Sibling expects monetary compensation. I disagree due to circumstances.

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I am 61 and have been the only caregiver for my 93 year old mother for the past 4 years who had a stroke and congestive heart failure. I have not held an outside job during this time. I am compensated $1100 a month. Mom lives in her own place and I have mine but we live close to each other. I was recently divorced and money issues have very tight for me. I’ve already used a lot of my retirement funds to help keep myself afloat as I cannot manage on $1100 a month. Mom does gift me a little extra money as needed only to pay necessities, not to use for luxuries. Mom’s money is getting low. She did not have much to begin with. Needless to say, caring for her has been a challenge and I’ve sacrificed a lot, but her needs and comfort come before mine. I will not put her into a nursing home unless there is no other choice. She hates hospital environments and wants to remain in her own home. Even if it came to hospice, I would still rather her be home.

I have one sibling who lives nearby, married and retired. Over the last two years, he’s talked about plans to move out of state by the end of this year. He’s had very little involvement with mom’s care, only to take her to coffee once a week and drop her off back home and maybe a doctor visit once in a while. At one point he even told me “mom” was my “real” problem, I guess meaning I bore the responsibility – it was not his.

Recently mom ended up in the hospital again for three days for the third time in 3 years. I had a bad case of the flu when that happened, so my brother took care of things until he brought her home. We decided that each of us would take turns staying at mom’s place two days at a time and alternate so she wouldn’t be alone.

So the first day she was back at home he told me he “sold his house” and would be “moving by the end of August” and that he thought it would be best to put mom in a home now so that I could get back to work full time to save myself financially. Then two days later he asked me what I thought about having mom go live with him and his wife. I asked why he would ask that when he just told me he sold his house and was moving by the end of August. He gave no answer. So I just told him to ask mom if she wanted to live with him. He now says she agreed to it. Mom gets $900 social security. She lives in a small older mobile home, owns it free and clear and pays a space rent of $620 month. Renting is not allowed – only owner occupied. So the space rent needs to be paid regardless of anyone living there - out of her SS, while it sits in limbo. Additionally, she has no prepaid or prearranged burial plans, so that will also be an undetermined future expense.

So now he tells me he wants to take her to his place later this week to live and has told me he will expect monetary compensation of at least $500 a month. I already have overhead expenses of my own right now of $3000+ a month without alimony, equity, a job, and very little savings left to make it much longer.

I am not thinking clearly and I’m not sure what to make of all this. When I ask him who will care for mom when he and his wife go out, he says “he’ll figure something out” yet he says “he’s thought everything through”. I am perturbed that he would ask for money at this point in time and also has no answer when asked about moving to another state or any other question I ask. His only concern seems to be moving mom all of a sudden which is quite unusual for him. He clearly knows my dire financial situation at this point in time but his seems to render himself as a victim. And I’m also wondering if he has my mother’s best interest in mind, or his. I’m hoping someone can pick up on what I wrote and give me a little clarity because I could sure use it!

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Why is the dementia patient driving the bus?

You are going to tell me that your kother hasn't been diagnosed with dementia, but she's had a stroke, yes? She's lost her ability to think critically. She sounds like a 4 year old...she believes whatever she hears at the time.

You are not obligated to ruin your future to keep her in her home. You and your brother should find her the right level of care and get her qualified for Medicaid.
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I have financial problems right now due the house buyout during divorce and the cost of refinance and increased monthly payments. Mom does not want to live anywhere else other than her own home. She does not want to move in with my brother. She told me my brother had told her that I had "abandoned" her while she was in the hospital for three days, and that "I didn't care anymore". The fact is I had a bad case of the flu and couldn't get out of bed to get to the hospital, but because I rarely ever get sick and am usually the dependable one who is "always there" to take care of matters, mom believed him that I didn't care anymore and she told me he did not really believe I was sick, but using instead just did not want to bother with her anymore. Mom believed what he told her and said she felt she had no other choice but to go along with whatever he says. My gut feeling says he wants to put her in a nursing home so he can move out of state and not have to worry about being bothered anymore. Regardless of what I say, he is determined to take her three days from now. She is worried because she does not quite comprehend what's happening or why she is being tugged all which ways when all she wants to do is stay home. Brother did not want anything to do with her care in the past, and I am very concerned about what he is really trying to do.
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pmsmith, determine how much time you can/are willing to spend with Mother and inform your family that starting in two weeks that is what you will contribute. The others can either fill in the gaps or, more sensibly, hire someone for days. You can't force the POA decision, but you can certainly decide what works for you. The present situation does not.
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We have a 98 year old mother, who can't live at home by herself. 4 of her children are taken turns spending the night and days with her. Our older sister has the POA on her, but she is not easy to get along with. She is not willing to get some one to help sit with our mother doing the days. That way we can just take turns at night. Right now I am spending 45 hrs. per day, and I work part-time 22.5 hrs. I am slowly getting burned out. The other sister's do not work, therefore, I feel that I should have less time. Do any one have any solutions.
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You and your brother, and perhaps his wife, need to talk seriously about this. BUT first, I think, before you clean out the trailer and put it up for sale, have a trial run with Mom at brother's. Does she like it there? Do he and SIL still want to do this after they've given it a trial?

And why on earth hasn't she applied for Medicaid?
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Well, obviously the situation couldn't go on the way it was if your mother was running low on money. When whatever she still had in savings was gone, you and she both would be up the creek, wouldn't you? Your brother has suggested two ways to help both you and your mother: place her in a nursing facility or move her in with him, either way allowing you to get a job and get your own economic future back under control. Maybe what you could discuss with him is how to handle the transition. Of course he should be compensated if she moves in with him, because his utilities, food costs, etc., will increase. But perhaps it would be reasonable for you to receive some compensation for a couple of months if you could pack up and dispose of her household goods and the trailer while you looked for work. The two of you need to talk seriously and openly about this. Good luck.
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I think that whomever your mom lives with should be compensated for expenses.
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Why do you think that you should recieve compensation for caring for your mom, but your brother shouldn't?

Why have you brought yourself to the brink of financial ruin in order to keep your mom at home? Why haven't you applied for Medicaid for her so that you can get some paid help at home while you work?

Nursing homes are often not "hospital like". Have you looked at any?
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