so my mom broke both hips, broke her pelvis, and this past December shattered her femur in the Caribbean.we have been traveling as a family for 30 or so years; she is a big fall risk, is very needy, can barely walk and needs 24/7 care along with a small amount of dementia.she is saying we are being cruel to her for not taking her away - to Jamaica.both family and the nurse that owns the aid agency we use say she should not travel.nothing i say to her makes her accept it.should mom travel?
Let all of her calls roll into voicemail. Call once a day.
Stop telling Mom about your plans, your travel and everything you plan on doing.
I see below you say Mom calls “ incessantly”.
Stop answering all Mom’s phone calls .
Let them go to voice mail .
Talk to her once a day that’s it .
If you work, tell her you can not answer your phone at work anymore .
Don’t let her browbeat you .
Is your wife willing to step in with some interference ? I had to do that with my in laws . Hearing NO from me ( the daughter in law ) often worked. They knew I wasn’t going to give in .
Maybe your wife is willing to be the bad guy and say “ No “ to your mom for a while . I was also more willing to fib to them . My husband did eventually learn boundaries and to not share as much and fib and say NO . in general .
We had similar travel requests from frail , always falling , in laws, as well as other ridiculous expectations.
"And that is what i said to her - maybe next year if you are better to travel. and like you said - unable to reason with - no i want to go this year.....i can go on and on about it. thank you for answering"
I love Burnts response to "I will die". This is how you really need to deal with needy, entitled people.
I think you only needed confirmation that its OK to say No. Vacations are times to wind down from every day stress. You don't take that stress with you. You want to enjoy not babysit. So, its OK to go on a trip without Mom. I hope she does not live with you. Nor, should she ever. Next time you plan a trip, tell her the day your leaving maybe from the car "Mom we are heading to Alaska, see you in a week".
“ Mom you are no longer mobile enough to travel safely .”
End of story . Do not discuss it .
You didn’t make her old. Stop letting her guilt trips get to you . It’s not your fault she can’t travel . I doubt your Mom dragged around an immobile parent on trips .
Go on your trip and have a good time .
Mom doesn’t need to know where you are or what you do. Stop telling her everything about your life.
Your mother sustained serious injuries on the last family vacation in the Caribbean. Do you think she should go on another trip? Common sense is the answer.
You cannot provide the level of care she needs to make travel safe for her. Bringing along a caregiver isn't enough to ensure her safety. It's not fair to expect the impossible from a caregiver. I did this line of work for 25 years and believe me, someone in the condition you describe your mother being in, cannot go on trips anymore.
There comes a time when a person has to accept their limitations. You mother cannot travel anymore. It is not cruel for you to say no to her going. It is selfish of her to not even give a thought to ruining everyone else's vacation with her care needs and safety risks.
You did not make her old, infirm, sick, or give her dementia. This is what her life is now and she needs to either accept that there won't be anymore travelling or spend the rest of her days resenting her family because they couldn't perform miracles. This doesn't have to mean she can't be taken out anymore like on day trips to places that don't involve flights and hotels if it's safe to take her.
originally she was fine with no one going - which she doesnt realize she would still be alone on NYE. there is no reasoning with her grr
Sadly it is time for many to give it up.
Until last year early January till March we travelled.
My husband has Parkinson but was fairly mobile at that time and always great traveller.
For years we travelled extensively, I think we took 40-50 trips for 25 years of being together and we travelled to far away places and we did have great adventures.
Last time, getting in and out of taxis became a problem occasionally. And he was exhausted and either sleepy or tired more than usual.
And realized it was time to give up traveling.
I already arranged respite stay for him for January so I can take a trip on my own.
Let her be mad and grieve that this part of her life is over. Surely it is a sad passing for her but oh well. Such is life.
Obviously, you can commiserate with her and let her know that you hear the sadness in her voice and that you are sure it’s a terrible loss for her to be at this point in her life.
But, no, she doesn’t go. She can be as mad and as sad about that as she wants to be.
Good luck.
You just tell her once that you're sorry but that she won't be going this time, but perhaps if she improves enough in the next year you will consider taking her.
And then you go and have a wonderful time with the rest of your family on your vacation.
Good luck.