Should we go ahead and sell Mom's car? How do we approach the subject with her?

I had two uncles and two different outcomes when it came to driving. Uncle number one was a lawyer and he knew that if he had an accident, he would be liable for damages especially if some one got hurt. He gave his car to his son and made arrangements. He talked the AL into buying a van so residents could get rides. Problem solved. Other uncle refused to give up driving and would drive and forget how to get home. He was picked up by the police who noticed he was lost. We told him that parking lots are very difficult because little kids run and you cant see them. NOTHING worked. He had dementia and could not be reasoned with.
He also refused to have home health care because they would"steal". Not true.
He was found die at home and had been on the floor for several days. There was nothing we could do and it was very sad for his sons.

Lesson use the fact that if they have an accident, they could harm someone and/or get sued and lose. Therefore arrange for someone to drive. There are lots of options. The one that we liked was that there were veterans from the American Legion who would like a part time job. Would have given him some new friends and a safe ride.
GOOD LUCK

Please have her driving skills tested. Let the testing facility explain that she can not drive again. Give her at least a month for the fact to sink in before addressing issues about disposing of her car.

We kept my Mom's car for the helpers to use so it was in her garage (keys hidden). Occasionally she would say she wanted to drive it but, I think she knew it was dangerous for both her and others. There were news stories about older people killing others in accidents and she did pay attention to those. A few times, when she was persistent about driving again, I told her it would be best to have her tested at a local rehab facility to see if they thought she was OK to drive. This facility performed a driving test and then would give the participant their opinion of whether they should be driving (along with the results of the test). This took the family out of it and was an objective opinion. We never got that far but it was something to keep in my back pocket whenever it came up.

Pacify the sore subject as best as you can but---don't mention selling her car. You won't GET FAR.

I have only kept my mothers car because when she wants to go out she wants to ride in it. One of her random questions “Is my car still out there?” She can look out the window and see it. She hasn’t driven in 5 yrs due to dementia and doesn’t really want to drive. I tell her she’s The Queen and I am her driver because she is special!

She may be angry about her losses and hoping to drive again but in her head, unless she is very plagued with dementia, she really knows she won't be driving again. If the caregivers use her car to take her places, then you need to keep it. If caregivers are driving her in their cars, I assume that they have full liability insurance. (sorry, side note but could not resist).

My FIL was still driving up to February 2019; he was 93 at the time. Turns out he had macular degeneration and cataracts that he never mentioned. He complained of his vision but had gone to optometrist every year to get cleared for driving. Finally in February, he could not longer pass and wanted to have cataracts removed so he could keep driving. Even though he really could not see very well, he felt it was okay to keep driving since he had a valid drivers license. Even when he agreed that he could not pass the new driving test because of his vision, he felt that as long as he had a valid license driving was still okay. He had vascular dementia and although he often seemed reasonable to most people, this type of badly flawed reasoning was a result of his dementia. Anyway, the eye surgeon told him he could not drive any more at the first visit, or at least until the surgery. He was legally blind in one eye and 20/90 in the other eye. I planned the surgery to be done after his license expired for his March birthday. We made sure we took him where he needed to go and the facility also had a bus and a driver as well for appts. He got used to not driving and finally, he asked me "when are you going to sell my car? We moved the car to our house so he did not see it. I only offer this story to say that people who were independent are often very angry about the changes that happen to them; we can all understand that. I really had to orchestrate getting him to stop driving. He knew that I was opposed to his driving as no one at 92 has the reaction time to avoid accidents. They might be able to drive to the grocery store or some place they are familiar with but unexpected things happen all the time. About 2 months after he stopped driving, he finally told me that I had been right and when he thinks back on some of the things he did while driving, he knew he should not have been driving. His kids, my husband included, avoided this discussion but I did not.

In your case, I would make the excuse that the car is making a noise and needs to go to mechanic. Make arrangements for it to stay gone. If you can get away with it, tell her transmission is going, cost is $2000 and car should be sold. Or just keep it out of her sight for a while and then ask her if it can be sold.

Having the doctor tell her if you can but since we are not really going to doctors as much, that might be difficult.

Have her doctor tell her.

Aside from the sage advice posted by others, perhaps you can approach it from the high cost of insurance for someone her age? Add up repairs and gas too? When my MIL no longer drove we kept her clunker van because it was the easiest vehicle for her to get in and out of. Her grandsons would drive her around on errands in it, and that gave her satisfaction.

Get ready to go gray rock and not react. The driving issue came up for a year after we pulled the plug on mom's car. She was 95 at the time. She passed the drivers written test and her license expired at age 97.

I watch the elder neighbor just sit in his truck sometimes and go nowhere. I maybe should try this I thought as I read your post. Mom was meticulous with her car and I've decided its best to keep it around for sentimental reasons. She looks at it from the kitchen and dusts it off like before (she's walking precariously still). It's the apple of her eye and wishes to give it to one of the grandkids who could care less. Although she talks to whoever is listening also about selling it, I believe she just wants to have its value acknowledged. I watched her maintain it beyond the value of the car and she drove around the corner as her last venture. When I could get her in my car, I would take the 'scenic route' on streets familiar to her.

Even if you have a POA, you can’t use it to go against her wishes as long as she is mentally competent.

Well given you have POA and can transfer title to make the sale, my answer is yes, of course the car should not be left in any wise that she can DRIVE it. As to whether to sell it or not, another question. It is robbing her of all hope to drive again, and of her car, which at this point can be driven FOR her with her in it. I think gently explaining that it is no longer responsible for her to drive, and perhaps having the reinforced by her doctor or asking DMV for a drivers test, if necessary would work. Just not sure I would remove the car. These things become very symbolic for us as we lose more and more and yet more as we age.

My dad’s helper uses his car to take him where he needs and wants to go. It’s part of the agreement we signed. He’s also dependent on a rollator and lives alone. He likes that his car is being used even though he’s not driving it. Could this be a help to your mom? Or do you think riding in her car would agitate her further?