Should we tell Mom that my brother has died?

“Honesty” does not always mean the same thing as “fact”.

My LO has suffered more than enough. I don’t tell her anything that could distress her. I see no reason for her to have such information.

Please do not tell her, because she'll be distraught then later forget. She'll ask where he is, you'll remind her he died, then it'll be like she's hearing it the first time all over again.

Imagine losing a child every day or week -- that's how it'll be for her.

We've lost two close relatives since my mom started with dementia. I haven't told her and won't.

Would she expect your brother to be at the window visits or to call her?

I think I would not mention it. She is unlikely to be able to process the information, but it will make her sad anew each time she hears it.

First of all, I am very sorry for your recent loss. Second of all, I would not tell your mother about this loss. If she asks about your late brother, focus on past memories. She may be confused about present news, so no point in causing Mom unnecessary distress. Condolences.

I would not tell her. Did he live in your area and was he able to visit? I think that you should wait in case your Mom asks. Speaking of old times is what most seniors in Dementia do. They don't often talk about the present. If she starts to ask about him, then I think you will have to approach this with honesty. If she doesn't ask, I wouldn't. Try to continue to divert her with old days. With photo albums of the family when he and all the rest were younger. Those are the days, the long term memories that will most interest her now. Play it by ear as time goes along. Good luck; hope you will update us.

I wouldn’t. She won’t remember your telling her and will keep asking.

My friend’s MIL had severe dementia and kept asking about her husband, who had died several years prior. Friend would tell her that her husband was in Heaven. She would get upset and cry each time. It was like hearing the news the first time, every time she asked. And she’d ask 100x a day. Same reaction each time.

So it was time for the ‘therapeutic fib’.
“Oh, he’s at work.”
”He had to go to the store.”
”He’ll be home later.”

She’d still ask all day, but it spared MIL getting upset and reliving the shock.

Keep in mind that when you tell a demented elder that someone died, they are going to forget it. Then, when they ask again where that deceased person is, you'll again have to tell them they've died. Again and again. So, each time they ask, they get to re-live the news over and over again, as if it's brand new grief to process. That's what makes telling a demented elder bad news a cruel thing.

If she's still asking about her late husband, then you see what I mean. She'll do the same thing with her son, and you'll be facing that dreadful conversation time & time again. (For what it's worth, my mother insists my late father is either sitting in the chair or lying beside her in bed at night; she has said that ever since he passed in 2015. Who am I to argue with her? For all I know, he IS there with her in spirit, as he had been for 68 years prior. If it comforts her, that's all I personally care about, you know?)

I wouldn't go there if it were me with my 93.5 y/o mother who has dementia & lives in a Memory Care ALF. The LESS info I give her, the less she has to obsess about. Especially bad news...........she's OCD on her best day, so bad news is something she'll dwell on endlessly. No good comes of it. Keep them happy at any cost, that's my motto.

I am very sorry for all of your losses, my friend. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

Don't. She won't remember. You'll have to tell her repeatedly, which will only hurt you. There is nothing to be gained from telling her. When she remembers him and asks about him, redirect her attention.

The same thing happened to me only I had my father at home. I chose not to tell him because I knew he would forget and like someone said, if I reminded him it would be like losing a child every day of the week. I think my father knew somehow...overheard whispered conversations, noticed the phone rang less. But he never asked about my brother. I wouldn’t tell your mother. You’ll figure out the most appropriate thing to say if she asks about him.

Sorry to hear about your brother. My husband is 58 with Alzheimer’s and his brother passed in April. He is 1 of 5 boys, only him and another brother remain. I didn’t tell him about his youngest brother cause anytime I tell him something sad he cries. He’s a very sensitive person and is worse with Alzheimer’s. I agree to not tell her, she will see him one day. Let her enjoy the memories while she can. Prayers to you