have with Mother who has dementia but I am trying to be nice enough for him to remove himself on his own. Has told people I am abusive and that I steal from Parents! Almost to much to handle..What options do I have about the videoing?

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Good. I was about to suggest you contact his probation officer but you've already thought of that. I'm sorry it's come to it, but you'd better follow through as soon as you can - I'm sure you're right, and the outcome will be better for all concerned, including your brother, once he's out of there. Meanwhile your main concern is your parents, and the last thing they need is a troublesome, demanding (and frankly antisocial!) child to look after. You're doing the right thing, I'm just sorry it's so uncomfortable for you and miserable for your poor mother. Best of luck, please update.
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It is their home. Before his Stroke yes my Dad agreed for him to live here. He probably never thought things would be this way. If my Dad knew the things he was doing he would seek help for him. I have wanted to call APS on the brother but if he was forced to move it would hurt my Mother. Now though his behavior is so bizarre and the things he does hurt me, so in turn it effects their care. No neither would be better in a facility. I run a very tight ship with the Caregivers and have a really good staff of CNA's! But no one is a Nurse, so there fore all his meds and nutrition I do. The VA has appointed me his Fiduciary and yes I have POA. And yes I have finally contact his Probation Officer and have made Police Incident Reports each time something Bizarre happens. I do fear for my safety from him, My Mother knows that I have reported him. I have both a Elder LAwyer and a Criminal Attorney who completely support my actions. As does her Nurse who is very aware of everything that has gone on for the last two and 1/2 years. I am just in disbelief that he can film me with his camera phone and nothing can be done. And the accusations of the abuse and all has just pushed me to take action. The probation officer said he should go and talk to the DA to have the conditions changed I am trying to let him make that move on his own, but I am completely prepared to do it incase he does not. The PO said I would have to go to the Judge. My Attorney is ready to act. Only good will come to all if he leaves. One they will force him to get help and take care of himself and two the stress that he causes will be gone, and three if he gets it all together then he could actually maybe get better and help in some way but just not live here!
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Does probation think his job is caregiver? Does he have another job? How old is he? Seems living with parent as a condition is extreme unless he is a kid. Do you know for a fact that living with parents IS a conditon? Have you seen the court order? I would call his probation officer for a chat. Maybe the camera will be turned off if he knows probation is after him.
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Who owns the house? If your parents do, how do they feel about Brother living in it?

Do you have Power of Attorney for your parents? Do you have a written personal care agreement for taking care of them?

It is a condition of his probation that he lives with his parents. But surely the parents have to agree to that. Do they?

(Just trying to see what the legal background is.)

Objectively, would your parents be better off in a care center?

Does you mother believe him when he tells her she can't use her microwave because of Dad's oxygen?

Have you talked to his probation officer? If you succeed in making him leave, what will happen to him? Will he go to prison? You say he is mentally and physically ill. Is anything being done about that? Is he in counseling, for example?
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Yes I take care of both. She is ambulatory but has the beginnings of Dementia. So he manipulates her horribly. Example::We came home with oxygen for my Dad and he told her she could not use her coffee pot, microwave etc just because he was upset that he had to go to his truck to smoke and I would not let him keep oxygen that a buddy of his had given him with no knowledge on how to use. That's just one example. There are ten a day! My Father is bedridden has to have have 24 hour a day care. If I leave they will both have to go to a home. So I can't nor do I want to leave. I want to take care of them in their home so they can be comfortable and not scared. Yes he needs to move. Tried having him just do it on his own, but it is conditions of his probation that he live with them. He has violated probation on every conceivable level. He has told the courts he is their Caregiver. He is not he does nothing but cause problems. He is ill himself both mentally and physically. So now he has discovered the new toys of videoing people and there is nothing you can do unless he is doing it while your undressing or in the bathroom. It does not matter that you have an employee here and that I may be in my gown. He does this just to aggravate me, the main caregiver for his parents. So that shows that he does not care about their care. Caregiving is not for the faint of heart and when people try and do things just to upset the caregiver it is wrong. It has nothing to do with rivalry, maybe jealousy that they can not do the same to care for parents or just don't like that fact that someone else is in control. IDK I am just frustrated that there is nothing that can stop him from videoing me! I have Nanny Cam's in my Dad's room for the simple reason of the caregivers. We can't talk I can not have any type of conversation with him, and this is all because I expect him to be clean in a home with two elderly people who have low immune systems and it's just common courtesy to be clean when you live with someone. So there are ways to have him removed trying not to get to that point. But the videoing is just over the top.
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Your profile says that you are caring for your father but your post only mentions your mom. Are they both being cared for? And you and your brother live with them?

Your brother has bad hygiene, starts trouble, and videotapes you talking to your mom. He's told people that you are abusive and a thief.

I don't think you can make him move out anymore than he can make you move out but it's clear that someone needs to strike out on their own and get their own place.

To be honest this sounds like one sibling tattling on the other sibling. I have no doubt that it's frustrating but you're an adult and you don't have to participate in these childish behaviors. If it's getting to you that much, move out. You're going to have to be the one who changes because you can't force your brother to change. You have no control over what he does, you only have control over what you do.

As far as the videotaping goes you can ask your brother to stop or you can just walk away from it.
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