Why sibling has isolated from the whole family?

You definitely need time for you and hubby and daughter to "just be together" as a family. And also you and hubby need "couple time." And I'd guess that you really need more than 4 hours respite per month.

So the first thing to do is to arrange that. Do what you'd need to do if you were an only child. Rely on paid in-home care. Get Mom into an adult day care program. Find out about volunteer groups who will "granny sit" for a few hours at a time. You NEED respite. Arrange to get it.

Next, you want a continued connection to your brother. I can't tell you why he can't even devote 4 hours a month to Mom's care, but apparently he can't. And I suspect that is an emotional can't -- not a practical can't. So think up some solutions to achieve that. You and brother catch a quick coffee break while a volunteer is at your house with Mom. You, hubby, daughter meet Brother and GF at a restaurant, where no one has to work at the meal.

You need help, and here I am adding more things to your to-do list. Arrange regular respite. Continue contact with your brother. I am sorry about that. I remember how frustrated I got when people just kept giving me more suggestions of things I had to do. But even though I know first-hand the frustration, the fact is, if it is to be, it's up to you to work it out.

Good luck, and please let us know what you try and how it works for you. We learn from each other.

I believe some people want to remember their parents or siblings the way they were.... younger, clear mind, full of energy. They are afraid of seeing the way they are now. My Mom was like that about her own sisters.

im a guy and can tell you that we avoid situations that might become emotionally boo hoo - ish . i dont think its totally because of the way that society has programmed us but also on a battlefield or any other fight or flight situation , an emotional collapse from someone would be a detriment to the task at hand and its outcome . to be fair , knock 10 points off from us gentlemen for our own emotional immaturity too . brother thinks your family has " got " the caregiving handled but if and when he becomes involved hed probably do a fine job . for now hes avoiding the whole disturbing scenario . he'll come around .
send him an email ; " hey f*ckhead , spend some time with your niece , were busy caring for mom and niece needs an evening away " . itll draw him closer to the fray while in his male dumbassed mind he thinks hes grabbing what he loves and getting further distanced .

Wow! You are all making so much sense...there is obviously something going on and even though we used to share all our secrets, I can't hold it against him. Funny thing happened today, my niece who never really calls cause she is I'm college and doing her thing, I am so proud of her. Well, she called me today. She kept mentioning that she talked to her dad earlier, as if he had her call to get a feel for things. I didn't say a word because this has nothing to do with her. I made the call all about her. After 2 years of him being able to disconnect, you would think I am over it. With the help from all of you, I am getting there. Just went for a long walk, forced myself to. I was headed down a dark and dreary road but I have to fight it. I believe I am having panic attacks where I have to take deep breaths at times. I don't know what made me join this group but as soon as I can get myself together a bit more I hope I can contribute some positive happenings.

You won't believe this, but none of that has happened. We grew up in very loving family oriented home. Have been through many deaths, nothing due to trauma, just peaceful end of life partings. No abuse, we lived within our means but always seemed to get what we wanted. Dad worked, mom stayed home and had dinner ready every day, house always clean and cozy. Yearly family vacations. He works in tool and dye shop (corporation). Stable job for many years,his girlfriend is an RN that works in a nursing home and they are always with her family. To me she seems very nice, but hasn't been over since Easter. I wonder if she wonders why. I rarely call him, and if I do it's because I want to keep him in the loop of moms health. So maybe you can feel a bit of my frustration and confusion. I know I can't make him want to be part of my life or moms and dgtr. I have started to let go of the huge "why?" I am very grateful I have a supportive husband who has taken over the little errands my brother used to help with. My husband doesn't say a word....just goes with the flow. I have started to plan a weekend away with him, lord knows I have neglected that part of my life and I expressed to him recently that I am very aware of it and will put more of any focus/energy I have left, on us. Bless my daughter for her patience at 13 years old. She did ask if she could call her uncle in case he missed her call, I told her when I talk to him I will ask. (Wink wink). I am thankful my husbands family is involved in her life. Took mom to get her hair done today and then for coney and fries. Going to give bingo a shot this weekend. It will be good for her and I and for hubby and dgtr to have home alone time.

Sons have a very very hard time seeing their mothers in decline. Three generations in one house can be chaotic for visitors. Your daughter should watch mom so you and husband can have some time for yourselves. Go see your brother and his girlfriend at their place, or meet for dinner. Keep the conversation as light as possible, avoid discussing sad subjects. It will be good for all of you. For one night, just leave it all behind.

How sad! It is possible that this has nothing to do with your mother or even with you. Your brother may be struggling with something in his own life at this time, something he wishes to keep private.

I also think as Jeanne does. Maybe it is something in brother's life that is not going well. Could be his relationship or his job or just about anything. Men just do not usually like to talk about things that bother them.

Boy you guys are all far kinder than me. After asking once or twice, I'd just take him off my radar. He clearly wants nothing to do with you now for whatever reason - but that may change in the future. The more you pressure him, the harder it will be for him to show up down the road if/when he wants to reestablish contact. It sounds like you've been barraging him with pleas for contact. I'd say stop that immediately!

I love the book, "The Four Agreements." One of the agreements is, "Don't take anything personally." He goes on to say, "Nothing others do is because of you. What others do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream." Another agreement is: "Don't make assumptions." Everyone here is assuming/imagining what is going on with your brother. No one knows but your brother. So let him live his life as he wants and you go about your own life doing what you need to do to stay healthy and happy. As JeanneGibbs says, get some respite care for yourself.

It's a tough lesson for your daughter to learn, but she'll be OK. People in life disappoint us, it's just a part of life. And sometimes family really let us down. But we just pull those who stay even closer into our sphere of love.

I'd imagine he feels guilty.

May I put a little different spin on this? Even if he did "help," his idea (and his new gal's) might be very different from what you imagine. You're thinking, "If he'd only...." If he were in with both feet, he STILL might not "if only he'd..."

From what I read on here, siblings can make caregiving even more of a nightmare than it is. Making decisions by committee is very difficult, in my opinion. I cared for mom as an only child. No recriminations from siblings, no committee disagreements, no help. But SHE had saved for a rainy day. So I got my respite with the money she'd saved.

I understand it's not ALL about his not helping, but more about: "What the HELL is wrong with you???" Accept that you can't know that until and unless he's ready to tell you. "Mom, he must have something going on in his life right now. He loves you...just can't deal right now." That's what I'd tell my mom, I think.

And in the meantime? I'd invite him and his girl to every 'doings' and ignore that he doesn't respond or show up. Olive branches often build into powerful trees. "We hope you and Missy will come to Thanksgiving dinner with us. 2:00. We love you and miss you in our lives." Period. Then Christmas. Then birthdays, Then...whatever.

In the meantime, appreciate the autonomy you DO have taking care of mom. It could be, believe me, much worse.