My sibling is avoiding my calls because he doesn't want to share expenses for our father's care. What can I do?

Amy, your father's living expenses should be paid for by your father. Have you looked into what assistance he is eligible for?

If my brothers asked me to pitch in to cover mom's $12,000 per month private pay NH, I'd have to say no. I live in a nice coop and have a relatively new car, but I have a mortgage and am approaching retirement that I need to save for.

We're you brought up with the expectation that you would pay for your parents' old age care? I certainly wasn't

Unfortunately my father only has social security. Our monthly to cover his expenses isn't that great. Only $1,000. I don't think $500 a month from my brother too much to ask to help out. I wish my dad planned better but he didn't. I have spent months working on ways to get assistance and I believe I have gotten all I can from state and government assistance. I really want to find away to get my brother to help out and get our relationship back. Even if he would help find other means of assistance for my dad if he truly can't help financially. I have done all the work.

Amy, you really can't do anything to change your brother's response. You got your answer. He is not going to help with your father financially. Living in nice house and driving expensive car? My cousin would not take his mother, my aunt, to live with him in his new, fancy, 5 bedroom house. He drove a fully loaded, very expensive SUV. He ended up in foreclosure because his expensive house was mortgaged to the hilt, he had no money to pay for the balloon payment at 5 years, and his expensive SUV was leased and repossessed for non-payment. So outward appearances can be deceiving. Telling your father he sent gift cards? Well, if they never arrived, hopefully he kept the receipts and got them reissued ( yes, I'm being sarcastic). I have a brother that I love, but he and his wife are VERY fond of telling everyone all that they do for family...they don't. My brother's father-in-law lives with him and his wife, yes. But he has 3 pensions and pays for part of the mortgage, my sister-in-law's car, $500 monthly to both his adult grandchildren...you can't change other people. If you asked about money more than once, your brother decided you were "nagging". Let it go. Texas is pretty awful about financial support in AL. No Medicaid expansion hurt lots of folks. You might consider a smaller board-and-care if you're taking up most of the slack or get Dad on a Community Waiver for Medicaid. I could not have afforded to pay for my mother's stuff either. And maybe brother is worried about further spending sprees with scammers being the reason there is no money based on your Dad's history and your posts.

Amy,
I'm sure others will chime in here but I'd suggest you look into Medicaid if what you are saying "He only has SS". If his SS is too much to qualify, then seek the advice of an Elder Attorney for a "Miller Trust." This allows for him to qualify for Medicaid and when he passes, the trust goes to the State. This would take the burden off your relationship with your brother and you two can get back to what really matters - your family and relationship with your father before he passes. Hugs

What is your plan when your dad's care needs increase?

You can't know what your brother's financial situation is unless you do his taxes, and even then....

Does he have children? A wife? This all becomes very complicated. We often talk here about how you CAN'T make siblings care, do caregiving or contribute. There are laws in place to force PARENTS to care for their children, because that is a legal responsibility that you take on when you have a child. But there is no legal obligation for a child to provide care for their parent; there are "filial responsibility" states, however, and you might want to see if you all live in one. Then, if brother is truly financially able, you might be able to get a judgement against him to provide monies for care.

However, that would destroy the relationship further.

Dear Amy,

I know you are trying to do all you can for your dad. It is hard to get siblings to help out with time or money. I struggled with this too. How? How do you get a sibling to care about what you have done for your dad? But also get them to contribute. I was so angry. Two of my three siblings did as much as they could, but in my mind, it just was never enough compared to my contributions.

I know its extremely hard to say "let it go." He clearly does not want to help if is ignoring your calls. It hurts. For myself, the moment my dad passed away the anger went out of me. I realized I couldn't get blood out of a stone. As much as I wanted things to be different, they weren't. No matter how angry or sad I was, they weren't going to change their point of view.

For myself, I sort of wished I talked to a counsellor or joined a support group for caregivers sooner. I needed to learn to manage my expectations. My siblings weren't going to change and neither was I. I just wish I didn't let the anger and resentment consume me in the end. I feel it affected my ability to care for my dad and myself.

You and your brother have equal rights to decide what you will do for your father. You each exercised those rights. You made one decision; he made a different decision. I doubt that there is anything you can do to change that fact.

If you are in a position to think it is ONLY $1,000 per month, you should be grateful for your financial security. I don't know how you can judge anyone else's financial situation without being privy to the details.

You apparently had the kind of relationship with your father that makes you want to help him now. I don't think you can automatically assume that your brother did the same.

If you want a relationship with your brother, accept that he is not going to help. And if you want to write him off because he made a different decision, accept that he is not going to help. Then decide if you want to be swallowed by anger and resentment. Make that decision based on what is best for you, not on anyone else's needs.

Lots of great input and things for further reflection. I appreciate each of your perspectives and I have made note of them. I thought as much regarding my brother to just let it go. I have only asked him twice for financial help in 9 months. Again, taking away some great recommendations on things I need to plan for, look into for financial assistance and emotional support. Thank you!

Listen to Jeannegibbs. We are so far down that road. Once you're into the anger and resentment, it's hard to let go of it. I hate for Dad that my siblings and I aren't speaking now. But I have to say that for now, not speaking with any of them is how I stay out of the anger and resentment. It's all so very sad.

He has made it clear that he won't help, so accept it. I have a sibling who won't contribute a penny and does less than the minimum in terms of visits but ironically is an activist in the family values and pro life movements!

IF THE NURSING HOME DID NOT SIGN him up for medicaid i guess you should do it .go talk to the place you have to go get welfare & food stamps & ask them what to do ..i dont know what it is called but go there try to go early in the morning be faster then in the afternoon ..

You need to talk to Senior Services to determine if he is eligible for any assistance.
If your Dad was a Vet you need to contact the VA to determine if he is eligible for any benefits.
You need to look into applying for Medicaid and that may possibly necessitate another move when they locate a facility that accepts Medicaid. Or ask the administration where his is now if they accept Medicaid. Some will allow a resident to remain if they have private paid for a few years before Medicaid kicks in.
Depending on what the additional expenses are you may have to tell your Dad that he needs to cut back on some things. For example if one of the expenses is a Bus ride with the other residents to a Play this might be something that he could do 1 time a month but the weekly outings are a bit too expensive. Sort of like putting him on a "budget" . The less expensive trips would be alright but your Dad does need to know what the financial stress is doing to you. That is if he does not already know. And if he understands.

My brother refused too and his response was not pleasant. The only outcome of asking is that our relationship is broken. I don't want to fix it because I found a side of him that is repugnant. I have no solution for you Amy. I hope the suggestions made by the group members will bear some fruit. Good luck.

If your Dad was a vet, there is a reimbursement available for vets. Aid and Assistance info is on Vet.org. It can help you with the payments. Hang in there.

I have no trouble understanding the perspective of people who really can't help financially, or who are straightforward about it and say they're d**ned if they will, for their own good reasons. I don't feel they owe an explanation, even. Saying no is fair enough.

What I can't understand is the reaction of those who fly into a rage or take sulky umbrage the moment they're *asked.* They remind me of people who complain about being approached by charities and asked for donations, and feel terribly hard done by because they've been "made" to feel guilty. Well oh dearie me, boo-hoo! If you don't want to put your hand in your pocket to help refugee children or old donkeys or victims of torture, no one will force you; but being put to the trouble of saying no - or saying nothing, come to that - is scarcely a hardship.

A side of a person's personality that is repugnant, Donthaveit - quite so.

I take it that your Dad has no assets at all, if so why isn't his care covered. I do know that as long as the person truly has no assets and did not give them away most states will provide care. If they have property - a lien would be placed on it to assure payment for care. Do not let this ruin your relationship with your brother. Hang in there.

From an answer the OP gave to another query: "I recently had to move my father because he was being evicted from his home from lack of payments on his property taxes and home owners insurance. Found out he was sending $500-$800/month of his $1100 social security check via western union to Jamaica."

So, her father has gifted a great deal of money and will be ineligible for Medicaid, I believe.

Western Union to Jamaica. That was a scam, a crime, I would think that Medicaid and or the VA would make exceptions for that. Was a police report filed? Does the FCC have enforcement and investigation of internet crime?

We can only lead a horse to water; we can't make them drink. Likewise, we cant make someone else do something we want them to do.

60+ years ago my parents started giving their widowed moms a small amount monthly to help them out. There were 5 children in our family (newborn to 15) & they were homeowners. Yet, they personally felt it important to help their moms and came up with a small amount each month to send them.

Each of my parent had numerous married siblings, yet didn't expect them to do the same. Nor did they harbor any resentment if it wasn't done -- which it wasn't by a few of them. However, just because money wasn't given didn't mean they didn't help out. One grandmother's hair was washed/styled weekly by a daughter-in-law, another family member did the laundry weekly, another did heavy cleaning, etc. The lesson learned and example set is that each did what they could — or didn't do anything — and the others didn't complain or compare. Nor did they expect older grandchildren to pick up the slack anywhere.

Every family member’s situation was different, they didn't judge or expect more from each other, accepted with grace what was or was not done, realized their own limitations and set their own boundaries, and kept their sibling relationships intact by respecting each other. That is why their grandchildren are so close all these years later.

As I type this another thing I realize happened is the aging parent also accepted & appreciated whatever help was given. While they accepted their own limitations and adjusted their expectations of life. They were aging, couldn't do as much as they once could, and that it's all part of the cycle of life.

Wish I had remembered all of this sooner in my own mother's dementia struggle. Am glad to remember it as my in-laws are starting on the aging/need-help journey.

My mother is in an assisted living facility. We figure her savings will be depleted by and year and a half. We have been assured that once that happens we can apply for Medicaid to supplement her social security and pension and still stay there. Some assisted living facilities have this plan and others do not. Check in to it.

Amy

I know you have really good intentions but did you just assume brother would help out financially? I have a nice car and a nice home but $500 monthly would be very difficult for me. You are very fortunate to be in a financial situation where $1,000 is doable for you. How long can you afford to be in that situation?

My mom has Alzheimer's and now is in memory care. She lived with me for 2 years before I placed her. I knew she had limited funds and I wanted her money to last once I placed her. I think you need a new plan on how to provide for dad within his means. I am not sure what his monthly expenses are - but are you comfortable with paying $1,000 a month indefinitely?

Look at other options; assisted living fees vary. I found that ALF out in the country is much more affordable; also a group home may work out - I visited some that are very nice. I would re-group and try to find a place where dad can live within his means or find a Medicaid eligible facility. What if something happens to you or your income, than what happens to dad?

Amyjow..You need to check with the Assisted Living place again. They must, if I am not mistaken take some Medicare patients and accept the payment the person can afford to make and the State makes up the difference. In addition, he would be allowed to keep some funds for personal use.

Oregongirl, I think that you mean MediCAID, not Medicare. And no, Assisted Living places or nursing homes for that matter don't have to take Medicaid patients if they have not contracted with the state to do so. The original poster in another post said that her father had lost his original home to foreclosure due to non-payment of mortgage and taxes. He was sending large sums of money to Jamaica monthly to scammers. The state she lives in would view that as gifting, and if they are not pursing criminal charges, would disqualify her father from Medicaid.

I cared for my husband until he died and then I cared for my Partner for nearly 8 years. I am a gluten for punishment. NO, not really, I loved my husband dearly and he died after a very short hospice setting. My partner had children who refused to call him or to visit him as long as I was in the picture. They would have placed him in a nursing home and he was so fearful of that. Well my partner died 2 years ago. Before he became ill, he transferred everything to me. House and all assets. Thank God he did. 2 yrs later and I am now faced with a son who made it through brain surgery and is more than likely to be struggling with MS now. I sold the house in Oregon and moved to Texas to be near by son and help his wife with his care. My money is in the bank and I insist that I will not want my children to care for me financially. As elders, we need to start taking better care of our financial picture so that the children are not left with a BIG ZERO. I am a healthy 75 year old. I realize my money may not last, but I am sure doing my best. I gave away everything I owned, furniture, antiques etc to the church. I came with my clothes and 2 yorkies. I no longer have any love for personal items. Of course I took photos etc of the family history. Again, Elders need to take a better look at how they will be hurting their children by being broke. I did not want my kids to have to empty a house full of THINGS kids no longer want anymore. It is not up to my kids as this is MY responsibility. The elderly are living longer and need a financial plan BEFORE they get to old to make that plan,

KDCM..You know what? Your answer is by far the best. "Bring up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they will not fall away". I have to say that the way the parents raise their children will determine the care they will receive from the children. It is not a struggle to love, even a small amount from each child will help. Maybe that is the answer. Parents start young children the act of love and giving.

Amy, you indicate that you just asked if he could help and you seem okay with his right to choose not to, even though you believe he is financially able. You have his answer. Make a commitment to yourself that you will not speak of finances to him again. Not even commenting on how much things cost for Dad or how much it is costing you. No mention of money. That is necessary for you to maintain open lines of communication. If you live in the same town and have to show up on his doorste p in order to open lines of communication, do it. Think through what you will say in advance, such as; you respect his right to determine where he dedicates his money and do not want your request to interfere in your relationship with him. He is your family and having him present in your life is very important to you. You have missed him, so how is he doing? What's new? Never speak of finances with him again.

It is very possible that he is dodging you out of guilt...even though he believes he is right to say no to giving funds. The bottom line is that we all get to decide where we put our money regardless of how much money we have. He may be living beyond his means and all dollars are committed.

In my case my brother could certainly afford it (month long family trips to Europe for his family, near six figure antique car, have a couple of vintage planes built for the fun of it), and he was loved, adored and praised by my parents. But he is incredibly intelligent and lives in his head, whereas I live in my heart. I accepted that we see thing differently and thus we have a good relationship. I sacrificed and may be poor in my most infirm years, but I would not have done differently. I am sure it baffles him immensely.

Now, follow others directions to secure resources for your father to foot his expenses with the assistance of benefits he has earned through VA, Medicaid - whatever means you can access. Minimize your contribution as much as is reasonably possible. Love your father, nurture your relationship with your brother and take care of yourself.

Yeah I have a brother who neither contributes time and money and has seen Mother once in the past 5 years. Yet he knows what's best for both her and I. Good luck Amy. I hope you find helpful solutions in managing the finances

Amy--
Well, you're certainly not ALONE in this--but that doesn't ease the sting, does it?
Mother and daddy didn't plan well for their old age. Lucky for them, one of my brothers added an apt to his house and took them in. Still, Mother finds it hard to make do on her SS alone and all she paying for is her food, cable and supplemental ins.

I also have 3 sibs who are MIA. Two of them would step up, financially, but won't do the "hands on" kind of caring Mother requires.

I learned long ago that you CANNOT change a person's mindset. Mt 3 MIA sibs are not going to suddenly step up and assume care. Our family is fractured beyond repair, and it is due to the MIA sibs simply not caring. It's made the 2 of us who DO care angry and frustrated.

If you are OK with supplementing $$ for your dad's care, then don't ever talk about it to brother again. Let him have his ego-boosting lies, and try to let that go.

People who care, are there. Physically, financially, always.

I have the same situation. It seems that there is always one child who stands up and takes the responsibility and the others usually don't. My Sister made it plane 5 years ago that she would do nothing!!! It finally got to the point that I told her she no longer had a family, she walked out on us and let me to do it all. I love my Mom but after a few years it becomes overwhelming. A few months later she decided that she would take mom for a couple months. We finally had to put Mom in a home, of course I made sure she was with me. I live in Texas and my sister in PA. Now that my sister knows there is no way she will have to lift a finger she acts like she was there all along. I'm amazed at the games and how selfish some people can be. I have learned to let it all go, its not worth it. I say that because it will only hurt you and drive you crazy trying to figure out why they won't help. If you were around my Sister at a family function she will fake cry and act like she had done everything that she can possible do. On the other hand at one time she actually threatened me that if our family (cousins) found out she was not helping I would have bad problems. She has forgot about all the fights and nasty words that were said, as I told her I will forgive her but I will never forget the way she treated our Mother. Best of luck to you, I'm sure this is more of a shock that your brother won't help than it is about the money. I know the money would be a great deal of help however with my sister it was just the hurt that she could be so cold and uncaring about our Mom.

A friend's mother just died a couple weeks ago at 94, was in AL, and luckily had just enough SS to pay. My friend has no money, only a part-time job she is going to lose soon. My friend AND the mother, through unreal family dysfuction, have been estranged from the mother's well off sons and families for 10 years, have never contributed a cent to the mother's care, sent a card at Christmas and that was it. My friend was the sole caretaker and after the mother died, was arranging with Medicaid to have her cremated (they would pay a smallish sum). The mother's son decided to hijack the mother out of the morgue, into a funeral home, and made his OWN funeral arrangements for the mother he had done nothing for, previously, in 10 years! My friend was utterly furious over this. I told her, maybe his conscience was prodding him to 'do the right thing' at last. People are strange, aren't they?