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My 96-year-old mother in law has been living in an assisted living facility for people with dementia. It is located close to all family members, and, up to March 15, we had been able to visit her daily. Overall, we are very pleased with this facility and feel fortunate to have found it.


Our problem has to do with the current pandemic lockdown. We have not been allowed to visit since March 15. We have only been allowed to “visit” through a window as we stand outside. At present, there is no guidance on when this may change. I’ve heard that visitations may not commence until the end of August, with strict social distance guidelines.


My mother in law is enrolled in hospice. We’ve been told that we would be allowed to come see her once she enters “active dying”.


This is breaking our hearts. Although we’ve been assured that she is comfortable, not agitated, we can’t help but feel that she must wonder where her family has gone. We feel as if we’ve abandoned her to live out her final days among strangers.


Should we bring her home? Would this be too much of a change for her? Has anyone else faced this? I welcome any advice that would help us.

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Praise The Lord!

May her passing be peaceful and may God grant all of you grieving mercies and comfort during this difficult time.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Thank you all for your valuable input! I am very pleased to tell you that the situation has resolved itself.

Today we received a call from hospice notifying us of a downturn change to my mother-in-law's baseline. This was enough for them to enact visitation. We were allowed to visit her this evening. My sister-in-law is allowed to spend the night with her. Tomorrow they are transferring my mother-in-law to a private room. Once there, we will have more flexibility in being with her. I am so very much relieved. We don't know how much longer she has, but we will surround her with the warmth that only family and loved ones can bring. God is good and has answered my prayers!
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Reply to Deciquesi
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It's such a horrible situation. I get it. I struggle with it too. My LO is in MC and is on hospice. I'm trying to make arrangements to bring her home. It's a huge deal though. I know that, so, I have to make sure that I have the proper setup and help. It makes me nervous, but, I really want her final days to be home with family by her side. I have read what many people say about not doing it, but, I still think it would be a good thing for her, if it's possible. For many people, it's not feasible. At one point, I would not have been able to manage the care at home. Now, she's nonverbal and not mobile at all.

How mobile is your mother? Is she resistant to care? Does she wander? Is she agitated? I think it's more difficult if you have someone who is higher functioning, because, there are more things they are still able to do in the home and you have to constantly prevent them from harming themselves. Each case is different though. I hope you find some answers.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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Don't panic! Stay calm, think it thru, read these good posts, and PRAY..... You could turn your whole world upside down, and not in a good way - hers, too.
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Reply to MichaelEzekiel
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I have a friend in your exact situation. She brought her dad home when the lockdown started, and she's now at the point of a nervous breakdown. She finally came to the conclusion he needs to go back to the memory care place and was supposed to move him today, but he fell and broke his hip last week, so now she has that mess to deal with.

Don't do it.
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Reply to MJ1929
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I haven’t faced your exact circumstances but my dad recently came home from rehab and is now on home hospice. We’re only a few days into it and I can already tell you that hospice is very efficient and sends excellent supplies and help. What they don’t provide is any type of staying on the scene, they are in and out, not even daily. It’s on the family to provide care 24/7. When a person has reached the point of hospice care it’s most often recommended they not be left alone at all, their needs are constant, some of them pretty cumbersome, all being done by family not trained in this. While you’re deciding this, consider both your ability to take this on around the clock and MIL’s ability to be comfortable and feel safe with a different care than she’s become used to
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Too much change for her!??
How much of a change would it be for you, I assume you would be caring for her.
Are you equipped to care for her properly and safely? (Why was the decision made to place her in the first place and not keep her home? Have those circumstances changed?)
I think the curtailed visits are probably more difficult for you and the rest of the family than they are on her.
In your profile you say you are caring for your father at home. Same home you will bring MIL to or is he in his own home?
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Reply to Grandma1954
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