My 90 year-old dad is the primary caregiver to my stepmom. He only has help 2 days a week from 8-4. Dad amazes me with his care and compassion for his bride, and is heartbroken over losing her day-by-day. His character and personality is upbeat and happy but I’m worried about him, of course, and his unwillingness to look more seriously into a memory care facility (we’ve toured 2 together). Dad wants to be her caregiver, and I admire and respect him but feel it willslowly take its toll on him…protective daughter here. I have 2 stepsisters who are not stepping up to the plate in helping their mom, and our dad (they'll be married 37 years). They show when it’s convenient to them, if at all. It’s so disappointing to my dad and confuses his too…”why are they coming around?” One stepsister spends the night weekly only to show up at 8pm, watches a few tv shows then goes to bed before them. The next morning, she sleeps in, showers in my dad’s shower (which interrupts his morning schedule with his bride), and leaves without offering any help the evening of arrival, nor in the morning. Dad vents to me, and always apologizes afterwards) but I feel the conversation needs to happen between him and both stepsisters. The stress on him is unreal, as many here know, and these situations are creating MORE stress and they’re clueless. We are all in our late 50’s. All I can continue to say to them (in the most compassionate way), “Hug on your mom. She’s still here!” Then I always say, “I’d give anything to hug my mom one more time.”Thank you for reading. I’m really happy I found this forum.
Firstly you are allowing Dad to vent to you. NO! Just no.
There is NOTHING you can do about this. So you gently tell your father this:
"Dad, I so admire what you are doing and I see your grief over what's happening to your bride. Your are heroic. BUT I worry about you. You are not getting help you need. I know you have issues with Sissy. But these are something I can't control, and hearing about them is quite honestly making me quite mad at her. You know Sissy and so do I. So you have to let her know what she's doing now isn't OK with you, and is adding to your burden. OR you have to choose NOT to tell her.
If you want to talk to the sibs with me, and ask them for their help, I will be by your side as you do so. But we know them. Be ready for them to say no. And hope they will say yes.
And Dad, when you can't do this, please recognize that you can't go on. We talked about this before. We saw some lovely places and I know if the time comes it will hurt like hell. But Dad, I can't lose you, too. And I can't lose you before she goes just because you tried to do more than can humanly be done."
THAT IS IT, isn't it. Isn't that all the truth?
Both you and Dad need to let go of trying to change your other siblings, because that CANNOT BE DONE and you have no energy left for it.
Is that heartbreaking? Yes. But isn't all of this heartbreaking? And isn't everyone behaving exactly as expected.
You and Dad are there for one another. My heart goes out to you both, and please just be thankful for that one fact. But don't pretend this will change. It is unlikely to. And do continue to be there and gently express that you love them both and you understand but some things aren't sustainable, and some things can literally kill you.
As far as dad's concerned, you can only suggest he place her in Memory Care. He's probably not ready yet, or at the end of his rope, and somehow feels that to do so is to admit defeat or failure on his part. Keep reminding him it's ok to surrender, that it's not a sign of failure, but recognition that it takes a village to care for a dementia patient. When he's ready, then he'll place her. Be there for him, it's all you can do.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Dementia is a no win situation for all concerned, that's for sure. I went thru it with my mom and watched her die for 6+ long years, even though she had dementia before she was diagnosed. It's difficult to see a loved one slip away like that, and why I hate dementia with every ounce of my being.
Best of luck to you and dad.
Who is telling you the sister comes over every week and watches tv without doing anything else? I assume dad is reporting this. It may not be accurate.
And it may be time to stop trying to guilt the step sisters with passive aggressive comments about how they’ll be sorry when their mom is gone. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. Either way they hardly need you pointing out that old people die.