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I am sick about it and not sure what steps I should take. I became Durable POA because after a few incidences with him stealing her money now two years later it is starting again. It started years ago talking her into $1000 here and $1000 there. Loans for his kids cars, school etc. I found out two years ago that 8 years ago he opened numerous credit cards in her name charged them up $154,000 then had her go down and declare bankruptcy.
He also has borrowed $45,000 on the only life insurance she had left. This policy had all 3 siblings as beneficiaries. There was $26,000 left which we were going to use for her burial. In the last year her dementia is starting to get worse. She refuses to see that he is stealing her money. It was all brought out in the open and I figured now that he was caught it would stop. Especially since he is publically known and represents himself as a Christ follower. Well two years later now that moms credit is cleared up he took her out and had her lease a vehicle for him (he has horrible credit. A note from the credit report tip us off and sure enough the loan is in her name, her plates and I think she thinks she cosigned for it. This made me look into the insurance policy and he has taken out more and had the beneficiary changed to him. So now there is no burial money. She owns property but has a $31,000 mortgage and an equity loan on that (brother's of course). This property was suppose to go to my other brother but I do not think he will be able to pay off the loans in order to keep it. When I talk to my mom she gets very mad and accuses us of trying to kick him out of the family. She says she spent the money on trips and house improvements. Sorry but there is nothing that shows that and I paid for the last trip she took.
So do I just walk away and tell my brother the funeral is on him? I have talked to my lawyer about all this when the car issue came up. I am very close to outing him but that would sever ties with the family.

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The suggestion to get new cards with the "check ID" on the cards is great. You can actually refute charges that might be made if the ID is not shown and (supposedly!! written down). The elderly woman I worked for could no longer sign her name, so we did just that--had a "show ID" cards done and though she had not driven in many years, she had a driver's license, and then just a state ID card. I INSISTED that clerks check the ID, for MY sake, b/c she was spending often a LOT of money and I never wanted to be caught off guard.
Seems like there is always ONE in the family. My creepy brother did so much damage to so many people. He's dead now--and mourned by only one person--my mother who saw nothing but good and light and perfection in him. It's hard not to hate him. I don't care that I won't get an inheritance, but I sure care that my youngest brother and his family have suffered financially for years because they had a huge house payment they should not have had. Good luck--your mom is gonna be mad--brace yourself for that. No matter what my brother did, mother backed him up. Still does.
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There is always ONE sibling. The favorite. A murderer/drug addict/lives-in-the-basement-at-age-30. Possibly disabled in some way, unable to hold a job, but that one sibling is Mommy's Little Baby Boy. (always seems to be a boy. "Congratulations! It's A BOY!") I don't know what to tell you except try to protect her assets as best you can. Even if mom gets furious at your interfering (because Baby Boy is so near and dear to her heart), see what you can do to protect her assets. Please. Even if she gets mad, it really is for her own good.
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Caring and Loving's idea is basically good, but realize that in some stores at some registers on some days, they won't bother checking, or they will take someone's word that they are supposed to be buying whatever it is they are buying - whether to avoid confrontation or just speed up the line. And they might call the cardholder and in the case of an elderly person who might not understand, get an "OK" from them that they should not get.
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Sharon, if a DPOA is aware of a crime, such as financial abuse, the DPOA has a legal obligation to report the crime. Failing that, you can be charged as an accessory to the fraud.
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Sharon, hi again....Diane in Florida...(caring & loving)..one more suggestion and this is even good for everyone in this forum...when I received my bank debit card, the gal that helped me open my account told me that no one should ever put their name on the bank of any bank card or credit card. Using a marker, put show id on the line for your signature...this way if your brother uses moms card and the clerk asks to see the back of the card and that persons name is not on the card ....uh oh, the sale will not go through. In fact if I were you I would take all of moms cards and call each place and tell them your brother is using the card without permission and you want to freeze that card so nothing can be charged. You then ask each credit company to send out a new card with new numbers and ask if you can be an authorized user and you can have a card in your name as well....take the cards with moms name and put them away where only you know where they are and you can use the cards in your name only. If you have a power of attorney you can do this. I would also call the insurance company immediately and ask them to send you a special form that designates the names of beneficiaries and you can ask mom to sign it...just tell her the insurance company is updating for the new year....and by all means speak to an elder lawyer ....he will tell you what to do. You can also get a word out to your darling brother and tell him you already reported his name to the insurance commissioner's office for fraudulent activities....just to bust his bubble...if you want to send me an email, please do so......hope this info helps you out...I am going to post something else later as well. Good luck, Diane
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document everything. put a fraud alert on all bank accounts and credit cards where no one can borrow, take out new loans or charge without a phone call to you. call police and report. I had a relative try to open loans in my name and these were the simple steps the police and bank told me to do. good luck
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Thank you all for the information you have provided. I am not going to sit and watch everything go down the tube. I just became the DPOA two months ago when I found out things had started up again. I have been quietly gathering my information and facts together, Quite frankly the only reason I have not pulled the plug on everything is because my mother insists it was her doing (she is aware of everything I have found out), She will protect him until the end. I have talked to a lawyer and have set up credit notifications and been in touch with the insurance company. My other brother is pulling his support back from me, not quite sure what is going on with that, I suspect he wants to inform me but not get him in trouble. I did note that when he told me about the credit card situation it was after the statute of limitations. I have always been the one on the outside and now it looks like I am going to be the one to dirty my hands. Thank you for listening to my story and affirming what I know needs to be done.
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Sharon, get with the program.....what a story.....but it kind of hit home with my sibling too in my own situation but that is not the issue here....first, I agree with the above comments from other concerned writers to have the car towed without question...you will not have funds for a funeral so you need to find out in your state if they have what they call Potter's field for families who cannot afford funerals and need their loved one buried; or possibly look into cremation when the time comes because that is the least expensive way to go...your brother is not a true sibling; he has turned against everyone and is evil...you need him in your life? I don't think so...I agree...get an attorney involved; what he has done is fraud without a doubt and he stole funds that belong to the family not just for himself....and when you borrow money against a policy you have to pay that back...where is that coming from? I would sever ties with him; I would have a family meeting with your other siblings if you are all in the same area; or then just have a conference call on the phone; your brother has to pay everything back to you and for sure have the car repossessed and tell them your mom has dementia and did not now what she was signing at the time; so her credit will be bad...who cares? She does not need anything; it would be better if her credit score went down so your brother cannot take advantage of her buying something on credit...I hope you do something about this and fast...call an elder attorney immediately...
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The phrase "dead to me" comes to mind. Confounding issue is that the grandson of "bad son" is the one currently providing care.
Random suggestions;
Prepay the funeral
Enact DURABLE part of POA if possible
Notify all credit reporting agencies that she is NOT able to sign up for credit cards or loans (a "freeze") - look into identity theft monitoring
Change ALL accounts/account numbers such that you or you AND she can access, but not her alone (respects her "independence", but gives "bad son" no leverage (include note that triggers a call to you if any attempt is made to withdraw money without you, and a text/e-mail alert to all transactions on any of her accounts)
Create a handy-dandy document that lists all of the financial abuses, "loans" by "bad son" listing date and amount with a total amount, and let "bad son" know that ANY attempt to access her accounts by ANYONE, including outsider identity theft, will trigger that list being forwarded to APS, the DA AND all of the siblings.
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"CLOSE TO OUTING HIM, but..." "taking advantage of her kindness" and "respecting her wishes" ??? Your more accurate assessment is "the monster she created."

Your brother is not being unkind, rude, stealing petty cash, or dipping a hand into the cookie jar - he is a criminal who may make it impossible for your mother to receive care she will need as well as appropriating the inheritances of the entire family. I am not going to apologize for harsh language here. There is no way in hell this is really what your mother wants or needs if she is worthy of being called Mother. Maybe she also had trouble with "confrontation" and standing up for herself and her other kids, or could not admit she was wrong to baby and pity your brother into the irresponsible taker and parasite he has become. If you can't locate your backbone and stop this abuse, it will not stop until every last penny is gone, and if you really are psychologically unable to handle any conflict or confrontation, you need to resign the POA and see that someone else who is less timid takes over while you get some help and learn to stand up for yourself and the people who need you to. And rationalizing that you don't have to get a guardianship unless brother tries to get POA is just that - if it is to his advantage to do that, he will certainly persuade her to change it over. Right now he doesn't need to because he can count on you to keep doing nothing.

Look, you are POA and you are not stepping up to the plate here. Re-read your document. You could be held legally and financially responsible for failing to protect her best interests, as several others have pointed out. Lawyer up and get control, or go to APS and the police, NOW. A decent eldercare attorney can hold your hand through the process and even play bad cop for you to some extent. At the very least get the incapacity letters from the physicians so that your POA is in full effect and her changing it could be more credibly contested.

"All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing." Please stop confusing being "good" with being a doormat.
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Oh wait, my FIL'S Will does state, that those other 2 children have already received their inheritance, in the many many thousands they have finagled out of their parents over the years but the one Son, and myself, will probably never see a dime of his father's money, and we don't expect to, but it somehow doesn't seem fair, does it? The one Son, who has been there, included his folks in every aspect of his life, visits, help around their home, help through medical problems over the years, involvement with the grandchildren, vacations, buried his Mother, and the funeral planning and all that goes with estate resolution, to now having and caring for his Dad, in our home. No we will never see a penny, as at some point, as in most cases something will happen beyond the scope of our capabilities, as he is now 86 years old, that will require FIL to need Nursing Home Care, and the rest of his nest egg will initially go towards that care, before he will hav to go onto Medicaid. Ain't Life Grand? Bitter, ya, I'm a little bitter!
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I have a very similar story to Midkid, my in laws (17 years ago ), owned free and clear, a beautiful little home on a lovely lake, and my SIL, took out 5 separate credit cards in her mothes name, this SIL, lived in Florida at the time, and was a raging alcoholic, in addition to other mental health issues. My MIL, now deceased, caught wind that something was amiss, and asked me to do a credit check, a the 5 CC cards were discovered, to the tune of 68 thousand dollars. And because my MIL didn't wish to press charges, due to her COPD and misguided love for her daughter, who besides this money stealing, and oh so many more, I could never tally, the in laws sold there property before any leins could be attached, and then closed all of these accounts, put stop measyres on their credit, made some deals with the CC companies, paying them off, although a little less with letters to them, explaining the situation. The SIL, Continued on her merry way, with zero penalties against her, although her mother didn't speak to her for about a year. SIL, went on to get "the Cure" in an Alcohol Rehabilitation Center, as my in laws like to put it, though no CURE, has ever taken place, she is still an extremely demented individual who has continued to cause her parents undue stresses. It is such a dysfunction family, and now, since MIL passed away, my FIL has been living with us in our home, and there has Never been a moment where either mu husband's sister or brother have ever offered to help in any way. Its terrible to be the ones who get taken advantage of at every level, and in my situation, it will never change, as I would never allow either of them to cross my threshold, they both are that devious. I couldn't trust either of them in my home, without constantly being afraid that they would steal me blind. So much for family!
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It is true, some people in authority will ask why you didn't step in and fix things. While we grow up with dysfunctional relationships, and 'reasons' for illogical behavior that we're trained to accept, the rest of the world is growing up with straightforward logic.

Even though your mother and brother don't hold you accountable, other people might, ie creditors. The legal world doesn't accept "we didn't want to confront him".

I understand your emotional turmoil, but please don't ignore the worst-case outcomes, and simply hope for the best, as you think through this. There's no free lunch. Good luck.
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Sharon--
You are being far kinder with this brother than I would be. Sounds like you're angry and concerned, but not to the point you're going to actually DO anything. If you are OK with the status quo, then let it go. Bad brother will continue on in his path, and will take from mom everything she has and then some. You probably WILL get stuck with funeral expenses, as there won't be any money for it.
I, too, had a brother who took (stole) from my parents. The rest of us sibs did not know until my parents had to sell their house and we all found out that instead of having $290,000 ( the worth of their home in 1998)--they had less than $120,000. And their silver was gone, as were coin collections worth thousands, and anything and everything of value. He'd simply taken it. You better believe there was confrontation! My dad had let Mother do all this as he was too sick---and then to find their "nest egg" practically gone!
Brother was written out of the trust. Mother still slipped him money every time she saw him, but she was put on a budget with another brother overseeing her. My parents moved into an attached apt at another brother's home and they were supposed to pay off the mortgage in lieu of the caregiving that was going to be required, since brother quit his 2nd job to be home more to care for dad. Ended up they HAD to keep the little money they had left, brother has cared for my parents in his home and they paid nothing but the cable bill since. Dad died 11 years ago, mother is there now. Brother died 3 years ago---still feeling completely entitled to all the money he took. Mother wouldn't pursue legal action, it was her money, so we as kids could do nothing.
I am grateful Mother and Daddy had pre-planned and pre-paid funerals.
If you don't want confrontation, then don't have it. Live with the consequences. I still have some level of anger at the mess "bad brother" left behind, but more of that is emotional stuff--the money wasn't mine, but the repercussions still are there. All 4 of us "stable" sibs have had to step up over the years and help out the brother who has mother living there.
I agree with Windyridge--your brother should be held accountable--but sounds like mom has chosen sides. I'm really sorry for you---I'm not good at confrontation either, I understand, but you have to either confront him, or walk away.
Sorry for the overlong post--this just hit way too close to home!
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Excuse me: your mother did do something about it. She gave you Durable Power of Attorney. Use it.

You need to take legal and/or police advice immediately, for this simple reason: if your mother has dementia sufficiently bad for her to be deemed incompetent, *you* are now responsible for what happens to her money. She cannot act for herself, you have power of attorney, therefore you are obliged to act in her best interests. That's the whole point of it.

You may find that you have more uncomfortable questions to answer about what you have been doing for the last two years than about whether or not your brother will remain in the bosom of the family. Get all the paperwork together and seek advice without delay.
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Sharon it sounds like your whole family is denying the obvious. Stop making excuses and use the dpoa to take care of your mother. The actions of your brother have already removed him from the family. Your focus is your mother. Take care of the situation now.
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Sharon, forget about the funeral. Think about who is going to take care of mom with no assets when she becomes more demented, immobile and incontinent. She won't have any funds left to private pay for a facility and she won't be eligible for Medicaid.

Is that when she moves into your living room? You think your husband is angry now? Either call the police or resign your poa and tell mom and brother that they should have fun living together when the time comes.
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http://www.michigan.gov/mdhhs/0,5885,7-339-73971_7119_50647---,00.html

Adult Protective Services investigators protect vulnerable adults from abuse, neglect and exploitation by coordinating with mental health, public health, law enforcement, the probate courts, the aging network, community groups and the general public.

If you suspect abuse, neglect or exploitation, call 855-444-3911 any time day or night to make a report. Staff will investigate allegations within 24 hours after the report is received.

Vulnerable: A condition in which an adult is unable to protect himself or herself from abuse, neglect, or exploitation because of a mental or physical impairment or advanced age.

Abuse: Harm or threatened harm to an adult's health or welfare caused by another person. Abuse may be physical, sexual or emotional.

Neglect: Harm to an adult's health or welfare caused by the inability of the adult to respond to a harmful situation (self-neglect) or the conduct of a person who assumes responsibility for a significant aspect of the adult's health or welfare.

Exploitation: Misuse of an adult's funds
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He is taking advantage of a vulnerable adult. Time to contact protective services and police
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Sharon, you need for a moment to put aside the "this and that" actions and focus on the underlying issues. Your brother is apparently a manipulator, irresponsible and convincing your mother to lend him money. He's also a predator and an elder financial abuser.

These are the facts on which you need to focus. The next issue is action, and whether you and your other brother can do what's necessary.

Your mother is displaying poor judgment; if she doesn't have dementia significant enough to affect her thought processes, she's still not exhibiting prudent financial management.

And she still shouldn't be handling her own finances. Read the DPOA and see if it allows you to act now, absent any specific finding of dementia. If it does, step in and take over all her finances, whether she likes it or not.

Change accounts, close accounts, put a security freeze on her credit reports - do everything you have to prevent the thieving brother from accessing her finances. She may be angry at you, but this needs to be done.

Your mother is enabling your brother to exploit her. If you want to change the situation, recognize that her behavior is going to turn her against you. You need to be prepared to accept that if you want to make changes.

I recognize that this is a difficult situation - you will likely alienate your mother by stepping in to protect her finances. You'll have to ask yourself which is the worst situation - alienating her or protecting her financially.

Windy's observations are insightful. Given that assessment, do you want to be a party with knowledge of this financial exploitation? What would you say if a police officer asked you why you didn't step in to take control? That's the way law enforcement would see it - you have the legal authority - use it.

If you don't feel up to the confrontation, hire an attorney to handle the action necessary.
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Sharon, what you describe is massive theft and fraud. If you have any proof of any of this your brother should be prosecuted and go to prison. It doesn't matter that mom won't file charges. He is taking advantage of a vulnerable adult. All states have laws on the books to deal with this kind of theft.

The money is probably long gone, but do you not want to see justice done? I'm with your hubby. I'd want to kill this guy.
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Rainmom She is living at her home. My nephew (bad son's son) is living with her. He is a good guy. He has had jobs working with elderly people.. He works out of the house and goes to college. I don't know what we will do if she requires constant nursing care. She is welcome to move in with my family but she wants to stay in her home. She will be 87 this year. The doctor has seen her about the dementia. She is at the stage where she forgets names and who belongs to which family. She is very alert in the morning and as the day goes on she starts getting foggy. I find when she is being constantly talked to she is fine, but there has definitely been a change in the last few months. I think the doctor would have no problem giving us a medical diagnosis. We could go to court to deem her incompetent, but I have DPOA already, so there is no reason to go there unless my brother tries to take control. I think my main reason for not pulling rank is because I am trying to respect her wishes. It is her money and she can do what she wants with it. I think my brother is definitely taking advantage of her kindness. She feels bad because he is the youngest and my dad died when he was only 10 and they had a few lean years while he was growing up. It's her way of making it up to him. However she doesn't see the monster she created.
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Sharon - I'm assuming from what you said your mom is living alone in her house - is that correct? Also, how old is your mom? Is anyone considering where/when/how things will play out of she has to move to a nursing home some day?
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My brother (not the bad one) wanted me to be in charge cause he knew I would handle things honestly. He is out of town a lot with work. He is #2 on the POA and picks up her bills and makes sure they are paid. She knows she needed help. Looking back now I think he didn't want to be the bad guy confronting mom. When we talked about it she asked about the bad brother being on it and she agreed he wasn't good with handling money and she wants to stay in the house. If he was in charge the house would be gone by now. She went from an upside down bank account to actually having a few dollars left at the end of the month. I feel I don't have any support. I have stopped discussing it with my husband cause he is about to physically confront him. He is very confrontational and he doesn't care that my family would rather not have him around cause he speaks his mind. So I am in the middle. I know I will end up doing the right thing, whether it is paying for the funeral and cutting brother out of my life or after my mom passes I will handle some issues that I can not discuss now, that will probably cause him much angst. I appreciate the comments when I see it in writing it only disgust me more the way he has behaved.
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Sorry if I just missed it - but where is your mom living, who is taking care of her? Has your mother been given a medical diagnosis of dementia - would she be deemed incompetent in court?
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You asked what steps you should take but it sounds to me like you don't want to take any because you are not confrontational. If that's right, then my advice to you is walk away from it all - from the DPOA and the money - and continue your life because it doesn't sound like your mother is at all serious about wanting you handle her affairs. And I'm wondering why she gave you DPOA in the first place. Maybe you can say more about that and it will help to understand what it answers you are searching for.
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Well if she dies before he uses up the $22,000 left on the insurance policy, I guess he can use that. It would be just like him to pay for the funeral and brag about everything HE paid for. I am not a confronter. My mother has told me for years it is her money and she can do what she wants with it. Unfortunately he can talk her into everything. I am the bad guy when I say something. She gave him 10 acres of land 25 years ago and he lost that to the bank 5 years ago. The other brother doesn't like confrontation either and although it makes him mad he doesn't want to upset mom. They all live close to each other and I live over an hour away. This is why things have gotten out of hand cause they have all hidden it from me, I think it has something to do with their moral codes.
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How is your crooked brother going to pay for a funeral when he has no money? You and your other brother have to choose. Either confront your mother as DPOA and fix this mess or walk away and let the chips fall where they may. Fixing the mess will require playing hardball. Cancel the life insurance policy. Have the car repossessed by calling a towing company and having it hauled back to the lot where your brother leased it. You and your other brother have to decide what is more important - severing ties with a deadbeat or protecting your mother's financial interests for her future care.
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Credit cards have past the statue of limitations and my mother will say she gave him permission. She becomes very clear headed when defending him. I am the bad guys for bringing it up. Of course I am also the one who has never borrowed or taken a cent from her and I can not even imagine someone doing this. My other brother is playing both sides, he discovers the stuff and yells at him but he doesn't want to get him in trouble or cause family conflict.
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I'm thinking police, jail. No other way.
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