Do I show my mother the doctor report outlining her mental condition?

Hi,
My heart goes out to you....
I was in a very similar circumstances with my brother.
Mom (who is in stage five of Alzheimer) , I and my brother were in a constant battle till she broke her hip less then three months after fracturing her back...As luck will have it after she was in transitional care she was able to go right into the nursing home where she gets very good care. This basically took care of the problem. My brother is still living in her home but is in the process of moving out. I will be so relieved because of of him constantly getting money out of her, no matter what I did even giving her a small allowance. There is no right answer. I would strongly advised to get an elder law lawyer. The one I have has dealt with filing for Medical Assistance, and other matters pertaining to mom, her finances and of course my brother. I have found with mom when she is hell bent on something that diversion is the best remedy. Are you getting time away, I know she lives with you but I would see about getting someone to be with her even for a short bit so you and your husband can get away. Good luck, my thoughts and prayers...

I don't know if showing your mom it would help. My mom is getting dementia from PD and she can look at a piece of paper with words on it and I dont' think she can make heads or tails out of it much of the time. Words and numbers swimming on a page is what I think it looks like to her so even if your mom did comprehend it -- for how long or how it will be interpreted. My mom tends to remember or dream what she wants to believe -- not reality. Your mom sounds stubborn like mine. Mine won't listen to the drs either. But in giving her some slack I don't think mom processs all of what the dr says or forgets what isn't pleasant to hear.

I agree with sunflo2. I was in the same situation. My bro would constantly call my mom for$$. Until she was sick to her stomach receiving calls. I also refused until I was blue in the face. She went and did it on her own even after she agreed she would not. She cleaned out her account. After that I realized that can't happened again. I told her flat, when all your bills are paid then I will decide what$ should be sent. Clearly it was never enough. I made sure she did not have the statement in her home.(I started paperless banking. ) for my peace of mind. I never said no after that, I just said when I say so. I d get it done and it went on. For 6 years this bro has not contacted my mother, his mother. For whatever reasons, I am glad. She's in an NH now and aware of her environment.Always asks about her baby. It's sad. Compromising is a good thing. The medical report may not bring you satisfaction to show her. It's negative. Keep the positive in her life as much as possible. So you can sleep at night. I'm sure it's hard on you as well.
Take care of yourself.
Equinox

It may help for a few minutes to show her the med report, but then she is likely to return even more strongly to the denial. At the social worker's suggestion when my sister wanted to live on her own, I showed my sister the medical report that says clearly she has dementia and cognitive losses as well as a loss in brain volume. She quieted down for a little while. Then she focused on a small error in her medical history and said it was all wrong. You are in a VERY difficult situation. Change the subject when you can. But I believe she has a "bee in her bonnet" and is obsessed with wanting to give your brother money. If so, she won't stop focusing on this. I like the idea of letting her give him money personally out of her allowance.

How is mom going to pay for the nursing home? Is she on Medicaid or does she still have funds for private pay? If so would a dementia unit in assisted living be a more suitable option? What are your brother's circumstances that he feels entitled to her money? What sort of resources (savings, property) does she have that she thinks she has money to give away, and that he thinks she has money to give?

Hi. Here's my experience. It won't do any good to tell her or try to prove her wrong. I've been there. I was with mom when her trusted long time dr told her she had mild dementia. He prescribed aricept and namenda. When she read the info packet on the new meds she freaked out and said she didn't have ALZ etc. and stopped the meds. She went to a neurology follow up and they confirmed but she just shut down. That was almost 2 yrs ago. Her dementia has progressed but she will not listen to the dr even when he has tried to help explain. She won't even see a dr anymore for fear of this diagnosis. My point is that she may be in denial and doesn't want to lose control. Fighting or arguing will get you no where. All I can advise is "change the conversation". She may want to give brother money. Maybe say, "ok mom, let's talk about how much you want to give Timmy". Hear her out. Then say, how about we compromise mom. You want to be sure you preserve your assets in your retirement, so how about we give Tim $100/mo for now and see how that goes?" See what she says or if she'll agree. You could consider increasing her allowance and then let her give him what she wants out of that.

I don't think she will accept anything you show her in black and white. The guardianship proceedings are likely to make matters worse emotionally between you as she will feel you are taking total control where she will have little to no input. And then you will place her in nh. This will be upsetting for her. I'm not sure about the legal ramifications but you can check with your attorney to make sure you will have both financial and medical guardianship. If she is relatively coherent and capable, the court could assign a separate guardian for her finances especially if mom says she wants brother to have some control. Not to scare you, just be aware that these legal proceedings can turn messy.