My 87 year old mom used to be so factitious about showering and changing clothes. That has changed. She does not change her clothes and she lies about showering. She throws a tantrum when I mildly discuss this with her. She explodes out of control. She is completely capable. Right now I’m choosing my battles with her. This is minor compared to the others. Any ideas? Or hints?
I would tell my mom we were going out, which seemed to motivate her, & I would start the shower for her. Doing so had to have the feel that I was pushing her schedule ahead, i.e., like we were getting started early enough in the day that it was before she usually used to take her shower pre-disease, if that makes sense. I've never taken so many quick trips to the corner store!
Also had luck with drawing a bath for her, which may be a reversion to when she was growing up--I think a bath was more common then, and it was more likely weekly than daily.
But telling them they haven't showered, no matter how mildly, will slam on the brakes. So frustrating..I know! (I also started stealthing into her room and getting the dirty clothes into her hamper and putting out new clothes on her chair in the AM.)
Nonetheless, Mom used mainly wipes and washcloths. I was teetering on the verge of getting a bidet put on the toilet because I was worried about UTI's, but mom was moved to AL and they're doing once a week or so showers.
These videos helped me, and the comments under the videos may help too. I think sometimes you may just have to do sponge baths or wipes until they progress to a later stage where they aren't stradling memory loss, anosognosia, and still trying to lead an independent life. I really had a hard time letting this go. Mom used to take such care of herself. But, YOU cannot let yourself be driven mad fighting the disease. It's ok. Sometimes there is no good solution where they will willingly bathe, no matter what you do.
Bathing tips: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKT9YIVPREE
Bathing Tips: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iu-O2KtgMWY
5 losses: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0
Anosognosia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nw3YUDQJuY
They always showered and "allowed" their clothes, pull-ups, and diapers to be changed for me.
The reason for this is because I do not tolerate excuses, tantrums, lies, or any explosions of anger. I have literally forced seniors into bathrooms. Sometimes this is what must be done. I would tell a senior plainly that they wouldn't smell if they had showered. If a shower didn't happen (and that was rare), none if my clients left that bathroom until they were at least washed-up and changed.
Don't think for a minute that this is a minor problem. All kinds of things can happen when a person refuses to be clean. Especially a senior. Thinks like UTI's, skin infections, fungal infections, all kinds of bad things.
When it's time to get cleaned up, there will be nothing else allowed until it's done. No food, no drinks, no tv, no anything until the washing up and changing gets done.
Make it known to your mother how important being clean is and that either she permits you or an aide to help her, or the other choice is a nursing home.
Bring in an old-school CNA a few times a week who will get it done. Tell them to say that they are sent from her doctor because she is refusing to wash and he/she is concerned.
People should not take up caregiving when there is a history of abuse.
It may be time for you to start looking at memory care facilites for your mother.
No one has to keep a dirty and stinking person in their house because that person is stubborn about hygiene. Even if it's a parent. Even if they have dementia. You have caregiver burnout.
That being said, look into placement for your mother.
You do not deserve to have your life and home hijacked by anyone including your mother.
If so you might try this...
Get the shower ready, water running and her clothes, towels ready. then say "Mom, you asked me to get the shower ready, everything is all set, let me help you"
I do suggest that you make the bathroom shower safe for her.
If it is a tub/shower get a shower bench or chair. Non slip mats. Grab bars where they are needed. Remove towel bars and replace them with grab bars because they will be used as such. If there is a "glass" sliding door to the shower with those flimsy bars, get rid of the shower door and replace it with a shower curtain. (you can store the door away and replace it later if you wish)
You can hire a "Shower Aide" that will come in and help with showering/bathing. For some reason they can get people to shower when others can't.
Dementia robs people of their executive functions. She, obviously, doesn't have the ability to do all the steps needed for showering or changing clothes.
I would recommend hiring a bath aid 2xs (at least) weekly to come in and get mom showered and changed.
Best of luck, dementia is a terrible disease that robs people of the simplest abilities to care for themselves, as you are seeing.
Getting yourself educated on what could and probably will happen, will help you navigate the way forward. Believe me, this will be one of the hardest things you will ever face.