Follow
Share

I'll try to describe this as concisely as possible. He is doting and codependent, but quite able-bodied; she is demanding, manipulative, and needy of help with even bathing and eating. The last time they lived together (in his own house last summer) it only took 2 weeks before he was passing out and falling down due to lack of sleep and lack of appetite from her constant requirements (real or imagined). Since last July, she has been in a great care home (a residential home with 4 other residents that has been in business for 25 years). He cries from missing her, especially since this lockdown, and rages about how the caregivers are not caring for her well enough. He talks to her on the phone every day, and they both are planning for this move to a different assisted living place where they can live together.
Of course I have advised him against moving in with her again, reminding him of what happened last time. He says he knows now how to deal with it better, and won't let himself get too overworked. Besides, the apartment together would be at an assisted living place, and she would get care from nurses, and they would each have life-alert buttons.
At this point, I'm so tired of his misery/complaining about the status quo (plus I just want my dad to have some happiness) that I'm starting to feel like maybe they SHOULD move into assisted living together. But I also know that the work of everything associated with move (even organizing the medical and mental assessments required by the new place) will be largely on MY shoulders. And then if it turns out to be a disaster, I'll have to clean up that mess too.
How do I refuse to enable my able-bodied, able-minded 82-year-old father to move if he wants to? And how do I deal with his complaints and sadness? I am open to any feedback. Thanks.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
My question would be, who is caring for GF? Who placed her where she is now? If family and she has Dementia, they are in charge of her care. She can no longer make informed decisions so what your Dad wants would be null and void. Her family would have to agree to the move. Maybe one of her family can come and talk to Dad and explain that GF can no longer make her own decisions. That family is very happy keeping her where she is. They will not be moving her. There is nothing Dad can do in that situation. He is not married to her and with her having Dementia, he can't marry her.

Lets say her family agrees to a move. Then you need to sit Dad down and tell him that if this happens, then he will need to let staff do their jobs. That would be staff doing all the caring for the GF. Bathing, toileting, etc. Because, even though they are living together, her family will still be in charge. I would not agree to take over her care and either should your Dad have that responsibility. Maybe each should have their own room. He also needs to understand that he will not be able to take everything he owns. He will need to get rid of stuff. You may want to say that once this move is made, there is no going back.

I moved my Mom into an AL with no problems. The assessment was done by the RN in charge. I may have gone and gotten Dr. records from Moms PCP and Neurologist. But there was nothing where I had to take Mom somewhere for mental and physical assessments. All Mom took with her was a bed, dresser, recliner, table for her TV, clothes, bathroom stuff and some kitchen stuff. Between my brother and DH we had her moved in in no time.

You may luck out and the family will say no. In the meantime, there is nothing you can do until restrictions are lifted. I would though, when they are, to have Dad get a good physical mentally and physically. It seems that he can't be reasoned with. That could be stubbornness but it also could be the beginning of Dementia. For now let him talk about his plans.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Being blunt, he getting booty he will probably do all he can to continue getting it even jif it puts his health at risk.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
JoAnn29 May 2020
You are so crass
(0)
Report
I have seen co habitating assisted living situations and they are quite nice but difficult to find. If you can locate a place, see if they have a memory care unit. Sometimes the partner has an opportunity to pay less. I have seen that when it is time for one of the partners to move to memory care, the other is free to visit all day. My mom was in a situation living with a boyfriend in independant living until he passed. There were some headaches of dealing with some of his issues. I moved mom into AL and was able to observe the double room situation.
If he is still of fairly sound mind, you are denying him and causing him to suffer from lack of companionship. Assisted living will take away some of the problems he encountered.
Next time, hire some helpers with the move, for piece of mind.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'm in agreement with the prior comments that if your dad is as sound in his mind as you say, and also able-bodied, then he can do all the footwork and even call a moving company to pay for it. But maybe first sit down to have a gentle conversation to remind him that her current condition is not on a plateau -- it is on a steady decline and will get worse and worse and there is the real possibility that she will need to go into MC, maybe sooner than he thinks. And, I would find out what family she has and if they know what's going on with her and your dad. In AL they can have an apartment big enough for the both of them but they are usually charged as 2 separate people. AL will charge extra for most any other help provided, from laundry, to dispensing meds, etc. ala carte. What do her funds look like? Is your dad thinking he will foot the bill for the both of them? Maybe crunch some numbers with him.

In the end, it is true that if this blows up or your dad starts to decline himself, you will be the one having to manage it. You must decide if you will manage his partner if he no longer can and no one from her family steps up.

Just make sure he has all his legal paperwork in place. If he's of sound mind there's nothing stopping him from making her -- or someone else -- his PoA, just FYI. I wish you all the best as you make decisions going forward.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You don't have to participate in his bad decisions. You also don't have to listen to him complain about her care, that is only her word and she has shown you what she is.

Ya know dad, I love you and you can do what ever you want, however, I will not be helping in any way, shape or form because I too can make my own decisions. I think that she will suck the life out of you and I refuse to help put you in that situation. If you do this, you do it solo.

Then back off and let him do whatever he can do, not what he can get you to do for him.

I would try to find him a nice lady friend that is able to participate in life with him.

Best of luck setting and enforcing boundaries with this situation.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

A father with a sound mind can’t be refused anything, he’s free to make his own decisions, even bad ones. If he’s determined to do this, and it sounds like he is, I’d try to make him believe or convince him to have you take care of his finances. He needs to be protected from a manipulator with dementia. The assisted living place can be forewarned not to let him do caregiving for her, she needs to pay her own way and receive her own care. Get everyone involved there onboard with the situation in advance, be kind to them, and they’ll likely be helpful to you in seeing that both are cared for and your dad isn’t doing it all. Be aware that she may require memory care, if so he can be nearby in assisted living if it’s a continuum of care type place. Make sure legal documents are in place and guard his money from her and any family she may have.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter