Should you tell an Alzheimer's patient that you are moving them into a nursing facility?

I am moving my husband who suffers with dementia, into a Memory Care facility next week. He has been going to an adult daycare facility for the past few months - when I talk about that, I call it Senior Care. I have told him that I will be moving him to a new Senior Care place that is bigger and brighter and has more activities and he will be having physical therapy for his balance issues. I told him that he will have his own room with his own bathroom and I will visit him every day at 4:00. Don't use the words "nursing home". Yesterday, I told him it was a Senior Care/Rehab/Resort.

You are doing the right thing. Why or how could that possibly be disrespectful or immoral?

Don’t talk about her leaving where she lives presently until you’re in the car headed there.

When you arrive ask if someone can come out to meet you. When you get to her room, hugs and “I love you” from everyone, then “Goodbye, I’ll see you soon”.

Then leave. Hopefully someone will have briefed you about how long you should stay away before your first visit.

My mother’s life was lonely after my dad died, and upon entering the SNF where she lived after a badly broken hip, she bloomed to enjoy 5 1/2 delightful years before her death at 95.

May your sweet mother’s new life be the same.

You don’t have to tell her that she’s going to a nursing home but explain that she going somewhere to get stronger or better or whatever. If she becomes agitated or questions where she is, it helps to use diversion by asking her a question or changing the subject. My mom is in a memory unit with dementia. She wants to go home and will never be able to. At this point, I tell her whatever will pacify her. Her peace of mind is worth more than her knowing all the details that might upset her.

Given the circumstances, I don't think you should tell her. If you're comfortable with the facility you've chosen, then allow them to care for her and follow their suggestions. They may ask you to stay away for a week, while she adjusts to her new surroundings. When I brought my mother home to live with me, she kept asking, "Why am I here? " I told her it was so that she would be safe and well cared for. If your mother wants to know why she's there - tell her something similar and make sure she knows that you love her. This is so hard - sending you hugs and prayers that this will be an easy transition for both of you. 🤍

Don't tell her. This is merciful. Often on this forum the question arises of whether a caregiving adult child should tell and re-tell their parent that their spouse is no longer alive, every time they ask. No, there is no point in having the experience the emotional distress over and over. So it is perfectly moral to do what is merciful, which is tell them a "therapeutic fib". Refer to her new residence as her apartment. The staff will be happy to play along and does this all the time for others. May you receive peace in your heart.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and caring responses. I am so grateful for this forum. Caring for my mother has been the hardest thing I've ever done and YOU helped me through it. She is leaving my house but not my life. God bless all you incredible souls who give so much of yourselves.
-Burnoutgirl

if the facility will allow it perhaps you could do what was often suggested here pre COVID for moving your elder. Since her short term memory is often fleeting maybe you or your sister. Outdoor take her out to lunch while the other one moved some of her special “things” and or furniture and set up her space to look as much like the one she’s leaving as possible. “Remind” her at lunch that the house or her room is being worked on for a few days so things will be slightly different during that time. Don’t make a big deal of it, it was expected after all but give it a shop prepping her for why going home is different. You aren’t lying when you tell her she’s “home” this is her home now and you have a response for why it looks like a different (or is) place. When you arrive at her room there her things will be along with your sister. Again I would act as if it’s all normal, not a special adjustment or sad and if both of you are doing that along with her things being around (family photos are often helpful) she may not notice the difference as much and adapt more quickly. I do think that like young children who depend on us or elders who often feel as dependent (wether they admit it or not) take emotional cues from us so when we are nervous or anxious about wether or not they will accept something or trying to make everything good, acting differently, they instinctively feel anxious and fearful of whatever is causing us to feel that way. I know I didn’t explain that well but hope it’s making enough sense to get the picture. Only things I can think of to offer. It’s a tough decision I know but it’s the right one, you and your sister have made it together and committed, Mom will be safe and cared for, you are doing what is best for her rite now.

I would not even make up a story about visiting a friend. Get her dressed and ready and just explain things as they are happening. "You're sweater is in the closet, mom " while she watches you hang it up. "Miss Eleanor (nurse or aide on duty) will help you turn on the tv.". "I love you. I'll see you soon. "

Tell her the truth. My cousin was dropperd off at a nursing home and told by her daughter she will be right back. She waited and no return for about two weeks. Cousin at the nursing home was so upset and daughter decided to end the relationship until when she was on her death bed. Very sad story. She was a good mother and deserved better. I tell my mother the truth about everything. She might remember for a short time but I reinfore it as needed.

We moved my mother to memory care when she developed shingles that we couldn't manage at home. I told her it was like a cross between a hotel and a hospital. She seemed to like that description. No mention of the intention for it to be a permanent move. She has adjusted well, and is quite content now.