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What a pity about your daughter's softball season. That's so sad. I hope she takes your good advice about it to heart and really does get that it's nothing she's done, poor love. Hope her team wins :)
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Why haven't i posted here sooner?? Jessie, I think you are right about some type of conflict. Maybe I am wrong....when dad passed away, I am the one that took mom in. Nobody asked me to. The years have been filled with nothing but good family times (including my brother). When things took a turn for the worst everything changed. My first instinct if the roles were reversed would be to step it up and do what I could to help. But the extreme opposite happened. I offered to take mom in so his thoughts may be "she offered". I'm not upset he doesn't help at all. I'm confused because I have told him I am sorry for asking and none of that matters, we get one family and nobody will love you like your family. CAPTAIN, thanks for giving me a male perspective, I have thought before exactly what you stated. He knows that mom is well taken care of and hopefully feels good about that.
I have one more question... Today is my dgtrs last playoff softball game, for the first time in a long time she called him on her own yesterday without telling me til this morning. She said she left a mssg but he never called back. She said she left the time and place if the game. She said "mom, uncle ........has had 24 games to choose to come to since May and he hasn't saw me play once". I used to say he was working, now I simply tell it has nothing to do with her at all and things will work itself out. She is very mature for her age and just said "ok". One thing I left out, the first time I asked for a few hours of help, he emailed me that he did his part in life by raising my niece, (her mom bipolar), I was the mom and took good care of her with him. But he said he met someone he likes and this is his time to live and he does not feel bad about it. I got off track, last night I was thinking if he can't take 15 minutes out of his day to make an appearance and make her day, well I am washing my hands of all of this. I am so sorry for going in like this, but this is the first time in years I have talked about any of this. I will be very hurt for my dgtr if he doesn't show, but why wily I be surprised? I just get so mad when it comes to him ignoring her. She has nothing to do with anything. I have texted him that there would be no talking about anything, just about my dgtr. I am a very easy going person and he knows that. He could call me now and say let's get that lunch you have been wanting and I would put it all to rest. ARGH, I get my mind racing and pray all the time to stop it. Understand that I am reminded constantly throughout the day by mom with dementia how she feels she has no son, 5 minutes later the same statement. So it's difficult to let something go when it's all that is talked about due to memory loss. Baileys in my coffee maybe???? JK. Thank you everyone for for very insightful words, maybe after I continue to share and learn about your challenges, I can figure a few things out.
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I can't see the new girlfriend as a complete coincidence. If she's very family oriented, it could be that she's very oriented... to her own family! On top of which, in a couple it tends to be the female half who controls the diary. I'm sure that can't be the whole story but I wouldn't be surprised if it's a decisive factor.

Jeanne's right: it should be possible to arrange respite breaks regardless of whether or not your brother wants to participate. Apart from anything else, that would also free you to follow Pam's advice to get together socially with brother and new g/f and pick things up again. The bit about poor men finding it so hard boo-boo I have less sympathy with; but never mind that - no reason why you should lose a relationship you value just because of one situation you're out of synch. about.
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I would add that both siblings and Mom's sister prefer to not get involved. Aunt and one sis blame their lackidaisical attitude on me which makes it very easy for them to remain uninvolved. Everyone else in the family thinks that my Mom should be placed; that would relieve their guilt, now wouldn't it? My Mom has a guardian that has determined the best place for my Mom is right here, in her home of 50 years, with me as her caregiver, and with her husband a high school beau that she married eight years ago.
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im a guy and can tell you that we avoid situations that might become emotionally boo hoo - ish . i dont think its totally because of the way that society has programmed us but also on a battlefield or any other fight or flight situation , an emotional collapse from someone would be a detriment to the task at hand and its outcome . to be fair , knock 10 points off from us gentlemen for our own emotional immaturity too . brother thinks your family has " got " the caregiving handled but if and when he becomes involved hed probably do a fine job . for now hes avoiding the whole disturbing scenario . he'll come around .
send him an email ; " hey f*ckhead , spend some time with your niece , were busy caring for mom and niece needs an evening away " . itll draw him closer to the fray while in his male dumbassed mind he thinks hes grabbing what he loves and getting further distanced .
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I also think as Jeanne does. Maybe it is something in brother's life that is not going well. Could be his relationship or his job or just about anything. Men just do not usually like to talk about things that bother them.
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From what you wrote, it seems like your brother feels there is some family conflict going on. Was there an argument in the past that could have created such avoidance? Or do you think he is trying to avoid any involvement that he thinks may come if he interacts with you and the family?

It may not be anything that you've done. My little brother has limited contact with us, though he is one of my mother's golden children. He is very religious. One time I asked him to come over and maybe provide some spiritual guidance to Mom. After being there for a few minutes he was not able to really talk to her. He told me that he couldn't connect with her. I know he cares about her in his own way, he is just not socially adept and she is severely impaired cognitively, so it made him uncomfortable. So he calls her a couple of times a month, which is probably all he feels he can do.

I'm sure my brother's family would step in if asked, but they would do it with attitude. I wouldn't ask them. They have a lot going on in their own lives, so it is easier to hire people. It's a shame that one should even have to ask family. It seems like they should be close enough to know what might be needed. It isn't the way it is nowadays. The Waltons are a thing of the past when it comes to most families.
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How sad! It is possible that this has nothing to do with your mother or even with you. Your brother may be struggling with something in his own life at this time, something he wishes to keep private.
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Thank you so much for all your replies. To clear things up a bit more, he will not return anyone's calls. I have tried suggesting to get together just to have fun, but nothing. Again, my biggest hurt is why he has shut his niece out, she has asked him numerous times if he could come watch her play softball, like he used to, but no reply. I have to deal with it. But you know how it is when it comes to our kids. My mom feels like she has broken up the family, and my husband and I reassure her constantly she has brought nothing but wisdom to the family. She is the last of 10. I have left messages for my brother saying I love him and will give him space, then months go buy and nothing. He lives 2 miles away. I end up calling saying I miss him and I am not calling about anything, just to say hi, but he will not talk to me, my mom or dgtr, the knot in my stomach can't get any tighter. I don't want my mom to pass way thinking anything but good thoughts. The one thing that helps me is that I am still able to care for her in my home. We watch movies, she is safe and loved beyond words. Just a big piece of the our puzzle is missing. I am currently interviewing respite givers, I am finding myself ready to lose my mind at times, but I pray and walk and tell myself to suck it up and do what needs to be done. Wouldn't it be interesting to hear from the other side of this? I can't seem to find any discussions from them.
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I believe some people want to remember their parents or siblings the way they were.... younger, clear mind, full of energy. They are afraid of seeing the way they are now. My Mom was like that about her own sisters.
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You definitely need time for you and hubby and daughter to "just be together" as a family. And also you and hubby need "couple time." And I'd guess that you really need more than 4 hours respite per month.

So the first thing to do is to arrange that. Do what you'd need to do if you were an only child. Rely on paid in-home care. Get Mom into an adult day care program. Find out about volunteer groups who will "granny sit" for a few hours at a time. You NEED respite. Arrange to get it.

Next, you want a continued connection to your brother. I can't tell you why he can't even devote 4 hours a month to Mom's care, but apparently he can't. And I suspect that is an emotional can't -- not a practical can't. So think up some solutions to achieve that. You and brother catch a quick coffee break while a volunteer is at your house with Mom. You, hubby, daughter meet Brother and GF at a restaurant, where no one has to work at the meal.

You need help, and here I am adding more things to your to-do list. Arrange regular respite. Continue contact with your brother. I am sorry about that. I remember how frustrated I got when people just kept giving me more suggestions of things I had to do. But even though I know first-hand the frustration, the fact is, if it is to be, it's up to you to work it out.

Good luck, and please let us know what you try and how it works for you. We learn from each other.
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Sons have a very very hard time seeing their mothers in decline. Three generations in one house can be chaotic for visitors. Your daughter should watch mom so you and husband can have some time for yourselves. Go see your brother and his girlfriend at their place, or meet for dinner. Keep the conversation as light as possible, avoid discussing sad subjects. It will be good for all of you. For one night, just leave it all behind.
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