Sibling abandonment. What does this mean?

UGH! Don't get me started on siblings! I'm very sorry that you are the one stuck and get no help and then get blamed for even asking for help. And often the sibs will be the first to criticize what you do and how you do it. All you can control in this situation is YOU and take on only what you can and want to do. Keep asking for help and hire help (with parent's funds) if you need it.

Siblings do what they want to, and brothers in my experience rarely step up. In years of running a nursing home and skilled nursing I had little to no contact with sons. Women step up and do the works. Sons collect the inheritances the praise of the parents.

We all make our choices. I have my mom 90% of the time. My sister takes her for a few days once a month. She NEVER wanted to be a caregiver and said I was crazy for having my parents move in with me. So, it would be silly of me to expect her to do 50% of something she does NOT want to do. When I get to the point where my mom's care becomes too much, she will have to move to a facility appropriate for her needs at that time. She won't like it but, sometimes life is hard.

You can legitimately feel a lot of feelings about your siblings. You can accept it and do what you are willing to do for your parents, without comparing it to your siblings contribution. You can do what you're going to do of your own free will and be mad at your siblings. I guess it depends how badly you are hurt by this and if you can come to terms with it. Maybe you think they're all not worthy of your time anymore and that's ok. You can choose.

The problem is even if women have come a long way, they are still looked at as the caregivers. For me, it was being the oldest and a girl. Plus, the only child who lived in the same town. I often wondered where my Mom would have been if i had not been here. Who would have taken on her care? My sister passed but was far from a Caregiver. One brother (we called the golden boy and literally, he was a blond) was 8 hrs away and the baby, 30 min away. If not for wives I wonder how much they would have seen of Mom even before her Dementia. Her Dementia, not at all.

Angry, I refuse to be. Disappointed, yes. Say anything, no they are grown adults in their 50s and 60s. When we see each other its like old times. I'd like to keep it that way. If they need care will I help. Probably not since I am the oldest by 7 and 11 years. And they have families.

I too hope you have POA. Financial and Medical. Because I would not be caring for someone without it. Its a great tool when the person who assigned you is not capable of making decisions for themselves. This puts you in the driver seat when needed. You don't need to answer to anyone when it comes to revealing financial and Medical info. Your Moms representative and you handle things as she requested or you feel she would have wanted it. It gives you the ability to place her when the time comes. It gives you the ability to spend her money on her care. Like hiring an aide.

If Mom has money, then hire an aide to help you. If she doesn't, contact Medicaid and see if she qualifies for "in home" care.

Now I am "sort of" kidding here, but the best revenge is spending the inheritance on Moms care. 😊 If Mom is competent, maybe charge her rent or get paid for caring for her. A contract should be written up by a lawyer. This would be between you and Mom. Medicaid would require proof of the agreement if services ever needed.

Remember, you are the one dealing with this. You are the one it effects, no one else. If you find u can't do it, then please don't feel guilty if Mom needs to be placed. If brother does not agree, then he can do the caring.

From a purely practical standpoint, I'm hoping your are the durable PoA for your parents? If not, you will eventually find that it will be very difficult to legally manage their affairs when they no longer can. Your sibling has voted with their feet. From a practical (and realistic) standpoint this means that eventually YOU will be trying to care for TWO people with a lot of physical needs who may both develop dementia, short-term memory loss, etc. Please go into this with your eyes w-i-d-e open. If you want to see what may be in store, please go to the topic of Burnout on this forum and read what some caregivers to only 1 person are experiencing. It can sometimes be beyond physically challenging, emotionally draining and financially unsustainable, no matter what good intentions you had. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart regarding your sibling's decision to not participate.

I too was doing all of the care with no help whatsoever from only sibling.

When Mom could no longer handle her finances brother stepped in & told me how I was going to do things.

Thats when I backed off and said I’m done. You can handle everything yourself if you don’t like the way I’m doing things.

If you don’t have Medical & financial DPOA let the person who has it take care of everything. I learned the hard way!

My sibling hasn’t let me see or speak to my mom in 3 years now & took her to a lawyer to amend her trust to benefit him 100%.

Our relationship is forever gone with his actions!

I disagree with some of the posts. First off I did not agree to be the caregiver of my momma. I did not have a choice. Just because I grew up and made different choices instead of becoming an irresponsible drug addict does not mean that I automatic get the job. Nobody in my family is capable - including momma. That is why I have the job. Yes you cannot make your siblings share the responsibility but excuse me she or he is still your mother or father. There is something you can do to help. The true reason is that they are too lazy and selfish and would rather somebody else do it for them because they do not want too but than you are criticized about the way you are going about it. It's been hard but I have learned the hard way to set up boundaries and spend mommas money on her care. She can afford it. I don't have any contact with my siblings - a little with my sister but I have to keep her at arms length.

Was there an agreement between you two about sharing duties? In the end it really doesn't matter because you can't force them to help, even if they agreed to. You need to see what options and resources are available because anger at your sibling isn't going to solve the problem. There needs to be a plan and/or help brought in before there is a full blown crisis.

I understand the anger. I took my father with dementia into our guest home and a year later I developed seizures. Despite knowing this, my older sister who lives out of state does not want to take him in. She also says dad is never going to a nursing home, you have to take care of him so get off your butt. Yes...I had a lot of anger. So I blocked her calls and lost my sibling. In the meantime I’m working with my fathers doctor to try to get him help me needs. Either a caregiver or placement somewhere because I know my limitations and I just cannot be a full time caregiver. Best wishes to you on this journey.

It is not your sibling's responsibility to care for your parent.

It means that your sibling is the golden child and nobody expects anything from him (I imagine it's a 'him' and the responsibility is all falling on you and you're a 'her' b/c that's pretty much how our society works). According to your profile, your mother lives in your home; so you took her in, and now your sibling feels he's gotten off Scott free, and it's all on YOU. Right? Your sibling probably has what the others feel to be an 'important job' of some kind that gives him a free pass on having extra responsibilities heaped on him, so they're heaped on YOU instead, regardless of whether you have 2, 4 or 10 jobs yourself. It's the unfairness of it all that's the most galling, I know.

I'm an only child so everything is always on me 100% all of the time anyway, so I can't relate to sibling issues. I do have cousins though; the daughter took care of everything for her parents while one brother did a little bit, and the other brother moved across the ocean and did bubkus. Absolutely nothing for his parents at all, and the sister complained bitterly, especially since the inheritance (what was left of it) was split evenly 3 ways. In spite of only one child doing 90% of the work.

The same thing is happening with the uncle now, who's 100 and going strong, with several million dollars in the bank. The good-for-nothing brother is still doing bubkus, while the female does a bit, and the other female who only did a little bit for the mother is now doing the lion's share for the uncle. But she's the executor of the will and getting a larger share, so the others feel she SHOULD be doing more.

Ah, the problems I DON'T have thanks to being an only.

I'm sorry you are going through such an unfair situation. The best thing to do, I guess, is to steer clear of all the family politics and don't expect anything from them OR from your sibling. Then you'll never be disappointed. Your folks are fortunate to have you in their corner. Can you look into hiring some outside help to come into the home & give you a hand?

Good luck!

First you need to accept that neither of you are responsible for your parents’ care. There is no “his share of the responsibilities.”

Complaining that they exert their free will and refuse to provide care is not going to get you anywhere. They have no obligation to help at all.

And expecting your extended family to take sides is not ok.

So where does this leave you? You need help. I have not read your profile, so I do not know the situation, health and housing of your parents. But here goes. Your parents are responsible for paying for their care. No you, not your brother.

If your parents need more care, then they must look into paying helpers in their home, or moving into a care facility. It is not you, nor your brother’s job to move in with them or move them into your home.

There are almost endless stories here of siblings not helping. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, there’s absolutely no reason to argue or torture yourself over this. The fact is you can only choose what you’re willing to do to help. Your siblings are free to choose also, and if they don’t help you must accept it. Everyone gets to choose how to spend their time and lives, even when it may not seem right

First of all, I understand your frustration and I feel your pain.

I was once in your shoes. I was the one that was expected to do it all. Yes, by my parents as the only girl. Also by my siblings who rarely did anything to help me.

I was caught off guard. My mom lost her home in Hurricane Katrina, so she was essentially homeless. I don’t think I ever considered that her living with us would be temporary. I promised my dad on his death bed to always care for her.

In fact, I thought it would be easier than going back and forth to her home to care for her.

I had already done this when caring for both she and my dad. It wore me out. I was raising my daughters and trying to be an attentive wife as well. Of course, as much as I tried to do it all successfully, I was always falling short somewhere and I had absolutely no time leftover for me.

The bottom line, we can’t do it all by ourselves. We need help.

Okay, now to address the issue about siblings:

We were the ones that accepted the responsibility.

Some siblings help, some don’t. Some promise to help, then decide not to. Yes, it stinks!

Please listen to me. I made myself absolutely miserable concentrating on this and that concerning my sibs. NONE of that truly matters! They are who they are and YOU don’t have the power to change anyone. Nor did I! It took me FOREVER to figure this out. It took my husband, my daughters, this forum and a wonderful therapist to drill it into my thick skull!

So, learn from my many mistakes and take a shortcut. Forget what your siblings do or don’t do. Forget their promises or broken promises and find help ELSEWHERE, even if it means placement somewhere!

At least have your mom assessed by an organization like Council on Aging to find out exactly what her needs are.

Speak to her doctor. Ask for the phone number or email of a social worker. Tell them your situation. Ask for help.

Please reach out. My life did not change until I reached out.

Also, no matter if siblings help or not. Parents who require lots of help usually need a staff caring for them, either a facility or hospice or both.

I apologize if I was too blunt, too quickly. I do have compassion but I don’t want to see you waste as much time as I did.

You may be headed for burn out. Trust me, I know how it feels. I was there too.

My mom is now in a hospice house with end stage Parkinson’s disease.

My brother did step up before she went into hospice and he couldn’t do it all either. The responsibility becomes way too much.

Take care. I wish you well as you travel this long and difficult journey.