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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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As most have said, it depends on her understanding of the event. I did not even tell my mom that my brother had died. She had forgotten both of my siblings by that time. She would not have understood. 9 years earlier she knew she wasn't well enough to attend my sister's funeral. However, I attended my sister's FIL's funeral and her MIl was there with dementia. I was told she would not know me, but she did and was truly happy I had traveled across the country to the funeral. She seemed to know what was happening, was quiet, and very lovely during the entire event to everyone. We just can't predict how, when, or if dementia will express itself, so the safest thing is to not take her. I'm sorry for your loss and for your situation.
It depends how bad her dementia is and whether she is physically able to attend (mobility, balance, whether she is incontinent). Only you can decide.
My father attended my mother's funeral last year. We only had a four hour wake at the local funeral home, nothing else. He has mild dementia and is in a nursing home. We had an ambulette on standby to bring him back to the nursing home at any time if the four hour ordeal was too much for him. It went okay.
I would not take her. I've been to more than a few funerals when there was a spouse or parent with Alzheimer's (or some other form of dementia) there and it was terrible. I was also a homecare worker for 25 years. Let me tell you, bringing a person with dementia to the funeral of a loved one can really set them back in whatever level of independence they still possess. It's not worth it. When there'd be a death in one of my care client's family often the other members would ask me about bringing a demented client to the funeral. If the client was incontinent I would always ask how they would get them cleaned up at the funeral home, church, cemetary, or restaurant? I went to the funeral of a former care client of mine years ago. She should not have been there and I advised her family not to bring her. They did anyway. She started getting agitated immediately in the church which graduated to hysterics within minutes. She then crapped herself and laid down in the side aisle and refused to get up. Of course the family expected me to help her and I told them there's nothing I can do. Call 911. She had to leave by ambulance.
Depending on how far gone she is with Alzheimer's maybe she can have visitors to her home instead of going to the wake/funeral service? Please believe me when I say, if she's at the point where she doesn't remember something you told her five minutes ago, don't even tell her your brother died. She will very likely get into a dementia-loop about and keep asking over and over again. Every time she hears of his death, she will be hearing it for the first time. She will be shocked every time and will suffer setbacks. Setbacks that will make her life and the lives of her caregivers only that much harder. It's not worth it. Honesty and the truth aren't always the best thing for a person with dementia.
I just went to a viewing for a classmate whose parents attended my Church. The mother Started showing signs of Demention about 9 years ago. She was brought to the viewing. I stopped to say something to her and she said "its sad isn't it." Did she understand it was her son? I did not stay for the service but I would hope if she became overwhelmed, she would have been taken home.
My Mom, I would not have taken her. I had to stop taking her to Church because she became overwhelmed. She lasted about an hour when we took her out and wanted to go home. You can guage your Mom. How is she normally around people. Will she really understand what is going on. If she gets overwhelmed, iscthere someone who can take her home and watch her, maybe bring her to the luncheon.
If you take her, have the visitation short. If graveside service, I would not take her. One reason, the ground maybe uneven and she could fall. She will tire out, don't push her.
I wouldn't attempt to take anyone with dementia to any sort of funeral. It creates the opportunity for them to become very confused even if they were okay to participate in such a function just a short while ago.
If you think it is important for her to see what I consider to be the maudlin procedures and people crying and following the casket out afterward, and the big hole in the ground where it's going to go, ask the funeral director to video or livestream the service so mom can watch it at home. Then you can deal with her behavior, should there be anger, uncontrollable crying, and confused questions, in private. If she were my mom, I wouldn't want her to suffer through a sadness like this.
I've lost a son, and I wish I could forget all the sad and upsetting details. If I had dementia, maybe I could.
My Aunt with advanced dementia was disruptive at her brother's funeral: she kept asking, loudly, Why is everyone here? What's going on? She couldn't/didn't want to whisper. Maybe consider a separate, private funeral goodbye for her. There's no way to know how she will react. Honestly, her ALZ may prevent her from being able to process it at all. She may ask over and over where he is, what happened to him, etc. like my MIL did when her husband died. I don't think there's a "wrong" answer, but you just have to ask having her at his funeral will "accomplish", and who does it really benefit. I'm so sorry for this whole situation. May you receive peace in your hearts as you grieve.
Does she want to, does she understand her son has died and express a wish to go, and will she be able to sustain a trip to the funeral; you would know a good deal more about your mom's capability to attend than we do with so little information. I am terribly sorry for this loss for you all.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Why would you want her to absorb her son’s death? Let her be delusional if it keeps her from the pain.
My father attended my mother's funeral last year. We only had a four hour wake at the local funeral home, nothing else. He has mild dementia and is in a nursing home. We had an ambulette on standby to bring him back to the nursing home at any time if the four hour ordeal was too much for him. It went okay.
Depending on how far gone she is with Alzheimer's maybe she can have visitors to her home instead of going to the wake/funeral service? Please believe me when I say, if she's at the point where she doesn't remember something you told her five minutes ago, don't even tell her your brother died. She will very likely get into a dementia-loop about and keep asking over and over again. Every time she hears of his death, she will be hearing it for the first time. She will be shocked every time and will suffer setbacks. Setbacks that will make her life and the lives of her caregivers only that much harder. It's not worth it. Honesty and the truth aren't always the best thing for a person with dementia.
My Mom, I would not have taken her. I had to stop taking her to Church because she became overwhelmed. She lasted about an hour when we took her out and wanted to go home. You can guage your Mom. How is she normally around people. Will she really understand what is going on. If she gets overwhelmed, iscthere someone who can take her home and watch her, maybe bring her to the luncheon.
If you take her, have the visitation short. If graveside service, I would not take her. One reason, the ground maybe uneven and she could fall. She will tire out, don't push her.
If you think it is important for her to see what I consider to be the maudlin procedures and people crying and following the casket out afterward, and the big hole in the ground where it's going to go, ask the funeral director to video or livestream the service so mom can watch it at home. Then you can deal with her behavior, should there be anger, uncontrollable crying, and confused questions, in private. If she were my mom, I wouldn't want her to suffer through a sadness like this.
I've lost a son, and I wish I could forget all the sad and upsetting details. If I had dementia, maybe I could.