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My mother, 82 year old and some dementia is leaving the burden on us to decide where she should be buried. She has a good mind...she is on Namenda and the medication is working very well. My brother would like to have her funeral at the church in her hometown where she attended for many many years. All of us was baptized at this church. However, my sister and I do not want to have her funeral at this church because our mother has been going to this church since she moved to another town. My sister and I do not want to deal with the attitudes of the people that belong to that church. My sister and I have notice how they treat others when they return to be buried or have other functions at that church. We have argue over this and I feel that my mother should let us know where she wants to be buried. My mother likes for us to have conversations about her...she lives for attention. She just called me this morning at 8 a.m. and stated that my oldest brother wants to know what is her wishes. She asked me what I want and I told her I do not care, where ever anyone else wants to do I am for it. I told her she should be the one to tell us so we can avoid conflict between us if something should happen to her. Am I wrong by telling her while she is living, she needs to write down her wishes so we can follow it whenever she passes? I feel like if she care about her children getting along, as a mother, she will make the decision herself, on where she would like her funeral. Why should we make that decision, when she knows her children are not on the same page as far as where her funeral should be. My siblings and I have had the worst arguments about this and I do not want to go through this again when she can take the pressure off of all of us.

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My cousin's ashes were spread in so many places that I told his sister she must feel like she was competing in The Amazing Race. I think they covered about four states!
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Johnnie Carson said that they should just put him out with the trash in a black garbage bag. Works for me.
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Sendme, LOL ;)
My friend's dad says to just take him out and put him on the manure pile.... :-0
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Shock therapy.
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Just tell her that your choice is a natural burial, where she goes and lays down in the forest, you place a few rocks, leaves, and pine needles over her, and then when she dies, a bit of red, raw meat is put on top, and whatever critter comes by will take care of the remains for free. Or something like that, so my mil says.
OR, did she have something else in mind?
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What a dirty trick for mom toplace this responsibility on the children. Stop playing this game, you will get nowhere. If the decision continues to be a point of contention I would have each sib write down what they thinkon a slip of paper. Put all the ideas in a bowl and have Mom pick from them. First out of the bowl wins. Argument over, I hope!
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You don't even have to have it at a church; the service can just be at a funeral home.

There's an excellent thread here on whether or not posters even plan to have a funeral, a topic that's changed over the years as the cost of funerals have skyrocketed.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/Anyone-decided-to-not-have-a-funeral-for-their-loved-one-188127.htm

So the amount of funds your mother has available may also be a factor.
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This is a very sore point for me, but I'll do my best. I decided that the thing to keep in mind was that if my mother didn't care what became of her earthly remains, then neither need I. So in your place, more or less, although of course I did actually go to the funeral, I otherwise washed my hands of it.

I feel that you are in the right to feel that your mother ought to make this decision. But if she won't, then fine: leave it to her executor and just go along with whatever arrangements that person wants to make.
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Thanks for that response, I will do just that... don't want to caught up in the drama, having issues with my siblings because I love them and they are good people.
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If she asked your opinion rather than your brothers, then you and your sister should go ahead and have the funeral where you want it to be. Simply tell your brother that this is her idea. My father is doing the same about his funeral, and we are also not on the same page - but I am used to him never wanting to deal with anything. Not fair to the children to put them on the spot like this.
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You may wish she would write down what she wants, but she has made it clear she isn't willing to do that. You say you don't care one way or the other, so just let the rest of the family fight it out if they must. If she or your sibs try to drag you into the fray, just tell them you don't want to participate, and change the subject.
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Yes, that is the point, she does not want to write anything down. That is what I asked her to do. She say that she did not care, but, in the meantime, some of us want different things for her. I don't care, where ever my siblings wants is find with me. She may see all of us leave this earth. She needs to write her wishes down to stop the conflict her children may have once she is gone. Writing something down is to easy...that is why I feel long as the conversation is about her, she loves it.
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Would she want to be buried where her parents are buried or if she had siblings, where they are buried?

Or depending on how she feels about cremation, her ashes can be scattered over one of her favorite places.

Have Mom write out what she wants. What church she wants even if it is a church the children don't like, good heavens it is just a hour or so. What type of service, short service, long service. What she would like to wear. jewelry if any. What type of casket. What type of headstone, if any. If cremation, where to place her ashes, even if it is in an urn to be placed on a bookcase. Go with her wishes.
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