I'll try to describe this as concisely as possible. He is doting and codependent, but quite able-bodied; she is demanding, manipulative, and needy of help with even bathing and eating. The last time they lived together (in his own house last summer) it only took 2 weeks before he was passing out and falling down due to lack of sleep and lack of appetite from her constant requirements (real or imagined). Since last July, she has been in a great care home (a residential home with 4 other residents that has been in business for 25 years). He cries from missing her, especially since this lockdown, and rages about how the caregivers are not caring for her well enough. He talks to her on the phone every day, and they both are planning for this move to a different assisted living place where they can live together.
Of course I have advised him against moving in with her again, reminding him of what happened last time. He says he knows now how to deal with it better, and won't let himself get too overworked. Besides, the apartment together would be at an assisted living place, and she would get care from nurses, and they would each have life-alert buttons.
At this point, I'm so tired of his misery/complaining about the status quo (plus I just want my dad to have some happiness) that I'm starting to feel like maybe they SHOULD move into assisted living together. But I also know that the work of everything associated with move (even organizing the medical and mental assessments required by the new place) will be largely on MY shoulders. And then if it turns out to be a disaster, I'll have to clean up that mess too.
How do I refuse to enable my able-bodied, able-minded 82-year-old father to move if he wants to? And how do I deal with his complaints and sadness? I am open to any feedback. Thanks.