We have planned a vacation for early January, this is first December. My mother isn't eating and drinking little. She drinks her smoothies and candy and she ate Thanksgiving meal that I made, but the doctor called and asked me if I wanted to resuscitate her. It scared me, I am still trying to call back the doctor to ask him more questions. The dietician said she is not eating and is losing weight but the last 4 weeks her weight stayed the same. Should I cancel my vacation? But should we go or stay home?

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The doctor may have asked the resuscitation question because he did not have that information in your Mom's file. That was one of the first questions the ER asked me when my Mom and later my husband were in the ER.

Re the vacation: Some things to consider -- how complicated are the arrangements for this vacation (i.e., can it easily be canceled), how quickly could you get home; do you think you would be able to enjoy the vacation or would you feel very guilty; what does your spouse think; do you feel you would need to be with her when she passes; are you stressed out from dealing with your Mom's situation and you need to recharge. My personal theory is whatever action you take, you should be at peace with the decision. Kind regards.
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Reply to Hedgie
Ariadnee Dec 1, 2021
I agree with this. Also, my friend's husband with Parkinson's disease had been readmitted to the hospital, she went into his room, he was resting comfortably. So, she went back to the waiting room, he passed away. I took care of my Mom at home. Towards the end I'd go check in on her every 30-40 minutes, just to see how she was doing-my last check-she had passed away. So, there's really no telling exactly when death comes to pass.
As Hedgie wrote, how complicated are the arrangements and can you easily get back if needed? Otherwise, "you should be at peace with the decision".
If you can relax and enjoy the vacation I’d encourage you to go. Trying to predict what may happen with our elders is usually a guessing game, you could very well cancel and not get a needed break and nothing happen with mom. Your need for respite is important.
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Reply to Daughterof1930

My parents went on a cruise knowing Grandma (mom's mom) might not have much longer. After all, they planned for this cruise for so long, so much money invested, and Grandma could hold on longer for all they knew. Grandma died several days into their cruise. My aunt (her caregiver) held it against them, sisters became enemies, and nothing was ever right between them again. Both of them died last year within months of each other, didn't acknowledge each other in their obits, and never had spoken since the day of Grandma's funeral. Was the cruise worth it? Nope! I think you should delay your vacation.

We cancelled a trip to WDW when mil came to live her final days with us. She often said how she regretted that we didn't get that trip and asked us to promise that after she passed we would take the trip. Even though I promised, she never saw anything concrete. When the hospice nurse told us that mil was possibly lingering longer because of unsettled business, I went online, bought park tickets, and whispered to mil that I'd bought our tickets for WDW. She nodded her head and within an hour she passed. Do I regret cancelling the trip? Nope, no regrets. When we went three months after she passed, there was a peace and joy we would not have had earlier that year.

Vacations can be taken any time. The anticipated passing of loved ones nearing death can't be rescheduled. The loved ones are more important than money and relaxation.
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Reply to graygrammie
deedeer Dec 6, 2021
My post is for Graygrammie:

Wow....I can see why both sisters would hold it against each other. The caregiver was left to deal with Mom's death while the other sister was having the time of her life. You are right in that vacation can be taken any time but there is only one Mom. Most likely, the sisters' anger with each other may had hastened their own demise...

PS: I tried to click on helpful answer but it did not go through.
P.S. My sister lasted one day shy of three weeks without ANY liquids or food. So I wouldn't take any "pronouncements" from this site or the Internet on how long a person can live without any intake.
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Reply to SusanFeig
LittleOrchid Dec 6, 2021
So true. My mother far outlasted all of the predictions of death based on how much she was consuming. Sometimes some individuals can survive much longer than anyone predicts. Getting too hung up on when to expect a death simply increases the stress levels, but does nothing helpful. It is much better to just take it one day at a time without anticipating the timing.
Her doctor is probably setting up a DNR. Is Mom on Hospice?

Hard decision. If you go something could happen, if you don't go it probably will not happen. Ask her Dr what he thinks.
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Reply to JoAnn29

That’s so hard to answer. My gut feeling is to keep with your plans. Your mom could last well beyond your vacation time. However, my mother in law was near the end when we had already planned a family vacation out of the country. We said our goodbyes to her, even though she was unconscious. She passed while we were in the air. I wish we would have waited a day to leave. - You just don’t know when is a good time. However, I believe mom would tell you to go on as planned. I certainly believe that is what my mother in law would have said.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Terrysmellgood

Can you get vacation insurance that will cover changes of plans, if you have to return early for your mother?
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Reply to NancyIS

When they stop eating and drinking, that usually means they are on their way out. If you want to be with her when she passes, I wouldn't do it. You can always reschedule a vacation. You can't reschedule your mom's route.
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Reply to TakeFoxAway

I think you need more information from the dietician, doctor, or other professional, especially since she has not lost any weight the last few weeks. It takes few calories to sustain a person at this point. Until you have more information, you might consider do you really need to make a decision immediately? Think about the last date it would be feasible for you to make a decision about your vacation. How hard would it be to re-schedule? Will this be a needed break for you, or would you spend your time worrying about your mother?
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Reply to Learn2Cope

Why would you even ask ???
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Reply to Helenn
TaylorUK Dec 7, 2021
Well it isn't clear to me, There is no 100% right answer to a situation we don't know all the details of. I find your answer very rude as no doubt you will find this one (yes my ASD makes me blunt), but there are a number of things to take into account. you are obviously fortunate enough to be able to answer those questions without the authors help.
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