If you have POA for both, and can get them both declared incompetent, you can place them in an AL or LTC. I would also ask Adult Protective Services to do a well check and right up a report on what they find. Explain that you need to get them into an AL and need documentation to back up ur decision.
My parents taught me to never force anything because it might break. You only force something when you have no alternative and it’s yours to break. Even then I figure that I just haven’t exhausted all possibilities ... So to put should and force in the same sentence wouldn’t work for me. Force implies against their will. Your parents are free to make their own decisions even if they are bad ones. What often happens is we are like Lucille Ball at the chocolate factory....the chores come faster than we can do them...only it isn’t funny. Maybe a long long time after they are over we can laugh. Even Lucy usually did a good deal of crying in her escapades. It is very difficult to unring the bell. If they have become dependent on your free services they will be harder to convince that they need outside help. So you may have to let them see for themselves. That usually works better than anything you say. Yet you have to discuss this with them first and give them notice that you are going to have to make changes in your own life that will affect them. Let them know what you are willing to do but don’t over commit. Go over the ADLs with them. Tell them what alternatives you know about. Perhaps the Area Agency on Aging can come out and do an assessment so that it isn’t just your idea. Parents usually see their adult children as “the kids”. So don’t be surprised if they don’t believe you. And most of all don’t “force” yourself to do what you can’t do without breaking. It takes a long time to get over having pushed yourself too far.
When I say force I mean I don’t know how to get them the care they need. Mom is so angry and fires help because they won’t let her drive she has not driven a car in 5 years since her stroke left sided weakness and poor memory incontinance can not cook clean or take her meds. I love them I am pOA have seemed out every resource in our community. I want them to stay in there home but they need assistance
Unless you have POA & the person can’t make reasonable decisions, or guardianship, you can’t force them to do anything. I had to finally just step back & more or less let my mom “self destruct”. It sounds horrible, but I simply couldn’t run her house, care for her & then run my own house & take care of my children & husband.
Thank you I live an hour away work and babysit my Granddaughter. It’s been a long five years I have POA but have been trying to keep them in their own home but they fire all good help
I see from your profile that you are "caring for my mother Lois, who is 84 years old, living at home with age-related decline."
Only by setting and enforcing healthy boundaries for yourself can you start the conversation with your parents about assisted living. If you run over to your parents every time they call you for help, they will never even consider moving.
You can help your parents by sitting down with them and helping them assess their finances and establishing a budget.
You can help your parents by getting them a consult with an elder law attorney in order to get their paperwork - POA, living will/advance directive, wills - in order.
You can help your parents by helping them make their home safer to live in. Remove area rugs. Remove wobbly furniture. Remove clutter. Install grab bars in the bathroom. Get a raised toilet. Get a shower chair. There are people who do that for a living.
You can do all those things and lots more once you establish healthy boundaries with them. You cannot force them to do anything and they cannot force you! Caregiving must work for all involved.
I have Poa do all the finances and have a wonderful care taker 5 days a week. Mom had stroke 5 years ago and and 6 months ago I got this wonderful helper. I live an hour away work and take care of my Granddaughter one day a week. They keep trying to drive and when help wasn’t there they were sleeping on a wet bed with towels over it . Mom is on blood thinners and the cat was licking the bloody bed sheets rotting food in frig. Moms dirty diapers on the floor. It was heart breaking. Now mom wants to fort the girl because she won’t let her drive cardiologists said no way. She has become angry and defiant. I want to keep them in their home but they want to fire any help and keep getting in trouble. Police came today because Mom called car dealer 6 times looking for car keys. I am beyond exhausted and have seemed out all resources but you can’t force help when they refuse it. Do not know what to do
How do you plan on "forcing" them. In your profile you say your mom has "age related decline" has she been diagnosed with dementia? If she and your dad are competent you can not "force" them to do anything. You can discuss. You can explain to your dad that "mom will need more help and I think it would be easier in Assisted Living. And you would not have a lot of expenses you now have like Mowing the lawn, electric bill, gas bill, garbage pick up, taxes....so it would save you money." But if he/they are not willing unless you have them declared incompetent you have no say in where they live. You can tell them that you will not be available to do...whatever they need done at all times. You can tell them that you will give them 1 day a week. Stick to that when they call and ask for something to be done say..."Ok my next day there is Saturday we can do it then, I will see you in 3 days" If you do have them declared incompetent you become their Guardian,,not an easy task,,and at that point you can "force" them to move.
So no I do not think you should "force" anyone to move. If it is a matter of safety though for me safety trumps all and the move would have to be made.
Dad has Dementia and Alzheimer’s he is sweet and happy Mom had stroke 5 years ago. I have a great helper. But they fired her. I have safety prodded hous but they can’t cook clean or remember to take meds. When I say force I mean that they are in a dangerous situation every day by calling car dealer for keys police came online shopping on bad sites not taking medications showering dog per all over floor I love an hour away and work do all the bills order the food and it’s not enough I get about 25 calls a day don’t know where to turn everyone says the same advice and I have done all that I have POA but it breaks my heart to put them in assisted living when they love their home but they fire everyone and I can’t be there everyday
Laura, unless you are your parents' guardian, it's difficult, legally, to force them to do anything, especially move.
Are your parents opposed to moving where they will no longer have to do housework, yard work, cooking, cleaning? Are they more suited for jndependent Living or Asisted Living?
Have you tried stepping back from providing assistance? If you are providing help for free, there's no reason for them to move, or to pay.
Have you had your mom tested for a UTI? That could be why her behavior has escalated.
So to put should and force in the same sentence wouldn’t work for me.
Force implies against their will.
Your parents are free to make their own decisions even if they are bad ones.
What often happens is we are like Lucille Ball at the chocolate factory....the chores come faster than we can do them...only it isn’t funny. Maybe a long long time after they are over we can laugh. Even Lucy usually did a good deal of crying in her escapades.
It is very difficult to unring the bell. If they have become dependent on your free services they will be harder to convince that they need outside help. So you may have to let them see for themselves. That usually works better than anything you say.
Yet you have to discuss this with them first and give them notice that you are going to have to make changes in your own life that will affect them.
Let them know what you are willing to do but don’t over commit.
Go over the ADLs with them. Tell them what alternatives you know about. Perhaps the Area Agency on Aging can come out and do an assessment so that it isn’t just your idea. Parents usually see their adult children as “the kids”. So don’t be surprised if they don’t believe you.
And most of all don’t “force” yourself to do what you can’t do without breaking. It takes a long time to get over having pushed yourself too far.
Only by setting and enforcing healthy boundaries for yourself can you start the conversation with your parents about assisted living. If you run over to your parents every time they call you for help, they will never even consider moving.
You can help your parents by sitting down with them and helping them assess their finances and establishing a budget.
You can help your parents by getting them a consult with an elder law attorney in order to get their paperwork - POA, living will/advance directive, wills - in order.
You can help your parents by helping them make their home safer to live in. Remove area rugs. Remove wobbly furniture. Remove clutter. Install grab bars in the bathroom. Get a raised toilet. Get a shower chair. There are people who do that for a living.
You can do all those things and lots more once you establish healthy boundaries with them. You cannot force them to do anything and they cannot force you! Caregiving must work for all involved.
In your profile you say your mom has "age related decline" has she been diagnosed with dementia?
If she and your dad are competent you can not "force" them to do anything.
You can discuss.
You can explain to your dad that "mom will need more help and I think it would be easier in Assisted Living. And you would not have a lot of expenses you now have like Mowing the lawn, electric bill, gas bill, garbage pick up, taxes....so it would save you money." But if he/they are not willing unless you have them declared incompetent you have no say in where they live. You can tell them that you will not be available to do...whatever they need done at all times. You can tell them that you will give them 1 day a week. Stick to that when they call and ask for something to be done say..."Ok my next day there is Saturday we can do it then, I will see you in 3 days"
If you do have them declared incompetent you become their Guardian,,not an easy task,,and at that point you can "force" them to move.
So no I do not think you should "force" anyone to move.
If it is a matter of safety though for me safety trumps all and the move would have to be made.
Are your parents opposed to moving where they will no longer have to do housework, yard work, cooking, cleaning? Are they more suited for jndependent Living or Asisted Living?
Have you tried stepping back from providing assistance? If you are providing help for free, there's no reason for them to move, or to pay.