Shower/ toilet chair refusal; please help me figure this out. -

Shower/ toilet chair refusal; please help me figure this out.


My back is bad, my dad is paralyzed on right side and cannot speak due to stroke. He only says yes or no. I have a wheeled shower chair with padded toilet seat and armrests on it. He refuses it to go to showers. When I asked if it hurt him, he said no I said does it just hurt your pride, he said yes. In shower, transfers have become too much for me alone and I need some way to convince him to get into the shower chair I have available so that we can do his showers without seeming condescending or bossy or aggravated. He lacks speech but is fully understanding of what is being said. Please help me figure this out. He didn’t mind the bench in shower but it was too hard for us to do the transfers with. It’s basically the toilet seat on the shower chair that’s repulsive to him. It’s padded and comfortable, I even offered to put a towel down on top and he pushed the chair away.



If he is cognitive than tell him, Dad you need to do this for me. I am not strong enough or physically able to transfer you safely. If he refuses then tell him u will have to hire a stranger.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to JoAnn29

The only reason your father needs to use this piece of equipment is that you aren't physically able to assist him without it, yes?

The ideal solution, in that case, is to hire caregivers specifically to help your father with bathing/showering. You shouldn't have to, and you can't safely anyway, risk injury to yourself; but you don't either want your father to be made to feel more disabled than he is already having to deal with. His "pride" is, I agree, of less importance compared to your actual back; but if you can accommodate his feelings then do.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Countrymouse

Just tell him you can't do it and he will have to pay to have someone come in a couple of hours twice a week to take care of the shower.
Is dad prepared to use the chair over the toilet?
If he allows you to bathe him there is not a privacy problem. Sounds like good old male pride. Maybe you will have to pull the Nursing Home card. If you too become disabled because he won't co-operate that may become his only option. He is never going to get better and probably worse so he will just have to learn to deal with what he has. Do you think some therapy would help him see things from your point of view?
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Veronica91

There are bath wipes out there that you can use to give a person a bath without having to put them in the shower. They leave you very clean and the skin soft. I use them for myself in the winter as I hate getting into any shower when it's cold out.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to whaleyf

You didn't mention if you are female, which could be shyness. Mom is incontinent so often mornings I give her a hot water basin, soap and towels and she will wash up sitting on her commode with the basin on her eating tray. You have to be firm because there is a thin line between staying at home and living in a NH especially with the "brat syndrome" You have to realize its physically challenging being a caregiver, but to "allow" the unnecessary emotional and mental draining will put you in a nursing home before Dad. My mother often has it, but fortunately for us, she has been in a nursing home before due to double knee replacement surgery for 10 months. We finally took her out as rehab was a joke. That being said, I have something to remind her of so she will work with me. Our parents have to realize that us caregivers aren't spring chickens ourselves and as much as we try to "do the right thing" by them, their difficulties have no place in our daily routine. Bet of Luck
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to commutergirl

Could it be that your father would prefer that his child not help him with something so intimate? Some people do a lot better with a stranger/aide helping them with personal things, as they can look at them as "medical personnel" who are detached. It is very difficult to do that with a child.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to staaarrr

Hi I had the same problem with my mother. She refuses to use a potty chair a lift for transfers or home health aides. This is part of the process unfortunately. We started using diapers for her. The kind with tabs like Pampers. This became her preference from being in a nursing home where they use diapers. Was easy for them just to have their staff changed and cleaned the patients or residents instead of transferring them or assisting them to the bathroom or potty chair. Especially for residents like my mom who are stubborn, manipulative, and abusive. She was subsequently kicked out of the nursing home. And came home with the same behavior. So home health aides and I tried to get her to use potty chair at home, the toilet, we even got a lift through her insurance for transfers. She was non-compliant or refused to use all of the above. So we resorted to using diapers like the nursing home. They used tab diapers so we started with the same. But my mom with all of her behavioral issues, would take them off take them apart soil her bed throw them on the floor Etc. She would yell at the home health aides, or me and say that we didn't fix it all right this became a little game she played with us and was quite frustrating. So we switched 2 Pull-Ups for adults. These are the kind of diapers that have no tabs that can't be taken apart and they have to work to get off. In addition my mom became abusive to the a home health aides, and three agencies now refuse to send workers to our home to assist with her. I have no choice but to leave her to take care of herself during the day, which she is perfectly capable of. So take notes because they will let on as if they can't do a lot of that that they can do. This is part of the game. My mom is able to change herself with the pull-ups clean herself up because she has no choice now I'm not there to do it because I work during the day and refuse to do it at night or bedtime and I make her do it for herself and she does. Hope this helps good luck be strong don't allow yourself to be manipulated abused or bullied.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to RockiRhodes1

I had a similar problem with my 94 year old father. He would not cooperate with me when it came to showering or bathing in bed. The best thing we ever did was get a service to help us. The female CNA who comes twice a week is wonderful with him He never gives her any argument and she treats him like he's her baby. I'm convinced daddy could not get past several issues: 1. his determined independence, 2. having his daughters bathe him, 3. and his denial of the situation.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to DaughterDixie

You should have HomeHealthCare - you should be eligible - and they do handle bathing. The only problem we ran into is the "helper" was female and my father decided to manage on his own.

You can also arrange sponge baths and he can wash his privates. That is what is done in the hospital.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to RayLinStephens

Since you're unable to perform this, have some aides who perform showers.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Llamalover47

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