Mother is 100.9 years old and lives in a nursing home. She broke her hip, had surgery and went into the nursing home at age 98.2. She now eats very little and has mild dementia. It was suggested that if I enroll her in Hospice, she would qualify for more services to improve the quality of her life even though death is not imminent, so I did so.
My older sister has had an extremely contentious relationship w/Mother and the rest of the family for many years. She does not communicate with any family members including son and granddaughter. She was told when Mother went into nursing home almost three years ago and since then has been to visit approximately 3 times. Cards on birthdays and holidays are sporadic and mostly non-existent. She has not reached out to me, her younger and only sibling, to inquire about Mother's health until a few weeks ago. At that time it was a text "so, how's Ma". I told her if she really wanted to know, she should come visit, which she did. Apparently, when she was there, she noticed on Mother's calendar when the Hospice nurse signed in. After the visit I rec'd a text asking about it. I confirmed, that yes I had done that.
Now I have rec'd several text messages from her irate because I did not let her know and telling me I have no right to judge her interest in our Mother's care or well-being. Well, I am not judging. In my life experience when someone is interested in anything, they make time to visit, call, inquire, etc. which is NOT what has happened in this case. She didn't contact Mother by phone or visit when she was well and it's the same now.
If Mother had a diagnosis of imminent death, she would be contacted; just as she was when Mother broke her hip.
I guess I am looking for any input that folks may have or experience with similar situations. I am now feeling guilty about this, which is of course just what she wants...
I stayed away because of abuse from both of them that continues into my adult years. It does not mean I do not care about them. It means I have set firm boundaries to prevent the abuse from continuing.
So even if I have not enquired, I do care and would want to know about a change in their health status. Being put on Hospice is a significant change in status.
My brother was not the target of abuse by our parents and cannot understand why I feel the way I do. He will say things like just get over it. He does not see that the abuse has continued and I have gotten over it, but also protect myself from further abuse.
I am not saying that the same situation applies to your sister, just giving another point of view. And letting you know that a lack of contact does not equate to a lack of caring.
I get that. Parents are not always fair with each child. Sorry she mistreated you. Hugs!
Please do not feel guilty for one second.
Your sister is trying to pick a fight. Don’t engage.
You owe her no information. (You might even resent her for suggesting this).
If she was around, she would know what’s going on.
If she was decent to you (and your Mom), she would be next to you, helping with all the decision making / and then she would know very clearly what’s going on.
At the very least, even if she didn’t visit, but just used common sense, based on your mom’s numerical age alone, she could pretty easily guess what’s going on.
Since she is a registered nurse, she cannot claim ignorance or fear (of seeing your mom sick) as an excuse.
How would things be different if you had told her? They would not be different.
I did tell my sibs that Mom was on hospice. They did not even come to visit then. I couldn’t believe it.
Im so sorry your sister is behaving badly. I know you could use her support.
It’s hard for her to take accountability and easy for her to place blame.
At least she is living up to your expectations (and to her past performance).
Different topic but a sibling issue regarding phone calls. We had to discontinue because it didn’t work properly but when mom had her emergency call button, one of the features that Humana offered was calling my brothers for me. They explained that my primary concern was caregiver to mom, not notifying others with phone calls.
I really appreciated that. It also took the stress out of calling siblings that never call or visit mom.
Here’s the odd part. I wanted to gag when it happened. Humana would notify them. They would pretend to be all concerned about mom and show up at hospital like they were the perfect sons in front of the hospital staff.
Of course, the ER physician spoke directly to me when they saw that I was the primary caregiver that needed to know all of the follow up care instructions. My brothers would leave before mom was even discharged. It was all an act on their part.
He showed up with a sad face for all the doctors meetings. After the meetings he would go around the corner and make phone calls. He sounded jubilant!
I will always believe his sole interest in Mom’s health was connected to his expectation of inheritance.
Before she went into the hospital, and after she was released, there were no visits despite the fact that he lived nearby.
They think they can square things with me by once in a blue moon saying thanks with empty, insincere gratitude to me for doing it all. Not buying it.
By the way, your answer to your sister when she finally inquired about your mom was absolutely brilliant! By telling her to come see for herself she gets to see firsthand how mom is, also firsthand how you have been the one caring for mom.
You have enough on your plate without dealing with your sister. Your primary concern has been your mom. It is your sister’s responsibility to keep up with your mom. Hate to say it but she brought this on herself because people like her are hard to get close to. They don’t want intimate relationships but are the first to complain if they are left out. Well, they can’t have it both ways. She should respect you if she wants respect in return.
You are doing a great great job and your mom is blessed to have a daughter like you.
It’s a tough, long winding road with lots of bumps. I hope it gets better for you soon. Take care, hugs!
I suspect that sister was perturbed when you told her that if she wanted to know her mother's condition that she could go and see for herself. In her mind, she saw that as you saying she didn't care about her mother. So, she got defensive and is trying to prove that she is interested now. Now, she sees she's on Hospice and the idea of death is making her scared. Fear makes people act irrationally sometimes.
I'm not sure if I would have worded it the way you did when you told her she could come visit if she wanted to know how mother was, because, I likely wouldn't have been invested enough to type out that many words to an uninvolved person. I'd probably just say, Ok. Hanging in there. You know....but, your comment wasn't terrible. It's how you felt. So, that's just something for her to work out in her own mind. I'd try to stay out of it. I try to let discord roll off my back and focus on positive things that i can control and not negative people who I can't.
At 100 years old, death is always imminent. Hospice or no. One doesn’t need to be a nurse to know that.
Your sister has her own demons no doubt. Most of us do.
There is no reason to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong.
Your sisters response is all on her. It’s about her feelings. Not yours. Enjoy your mom and perhaps you can simply ask your sister to keep in touch going forward. Then let it go.
Just focus on your Mom...you are obviously a very loving, concerned and involved daughter! Let Hospice remove some of this unwanted stress from you!
Me, I chose not to let it bother me, why, because I get overwhelmed with it all and agitated. I have two younger brothers. One lives 8 hrs away with MIL problems of his own. The other lives 1/2 hr away and I haven't seen or heard from him since Mom passed in Sept 2017. I have text him Happy Birthday, went people he knows pass with no response, But thats my brother. Neither called on visited Mom on a regular basis. When my one brother did visit, he couldn't stand to see Mom the way she was. So didn't say goodbye before he returned home. I have been thanked by both for caring for Mom. Which was nice.
I really understand why you didn't bother to tell your sister. All of a sudden she cares? Why should you be made to feel guilty. You are left to make all the decisions. Your the one who is there thru it all. And sister just does her own thing. And I would tell her that.
What I HAVE learned however, is that I usually wind up feeling worse myself by stewing over the resentment I feel, and that a hefty dose of total disregard actually allows me to function much more comfortable while being tethered to this contentious whining parasite who visits at his personal convenience, ignores LO, and is skipping out to move half a continent away as soon as the paint on the walls of his sparky new condo is dry.......well there you go, my resentment shows itself again!
You KNOW that your reaction is self-defeating, and I know it too about MY reaction to my “problem”, so we will continue to encourage ourselves to reframe our feelings and provide basic formation, and OT give them anything to use to make us feel worse. I’ve gotten as far as being able to give factual, non-sarcastic laced information when asked (a REAL CHALLENGE FOR ME), and simply remaining silent when the nonsense rolls my way.
I cannot imagine a family member acting as mine has, but by choosing the path he has taken, he has also denied himself the joys of connection with a faithful family. His loss, and I’m sure your sister’s as well.
Try the role of “ bland information giver”. If doing so does nothing more than relieve your guilt in part, you’ll still come out ahead.
Your sister is upset for all sorts of complicated reasons, most of which will be quite beyond your ken. I should try as far as possible to let it wash over you. If you must respond, or even if you just think it would be rude or inflammatory not to respond, try to keep it neutral, something like: "I will be happy to keep you informed in future. How would you like me to do that?"
I don't think it was unreasonable of you to feel that if your sister had any questions your sister would ask. She was free to do so at any time, assuming that you hadn't previously rejected any enquiries or approaches - had you? If she's bouncing about now, it's because:
she misunderstands the concept of hospice as applied to your mother
she feels hurt that she was excluded (I know, whose fault's that? - but that's not the point)
she believes she ought to have been consulted
this nothing incident has opened all sorts of other old wounds
Whatever. It wasn't your responsibility to track her down when you had the decision to make; and you can't alter what has already taken place even if you felt so inclined.
So, to take away -
You haven't done anything wrong.
She is upset, see what you can do to help her feel better and avoid similar misunderstandings in future.
Your sister's issues, whatever they may be, are not your fault and not your problem; but acknowledging her feelings and reassuring her is still the right thing to do. You don't have to feel responsible for a problem to want to help put it right.
TS2 never once responded to my questions. I found out through the grapevine that mom had been placed on hospice. I knew from this site that is not necessarily a death sentence, but was angry that TS2 had to make everything so difficult. I am sure she thought if you are sooo concerned maybe you should come to visit her and see for yourself. But she never responded in any way, any form.
How very cruel and passive aggressive this sort of behavior is. What is the point? An exercise of power over mom and a method for you to control and influence sis? How terribly dysfunctional!
What you need to remember is this is not about punishing your sister for long past and your perception of her recent behaviors. This IS about your mom. If you think mom would not want her involved, that cannot be judged by anyone.
So, forget the past with sis, stop trying to control everything about this situation. Why would you want to hurt your mom that way? Try to just get along and be civil and fair to sis. Everyone will be much better off for it.
I don't think its a control thing its what she has to do because sister has never tried to be involved before. I think sis realized that Mom is not going to be with them much longer. She now feels quilty and is taking it out on the one person who had done ALL THE WORK. Its stressful being the one who makes all the decisions. Are u doing whats right? The one who does all the worrying, there for every ER visit.