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Mom is 95- 1/2. We found a lovely care home, which is private pay and close to all her family. She will probably only be able to afford it for 2 years and is in good health except she is not able to walk more than a step or two and is incontinent and has some dementia. When the money runs out, you have to leave as they don't take Medicaid.


The alternative is to put her in a nursing home now where we can choose a good home because she still has some money. She can also go on Medicaid afterwards when she has run out of money. But a nursing home is a nursing home and understaffed etc. The care home is filled with lovely people who will treat her like family and have plenty of people to make her last years happy.


The trouble is, she is in good health otherwise, and in 2 years will then have to move to a facility, if she is still around. We won't be able to have much choice in the matter if she is already on Medicaid; we have to take the place they will allow her to go to on Medicaid. This could be be good or bad but still a shock if she has to be moved again. In the last 5 yrs. she has been moved from a nursing home, stayed with 1 brother until he got sick, stayed with another brother during Covid and now has to go somewhere else.


I'd like to hear what you people think is the most important thing to consider. Thanks in advance.

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Hands down, the care home. You shouldn't plan for a future with a woman who's already over 95 years old. Let her live for today, since that's all ANY of us have anyway.

Good luck!
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Usually I’d be in the move her into a NH group.
But not for your situation. If mom has already at age 95+ has successfully moved 4 times in the past few years, she’s quite the super trooper and can deal with another move or two. She went from her home (1) to a NH home (2) to son #1 home (3) & now at son #2 home (4). If she had a hospitalization that makes it 5.

If the board & care home will take her with her limited mobility, move her thete. It’s nearby family and affordable if only for 1.5 years. A lot could happen before she hits 97. You know that Medicaid is looming on the horizon so you can look at Medicaid places and have a short list of those that are “best” planned out.

you may want to be kinda ready for Medicaid too. It does not have to be a recipe for disaster. It morphs into that ime if it’s an incident based “need a NH now” cause mom fell & with family all clueless on their mom’s finances. That’s not you, you know she’s at zero in 1.5 years. So Like get a binder going that gets her annual awards letter from SSA (this goes out Oct -November it states what she’ll get paid in 2021), her monthly bank statements and receipts for bigger spends over $300 - $500. And copies of her will, DPOA and house sale and life insurance policy go into the binder too. Your all organized so oodles less stress when the eventually happens. It’s easier if it’s 1 person in the family that’s running herd on doing this and being the point person for Medicaid in the future. If it’s you and it’s actually one of the bros that’s her DPOA try to change it to you soon while mom is still pretty competent and cognitive. Ditto on you being a signatory on her banking too.
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I'm so sorry I haven't answered any of these very thoughtful posts yet. Thank you all for giving your opinions on what we should do.
We did go and visit the Care Home in person and in all of our minds it was the perfect place for her if we can't care for her anymore. I tried to visit the nursing home too but because of restrictions I can't even see it and here in NY there is no loosening of restrictions like I hear about in other places. We wouldn't even be able to have window visits with her and we feel knowing that, it would be cruel to place her there now.
The problem is that mom has less money than we thought because of falling stocks and right now she can only stay about 1-1/2 yrs and then would have to go on Medicaid. Having to switch residences when you have no money is a recipe for disaster, right? And with elections coming up her stocks could fall even lower.
Since my brother is the one caring for her, I guess I have to leave it up to him to see how much longer he can keep her without going nuts. Please pray that we make the right decision.
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I agree, for now, the Care home. She is not ready for a nursing home or MC where its people suffering from a Dementia. Who would she talk to. And MCs are expensive.

I placed Mom in an AL in her early stages of Dementia. It was right at the time. By the time the money was running out, she had declined into the final stage. So She paid privately for 2 months and transitioned into Medicaid.
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I would move her to the facility that is in your opinion above the very nicest. I often recommend Board and Care such as you describe to people as today I think they sadly are ignored. Often they are run by families and there is a lot of love and individual attention as well as the senior having their own things around them. I would stay in the day as no one can tell what 2 years ahead will be. It is certainly an individual choice but I agree with ArtistDaughter for sure. Good luck; only you can make this decision and you are doing it with great thought and good intention.
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I have a different answer than others, but I also think it really depends on your mother's personality. My mom will eventually have to move to another place because she is needing more care. She is in a small facility in my neighborhood that is an old Victorian house with capacity for only 9 residents. She is happy because it is like a home with a porch and neighbors to watch walk by with dogs, children playing in their yards, and I can walk there in 10 minutes. I have her on a waiting list for another home-like place that has only 5 residents. I'm hoping it works out that she doesn't have to go to a large facility because I know she would hate it, but I've found one close by where she will be accepted if it comes to that. If possible she will be kept in her current place until the covid restrictions are over. I know that it might be necessary to move her from assisted living to memory care some day and it would be really difficult on her, but her "in the now" happiness is what I'm opting for. It's really a hard to make these choices for another person, isn't it? We can just hope we've made the best one.
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The fewer moves the better, in my opinion. Moving is traumatic enough for younger people, but for the elderly it's awful.
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I think it would be best to find a nice memory care placement as close to family as you can. Moves are a challenge and I would try to make as few changes as possible.
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Will the anxiety/ stress of knowing the move is coming up be an issue in year 2? It would bother me as it would be hard to make friends with other members and staff knowing I had to move. It may diminish the enjoyment of what sounds like a lovely place.
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Why a Nursing Home? Look at Memory Care Facilities. (Unless of course she needs a Nursing Home)
I should explain my terms as maybe they are different than yours.
Assisted Living the residents require some help but retain most of their independence
Memory Care is for residents diagnosed with any cognitive issues and they require help with most ADL's. And there is a possibility of them "escaping" as most MC units are locked.
Nursing Home is more Skilled Nursing.
Memory Care there will be activities that they should encourage her to join often they will go on outings (maybe not now due to COVID) Often there are enclosed areas outside where they can walk or they are taken to enjoy some outdoor time.
to move her after 2 years will probably cause a decline but then again no one has a crystal ball to determine what will happen between now and then.
If the larger facility you are looking at is run well, has good ratings, well maintained I would probably select that place just because there would be no need to move her.
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JoAnn29 Oct 2020
She doesn't sound like she is ready for MC. These are people well into Dementia. If she has her mind she will get bored because there will be no one to hold a conversation with.
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Find an excellent nursing home that accepts Medicaid and transition her there. Once her money runs out, she can't be kicked out and she will be a priority for their Medicaid rooms (which means it is a shared room). Have you been inside a good NH? My MIL is in a faith-based one that has been around for many years. They recently remodeled and is very well run. My MIL was able to survive covid in there I think thanks in part to the wise administration and hard working, dedicated staff. And they were understaffed during that outbreak. Please visit some reputable ones by yourself and see that there are some worthy ones out there. If she's on Medicaid before going into a NH, she will still have a choice but she will be on a waiting list and the existing residents get first dibs at those beds, so depending on what state/area she lives in the wait can be for years.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
I agree that non profit religious based facilities are the best option. Edit: if you go the large, Medicaid accepting route.

They tend to care a lot more and they are not shorting the residents so stock holders can make money.
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