Three of us want Mom to visit assisted and/or skilled nursing facilities to choose one for the future. One sister wants us to sit mom down in front of us and ask her "what do you prefer, a nursing home or living with your daughter?" Mom is declining in mental awareness and has memory issues. The sister in question has exhibited very poor judgement with terrible money management. We think she is just wanting to cash in on mom. She now wants to hire an attorney to represent her. What is the best way to resolve this?
But I guess your first line of defense is to make sure you or one of your other well intended sisters has POA over mom if you do not already. You may have to go as far as to have your mom declared legally incompetent if this sister does go the lawyer route, so that way any scheme this other sister may try to involve your mom in isn't worth the paper it's written on. But be prepared to spend a lot of money to do that if it gets to that point.
Does mom WANT to live in assisted living or does she prefer living with the daughter? Do any of you know the cost of assisted living? Does the sister think that if she takes mom she gets paid the same fee as assisted living?
Get these questions answered and then break it all down for mom. If mom still picks living with the sister.....which may or may not be the best thing, I would try to get mom to let someone else hold the main purse strings.
From what I can tell if she lived with your sister and your sister spent her money in a way that obviously wasn't on mom and then she needs medicaid as she gets worse, then your sister would have to worry about the five year look back from medicaid.
If you want to go this route, choose an independent mediator that everyone is happy with. You can all present your opinions, then, hopefully, the mediator can come up with a good solution.
Just from what you have written, your Mom is going to need more skilled help soon, and the most experienced caregiver in our forum will tell you that you cannot do it alone at home.
If he talks about his past job (he was a auto mechanic) he seems ok and can function pretty well. But he's starting to ask me the same thing over and over. And, he thinks it's ok to use a rag to clean himself because he can't reach back well enough to use toilet paper. He washes out the rag, and hangs it on the towel rack to dry. (and it still smells of poo of course) The towel rack is right on the side of the vanity sink. And, of course we breathe the air in there when we use the bathroom after him. There is only one bathroom, it's a very old house ugh.
Is this mental decline? He did this before we moved in with him 18 months ago. But he doesn't understand it's not good to do when other people live in the same house and use the same bathroom. I never see him wash his hands, he knows nothing about germs and when I try to explain, it's "thats how I always done it and I'm still here" ahhhhhhh!!
Just thought I'd ask other people's opinions. Also, can he be tested by his family doctor for Alzheimer's without his knowledge, we don't want him to think we are trying to put him in a NH which is what he would think.
Don't be afraid to confront her about her underlying motives(s). In our litigious American society, however, what comes out of your mouth isn't as important as what you can prove. Can you prove her poor judgement in money matters?
Mom's mental health might be declining, but decisions that'll fundamentally impact her life shouldn't be made without her.
If your sister is greedy enough to sue and the court decides Mom is better off with her, ask her what she plans to do when all the money is gone. Try to dump Mom by flipping the script and sending you two on a one-way guilt trip?
Take the $ out of the equation, and I'll bet you'll come up with a Sister Act that actually benefits your Mom. Good luck.
2) Also, if we believe at all in democracy, she is outvoted.
3) Your mother is not in a position to make this important decision and it is cruel to make her choose on the spot. (your sister may be coaching her)
During this time in life, we need to make the BEST choices for our parent's care and safety. I do not think your sister's home is the best solution.
I think your other sisters and you just need to charge ahead and make arrangements for her care. Tell the other sis that it would be wonderful if she would visit her Mom at the ALF as often as possible (doubt you will see her - but at least your assumptions are corrct).
Do not get bullied by this person. Worse yet, do not let her get her sticky fingers on your Mom's assets...she will need them in the future.
I don't think your sister has a legal leg to stand on. I hope it does not come to this. It is expensive and exhaustive...and all the money goes to the attorneys. You could file for legal guardianship, but that also takes a lot of time and money.
Call a meeting of the other sisters. Create a united front. And tell your sister how it's going to be. Don't let her be the squeaky wheel.
good luck...these events in life are never easy.