Why sibling has isolated from the whole family?

Sons have a very very hard time seeing their mothers in decline. Three generations in one house can be chaotic for visitors. Your daughter should watch mom so you and husband can have some time for yourselves. Go see your brother and his girlfriend at their place, or meet for dinner. Keep the conversation as light as possible, avoid discussing sad subjects. It will be good for all of you. For one night, just leave it all behind.

You definitely need time for you and hubby and daughter to "just be together" as a family. And also you and hubby need "couple time." And I'd guess that you really need more than 4 hours respite per month.

So the first thing to do is to arrange that. Do what you'd need to do if you were an only child. Rely on paid in-home care. Get Mom into an adult day care program. Find out about volunteer groups who will "granny sit" for a few hours at a time. You NEED respite. Arrange to get it.

Next, you want a continued connection to your brother. I can't tell you why he can't even devote 4 hours a month to Mom's care, but apparently he can't. And I suspect that is an emotional can't -- not a practical can't. So think up some solutions to achieve that. You and brother catch a quick coffee break while a volunteer is at your house with Mom. You, hubby, daughter meet Brother and GF at a restaurant, where no one has to work at the meal.

You need help, and here I am adding more things to your to-do list. Arrange regular respite. Continue contact with your brother. I am sorry about that. I remember how frustrated I got when people just kept giving me more suggestions of things I had to do. But even though I know first-hand the frustration, the fact is, if it is to be, it's up to you to work it out.

Good luck, and please let us know what you try and how it works for you. We learn from each other.

I believe some people want to remember their parents or siblings the way they were.... younger, clear mind, full of energy. They are afraid of seeing the way they are now. My Mom was like that about her own sisters.

Thank you so much for all your replies. To clear things up a bit more, he will not return anyone's calls. I have tried suggesting to get together just to have fun, but nothing. Again, my biggest hurt is why he has shut his niece out, she has asked him numerous times if he could come watch her play softball, like he used to, but no reply. I have to deal with it. But you know how it is when it comes to our kids. My mom feels like she has broken up the family, and my husband and I reassure her constantly she has brought nothing but wisdom to the family. She is the last of 10. I have left messages for my brother saying I love him and will give him space, then months go buy and nothing. He lives 2 miles away. I end up calling saying I miss him and I am not calling about anything, just to say hi, but he will not talk to me, my mom or dgtr, the knot in my stomach can't get any tighter. I don't want my mom to pass way thinking anything but good thoughts. The one thing that helps me is that I am still able to care for her in my home. We watch movies, she is safe and loved beyond words. Just a big piece of the our puzzle is missing. I am currently interviewing respite givers, I am finding myself ready to lose my mind at times, but I pray and walk and tell myself to suck it up and do what needs to be done. Wouldn't it be interesting to hear from the other side of this? I can't seem to find any discussions from them.

How sad! It is possible that this has nothing to do with your mother or even with you. Your brother may be struggling with something in his own life at this time, something he wishes to keep private.

From what you wrote, it seems like your brother feels there is some family conflict going on. Was there an argument in the past that could have created such avoidance? Or do you think he is trying to avoid any involvement that he thinks may come if he interacts with you and the family?

It may not be anything that you've done. My little brother has limited contact with us, though he is one of my mother's golden children. He is very religious. One time I asked him to come over and maybe provide some spiritual guidance to Mom. After being there for a few minutes he was not able to really talk to her. He told me that he couldn't connect with her. I know he cares about her in his own way, he is just not socially adept and she is severely impaired cognitively, so it made him uncomfortable. So he calls her a couple of times a month, which is probably all he feels he can do.

I'm sure my brother's family would step in if asked, but they would do it with attitude. I wouldn't ask them. They have a lot going on in their own lives, so it is easier to hire people. It's a shame that one should even have to ask family. It seems like they should be close enough to know what might be needed. It isn't the way it is nowadays. The Waltons are a thing of the past when it comes to most families.

I also think as Jeanne does. Maybe it is something in brother's life that is not going well. Could be his relationship or his job or just about anything. Men just do not usually like to talk about things that bother them.

im a guy and can tell you that we avoid situations that might become emotionally boo hoo - ish . i dont think its totally because of the way that society has programmed us but also on a battlefield or any other fight or flight situation , an emotional collapse from someone would be a detriment to the task at hand and its outcome . to be fair , knock 10 points off from us gentlemen for our own emotional immaturity too . brother thinks your family has " got " the caregiving handled but if and when he becomes involved hed probably do a fine job . for now hes avoiding the whole disturbing scenario . he'll come around .
send him an email ; " hey f*ckhead , spend some time with your niece , were busy caring for mom and niece needs an evening away " . itll draw him closer to the fray while in his male dumbassed mind he thinks hes grabbing what he loves and getting further distanced .

I would add that both siblings and Mom's sister prefer to not get involved. Aunt and one sis blame their lackidaisical attitude on me which makes it very easy for them to remain uninvolved. Everyone else in the family thinks that my Mom should be placed; that would relieve their guilt, now wouldn't it? My Mom has a guardian that has determined the best place for my Mom is right here, in her home of 50 years, with me as her caregiver, and with her husband a high school beau that she married eight years ago.

I can't see the new girlfriend as a complete coincidence. If she's very family oriented, it could be that she's very oriented... to her own family! On top of which, in a couple it tends to be the female half who controls the diary. I'm sure that can't be the whole story but I wouldn't be surprised if it's a decisive factor.

Jeanne's right: it should be possible to arrange respite breaks regardless of whether or not your brother wants to participate. Apart from anything else, that would also free you to follow Pam's advice to get together socially with brother and new g/f and pick things up again. The bit about poor men finding it so hard boo-boo I have less sympathy with; but never mind that - no reason why you should lose a relationship you value just because of one situation you're out of synch. about.

Why haven't i posted here sooner?? Jessie, I think you are right about some type of conflict. Maybe I am wrong....when dad passed away, I am the one that took mom in. Nobody asked me to. The years have been filled with nothing but good family times (including my brother). When things took a turn for the worst everything changed. My first instinct if the roles were reversed would be to step it up and do what I could to help. But the extreme opposite happened. I offered to take mom in so his thoughts may be "she offered". I'm not upset he doesn't help at all. I'm confused because I have told him I am sorry for asking and none of that matters, we get one family and nobody will love you like your family. CAPTAIN, thanks for giving me a male perspective, I have thought before exactly what you stated. He knows that mom is well taken care of and hopefully feels good about that.
I have one more question... Today is my dgtrs last playoff softball game, for the first time in a long time she called him on her own yesterday without telling me til this morning. She said she left a mssg but he never called back. She said she left the time and place if the game. She said "mom, uncle ........has had 24 games to choose to come to since May and he hasn't saw me play once". I used to say he was working, now I simply tell it has nothing to do with her at all and things will work itself out. She is very mature for her age and just said "ok". One thing I left out, the first time I asked for a few hours of help, he emailed me that he did his part in life by raising my niece, (her mom bipolar), I was the mom and took good care of her with him. But he said he met someone he likes and this is his time to live and he does not feel bad about it. I got off track, last night I was thinking if he can't take 15 minutes out of his day to make an appearance and make her day, well I am washing my hands of all of this. I am so sorry for going in like this, but this is the first time in years I have talked about any of this. I will be very hurt for my dgtr if he doesn't show, but why wily I be surprised? I just get so mad when it comes to him ignoring her. She has nothing to do with anything. I have texted him that there would be no talking about anything, just about my dgtr. I am a very easy going person and he knows that. He could call me now and say let's get that lunch you have been wanting and I would put it all to rest. ARGH, I get my mind racing and pray all the time to stop it. Understand that I am reminded constantly throughout the day by mom with dementia how she feels she has no son, 5 minutes later the same statement. So it's difficult to let something go when it's all that is talked about due to memory loss. Baileys in my coffee maybe???? JK. Thank you everyone for for very insightful words, maybe after I continue to share and learn about your challenges, I can figure a few things out.

What a pity about your daughter's softball season. That's so sad. I hope she takes your good advice about it to heart and really does get that it's nothing she's done, poor love. Hope her team wins :)

Thanks Countrymouse, today is her day. Mom just walked out of room and first thing....."well, no call from your brother, eh?" As she struggles to breath while speaking...I have tl learn how to internalize this constant reminder from her. If it were a constant reminder of "it's starting to get cold outside" that would be a bit easier on my emotions. Geesh I sound selfish not selfless.

I'd imagine he feels guilty.

May I put a little different spin on this? Even if he did "help," his idea (and his new gal's) might be very different from what you imagine. You're thinking, "If he'd only...." If he were in with both feet, he STILL might not "if only he'd..."

From what I read on here, siblings can make caregiving even more of a nightmare than it is. Making decisions by committee is very difficult, in my opinion. I cared for mom as an only child. No recriminations from siblings, no committee disagreements, no help. But SHE had saved for a rainy day. So I got my respite with the money she'd saved.

I understand it's not ALL about his not helping, but more about: "What the HELL is wrong with you???" Accept that you can't know that until and unless he's ready to tell you. "Mom, he must have something going on in his life right now. He loves you...just can't deal right now." That's what I'd tell my mom, I think.

And in the meantime? I'd invite him and his girl to every 'doings' and ignore that he doesn't respond or show up. Olive branches often build into powerful trees. "We hope you and Missy will come to Thanksgiving dinner with us. 2:00. We love you and miss you in our lives." Period. Then Christmas. Then birthdays, Then...whatever.

In the meantime, appreciate the autonomy you DO have taking care of mom. It could be, believe me, much worse.

Maggie, I do agree with be careful what you wish for. I will continue to extend the olive branches unconditionally. Force myself to eliminate the word "why" from my mind. These past few weeks I have allowed all of this to consume me entirely. I don't know why, but it has to stop. I am losing sight of everything good in my life.

Well, neither did he show up or call his niece's game. To see her constantly looking over at me to see if he was there was sickening..

Nomoreme, I think it's time for you to have a chat with YOUR doctor about the toll that caregiving is taking on you. I mean that in the kindest, most loving way possible. But really, get yourself to your doctor THIS WEEK no matter what it takes and talk to him/her about how you're really feeling.

There are times I wonder if a sibling isolates him/herself is when one sibling would prefer that the parent be placed in assistant living/nursing home because they understand all the exhausting work involved.... and the other sibling says no and has the parent living with them. There would be a lot of conflict, be it vocal or silent.

I wonder if the parent is placed in a continuing care facility if the isolated sibling would start becoming part of the family again?

FF, you make a good point. I think that siblings disagreeing about what the best situation is causes a great deal of conflict. In my case it is mostly silent. In fact sibs paid a deposit with Mom's money at a facility for her to share with her husband. They thought that he would/should take care of her. He needs help as well and my Mom has become very difficult with any sort of change. He is competent and sibs did not even mention to him about the facility. And they had never visited it either. It is fairly new and they are struggling with staffing, residents and families complaining. And in this area there are five new facilities that have opened in the past six months. Where are they getting/finding qualified staff for these facilities? Where are all the residents coming from? Are they waiting to fully staff when us baby boomers start needing these places?

Send him one of those "I Love You" cards saying you understand how painful it'd be to care for Mom. Those 4 hours would be sheer torture for someone like me, and my mother and I have never seen eye to eye.

Don't bother calling for help anymore, and take Jeanne's suggestion to hire a temp caregiver.

I wish he felt the torture borrowing all her money. Just saying...he makes a very good living but figures, why spend mine when mom will mail me hers. I don't say a word, it's hers to do whatever makes her happy. Just venting Eddie, thanks for your input.

Boy you guys are all far kinder than me. After asking once or twice, I'd just take him off my radar. He clearly wants nothing to do with you now for whatever reason - but that may change in the future. The more you pressure him, the harder it will be for him to show up down the road if/when he wants to reestablish contact. It sounds like you've been barraging him with pleas for contact. I'd say stop that immediately!

I love the book, "The Four Agreements." One of the agreements is, "Don't take anything personally." He goes on to say, "Nothing others do is because of you. What others do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream." Another agreement is: "Don't make assumptions." Everyone here is assuming/imagining what is going on with your brother. No one knows but your brother. So let him live his life as he wants and you go about your own life doing what you need to do to stay healthy and happy. As JeanneGibbs says, get some respite care for yourself.

It's a tough lesson for your daughter to learn, but she'll be OK. People in life disappoint us, it's just a part of life. And sometimes family really let us down. But we just pull those who stay even closer into our sphere of love.

Cool! What are the other two, Blannie? - are they as useful?

After reading everyone's posts, I am pretty convinced I hit "burn out". I have never felt like this and need to come to an understanding of everything. Everything just progressed so quickly and I have been doubting myself with having to make decisions on my own. I want to thank everyone for all their input, it's taken and accepted much easier coming a caregiver. I was grasping at anything or anyone for help. Time to slow it all down and take a deep breath.

I'm not sure I get what you're saying about his borrowing all her money.

The other two agreements are: 1. Be impeccable with your word and 4. Always do your best.

The inside flap on the book has the four agreements listed with a paragraph about each. I think they're really valuable when you think about it. What would the world be like if we made no assumptions and took nothing personally?

When I think about my life, it would ease a lot of the stress and burden because I'm always getting upset about how others do things. Do I manage to live this way most of the time? No, LOL, but it's a good reminder!

I set up a badminton event last night and there were two no-shows (grrrrr) and one woman was super competitive in her play, which upset me because two women were total beginners. If I didn't take it personally and knew it was about them and not me, I wouldn't have gotten so cranky about it. :)

Maybe your brother is just selfish. As long as everything is going his way and nothing is required of him, he is fine. I don't know him but his behavior is very strange and you seem to be very much in need for his companionship and/or approval. You just don't treat those you love the way your brother is treating you and you family. If he has issues with being around your mother in her declining years, man it up and discuss the problem with you.

I agree with Jeanne about moving forward as if you are an only child. I know many kind men who cared for their parent/parents and I know many who ran. The runners always had a history of selfishness. Take a good hard look at your brother. Let me know if I have been too harsh. I don't mean to be. :)

I think part of the answer is in your statement about him having done his duty caring for your niece/his daughter. And now "it's his time to live". Sounds like he feels he's done his familial caregiving, raising his child, and is done.

And I too, think the new girlfriend comes into play here - I've seen a couple cousins pull away from family because of the new lady in their lives.

Your brother is very manipulative. He would take money from his mother but not care for her. He knows you are begging for his attention. Take a really hard look at this "loving" man. Get some professional advice about your relationship. He sounds as if he is manipulating your entire family. Is he worth it?

This refusal to acknowledge anything or communicate is pure guilt, or avoidance of guilt. He knows he has done wrong. Not that it gives you any kind of answer that helps you deal with him if he would rather not deal...