Should little children be visiting a hospitalized patient? And how do we explain his condition to them?

Mary, I'm glad the visit worked out so well, due in no small part to your insightful handling of the situation, especially the pre-visit explanations.

🪴 U P D A T E 🪴

So this Sunday I took the children to see their grandfather.

Beforehand I had taken pictures of him in his bed with all the equipment and made a drawing to explain the functions of the machines to them. I had them run around the house so that they could feel the sensation of shortness of breath and understand better.

Friday they called him by FaceTime for 10 short minutes. They reacted well and were very very smiling, they asked all their questions. My dad was very moved to see them.

Sunday we arrived a little early so that I could show them around the hospital, the different parts and the garden.
When they got to the room my dad was asleep and I preferred to wait for him to wake up. 30 minutes later he woke up and the children sat on his bed, they hugged each other, my dad read them a story, they gave him pictures they had made and after talking a little of their week at school, of the future vacation, they left to let him rest. They stayed 45 minutes in total, with the 30 minutes my daddy slept.

On the way home they asked me more questions and we talked about what might happen after discharge from the hospital and the happy memories the three of them have.

So everything was fine and this is because of you. I wouldn’t had all those wonderful ideas without you so I really wanted to thank you !

XXX
Mary 🪴

There is really no way of knowing how they will react. I was extremely close to my grandparents. When I visited my grandfather in the hospital I was a teenager. It was upsetting me but I wanted to see him. The worst was when the day came that he didn’t recognize me. No one prepared me for that. I was terribly upset by that.

I saw my uncle in the hospital as a teenager. It made me sad but I wasn’t afraid. Same with seeing my mom in the hospital as a teen. My mom was very healthy in my youth, but needed a hysterectomy later on, and I went to see her. I was glad to see her. She was glad to see me. It wasn’t scary at all. She was joking with her nurse saying that she was glad to have a break from cooking! Hahaha 🤣 My mom and grandma were excellent cooks and actually enjoyed cooking but I suppose that it was nice for her to have a break. She cooked for six kids, four of her own and my two cousins that she and daddy took in after my aunt and uncle died.

When my dad was in the hospital my kids went to visit. They were very close to my dad. He lit up with joy when he saw them. They were glad to see him.

I think it depends on the circumstances and the children that are involved. I would not make it a long visit. I kept the visits to my dad short and sweet.

If he knows them yes. From personal experience my grandma was in the hospital on iv. You and I know iv is no big deal. However I was 3 years old when I saw her. She passed moot to long after that and I associated the iv with her passing.

I believe children will mirror your feelings and actions. Just like they do with table manners, and other things. If you are composed, they will be also. If you are having hysterics, they will have hysterics also. You teach them how to feel and react.

When my children were in the 8 to 10 year old range, my daddy, their beloved, very active in their lives, Grandpa. Became terminal with Mesothelioma. As far as I am concerned, it is one of the most horrible ways to go. He wanted to die at home and so we did that. We treated it as part of the normal circle of life. They would go in before school and tell him goodby, after school, they would sit with him and do homework and watch TV. I had girlfriends who didn't think it was good for them to see this. So, I asked them if they would feel better if Grandpa went to the hospital. Back in 1974 children couldn't go to the hospital. They both said 'No, if he went to the hospital, they couldn't see him". So they saw all the sad, tough, things that went on. We believe that this life is not all there is, and they will see Grandpa in the resurrection. Any medical supplies and equipment was explained in detail. ie: oxygen cannulas' etc. They were not scared, they are in their 50's now and have always handled life and death in a positive way. There is a funny story about their uncle's funeral that I will tell some other time.

When I was about 12, my cousin died. I was not allowed to go to the service, because it would, I don't know do something bad to me, I didn't even know where he was buried for years. I found the place after looking at several cemeteries. I had a hard time forgiving my mother for not letting me say Goodby to Billy. Billy was 8 and his sister was 3. She didn't even know where he was buried either. When I found his grave, I sent her a photo of the headstone and she cried and cried because she finally "found" him.

Imho, no, it is not a good idea to bring the children to the hospital to see their grandfather.

Maybe start with a photo of him in the hospital. Then you can talk about the machines without being in front of him. There are good kid books on hospitals and what doctors do.
Maybe "tour" around the hospital first, talk about the departments and what nurses do and how patients get meals.
Then to visit him, your children will have a context and background and can not be overwhelmed with smells and sounds and sights or unusual things.

If you decide to take the 4 y/o to visit, it might be helpful to explain what the "machines" are. In particular, if there is a display showing pulse and BP, it could be mentioned that it is sort of like a speedometer, except for the heart. Turning it into a "learning opportunity" might be helpful in taking the edge off fear or shock. I assume a 2 year old is not capable of understanding such things.

I would not bring young children to see their grandparent in the hospital when they are seriously ill & hooked up to tubes & machines. Not in a million years. It's a traumatic event for them, no matter how 'mature' you think they are, they are probably unable to handle the scene.

When I was 17, I went to see my mother in the hospital who was recovering from a hysterectomy (unnecessary) and lying in the bed with no tubes, no machines, no nothing. Just looking pale & playing up the drama big time. I am 64 now and still remember feeling traumatized by seeing her like that. If that helps you determine the 'right thing to do' in this case, great.

It may be a better idea to have a Zoom call or Facetime with grandpa and the older children for a few minutes to see how they react to him over a screen. Immediately shut it down if they get upset and tell them something went wrong with the connection.

I just don't believe in traumatizing our youth unnecessarily. Call me silly. There's a whole lifetime ahead of them to deal with reality, but for the very young, it's better to deal with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny while they still can. There's plenty of time for the reality of death and suffering to deal with in their future.

The youngest one may be to little to understand. Depending on the older child it may depend on how they handle other stressful things.

My dad's mom died of cancer while I and my brother were young. I was maybe 7 years old(my brother 5) - older than your children are. She lived several hours away in another state. We made a trip to see her while she was in the hospital. Having said that, we were too young to go to her hospital room (this was 60 years ago) but I clearly remember her coming to the lobby and visiting with us. It was the last time I ever saw her alive and I'm pretty sure that is why we went to visit her - though we were never told that she was dying. The thing I remember to this day were how bruised her arms were - I wasn't traumatized by it - but its a memory I associate with the visit. I am glad I got those last minutes with my grandmother.

I remember later that mom went to my grandmother to assist her. I was in the 2nd grade and I remember crying at my desk and told the teacher it was because mom left town - not that she was going to my grandmother - who at that moment I realized was dying (don't ask me how I knew this or even understood death - I know my parents didn't tell us). Mom came home; grandma was still living - my memory of the passage of time during this period is fuzzy but it was my first realization that grandma wasn't always going to be with me.

After she died (as I said passage of time is fuzzy but it was less than a year) I remember we went to the church for her funeral. I remember seeing her in her coffin and attending the funeral. It wasn't a negative experience nor positive - but my first limited experience of end of life. Yes, I was very sad to lose my grandmother - I was blessed to have 2 terrific grandmothers in my life.

Now granted my grandmother wasn't hooked up to machines. But maybe give a simple explanation of what the machines do for grandpa.

So sorry for what is before you, but you know your children.

I was very close with my Grandma on my dad's side when I was really young. When she went into the hospital, I was not allowed to go in to visit, I could only wait in the lobby while my parents visited. She passed away a short time later but I wasn't allowed to go into the funeral home for visitation or allowed to go to the funeral, as my parents were afraid of me seeing my grandma in the casket.

It's had as an adult to see someone you love and really care about hooked up to machines and barely hanging onto life. Years ago, here at least, you had to be 14 years of age to visit someone in the hospital, they told me 13 was too young and I couldn't go in. Experts now agree, everyone was wrong back then, I hear the news my grandma was taken by ambulance then my parents show me where she's buried in the cemetery with a big gap between here and there and no closure.

I don't feel children should be forced to do what they are not ready for, but if you explain their grandfather's condition, that he's really sick and needs rest, It can be very good for your father to see his grandkids and it will help them understand whats going on if they are allowed to see him.

Visits by children should be case by case. It depends on how well the know the person, their level of maturity and understanding, but you can always end the visit if you see it's not going well. We only have so many days to be on this earth and we never know when our time might unexpectedly come, so it would be good for the kids to see him while he's still around.

Tell them he is sick and what to expect - little tubes that go in his arms to give him medicine, etc. I wouldn't let the visit be long simply because it wears the patient out. So have another adult handy to remove them from the room when the short visit is over with them or if they want to leave the room Most little kids are fascinated by hospital equipment, but if one is scared - remove from the room. The older ones can ask to be excused if they aren't comfortable. He is asking and they are asking to see each other, so try it.

Don't over-think this. Let the kids go, with lots of pre-information about machines, iv's, big adjustable beds, etc. When they get there show them up close the aforementioned equipment. Chances are they will feel more comfortable with touching a tube, and beextremely fascinated with the positions of the bed. Don't hover. Let the kids figure some things about health and sickness themselves. Yes, give them permission to ask anything they want. On the way home, focus on happy memories with grandpa.

I have been the full-time babysitter for all my grandchildren during their pre-school years, and I have taken my granddaughters to see their mom in the hospital. They handled it well.
At this age, children can be very pragmatic. During these years they are learning about death and illness. They take ideas like "this chicken I am eating used to be a live chicken." in their stride, sometimes better than someone coming to the idea as at an older age.
Explain to them that there are lots of machines that help Granddad feel better. These machines make lots of different noises that show they are working just like a dishwasher makes noises that shows it is working. (Don't go into detail with the machines, they will only get confused.) Tell them beforehand whether they will be allowed to sit on the bed with Granddad. If they can get on the bed with Granddad, they and their grandfather will be comforted by the contact. They might notice a 'boo boo' where the IV goes into his hand. They should be gentle with it. The floor has lots of germs, so they cannot play on the floor or pick things off the floor. If you are OK with it, they can each have one examination-glove balloon. Keep the visit short so Granddad can have a nap and get well faster.

I think since your Dad wants to see them, the children should come for a short visit.
You could explain before hand about all the machines.
If you make light of it the children will be just fine.
They'll be curious and just tell them they can ask any question they want.
You might even take a picture of him in the Hospital bed with all the machines and let the kids see the pic beforehand.
The kids will follow your lead, if you act all anxious. sad, ect then they will too, they'll take their que from you.

I grew up in the era of children not being allowed in hospitals. I remember my parents taking me for window visits with sick relatives, with mom and dad taking turns going in. All this did was heighten my curiosity and concern about what was inside. In contrast, my children grew up going to both hospitals and the nursing home, they’ll all say that they’re glad to have had the experiences. Hard things are part of life, children learn empathy and care for others by seeing people in a hard place. They aren’t traumatized, they’re learning and growing as people. Likewise, while in high school, my classmates and I had a friend die. Many of my classmates were terrified of attending a funeral, having been shielded from them theIr whole lives. I’d gone to funerals my whole life and didn’t have the same dread and apprehension. I’d encourage visits, good for both patient and children

My mother died when I was 8 years old in the racially segregated wards of a pennyslvania hospital. They let me and siblings (7, 3) visit once. We all talk about how important that visit was to us and wish we had been allowed to visit more

Talk to the nurse in charge where he is. Ask if the hospital can have somebody prepare the children for the sights of their granddad: the machines, the noises, his appearance... Usually, there is somebody in pediatrics or a patient advocate that can help the children get used to all this before they see it attached to their beloved granddad.

You can explain his current health problem to the children rather easily. Ask them to run around at home until they are breathing hard. Have them stop and try to sing a song. It should be difficult until they catch their breath. Explain that grandfather is sick and it makes him feel like it is hard to breathe and talk at the same time (similar to them running around and getting out of breath). Explain that he is in the hospital to get medicine and treatments to make him better. Explain that since he is older and very sick, it will take awhile from him to be well enough for him to come see them. He would really like for them to go see him because he misses them.

Expect about a 15-20 minute visit with a representative from the hospital to explain all the machines and things before entering grandfather's room.

If your father is going to survive/recover and be able to come home - or get to the sitting in bed without tubes etc. then I would NOT take children until that time. It may be a couple of weeks and they want to see each other but hospitals can be traumatic places for your children, and grandfather should be able to understand that and not want them to have any future issues with hospitals - we never know what effect it is having on children - plus they may not recognise him with all the medical kit and that would be distressing for him as well as them. I am not sure who would be taking the children in to see Grandad as they are not your children, so maybe the decision isn't yours to make, but I would try and wait until Grandad is far more like his normal self and they can all enjoy a visit not take them in at the moment.

Your children are young and in my experience young children tend to see past a lot of these things, they have the time to form fears of machines and sick people and are often far less affected than we expect. Now it of course depends on the child and the situation, sounds like your father is in his way to recovery so it could be an important experience for them to see him there and have him return home. Personally I wouldn’t over explain it to them, I would tell them as they probably already know that he got really sick and needed the doctors to get better. The hospital has these great machines that help him breath so his body can heal and they can ask you any questions if they have them but Grandpa wants to see them so much and it will cheer him up up so much the doctors and nurses say it will help him to see them so if they want to go you can. Leave it at that and answer any questions as honestly as you can, even if you don’t know the answer say so and ask a nurse. If the hospital is ok with them going into see him they have some skill and experience with this.

In your prep try to stay away from what you think might be scary and over explaining things through your adult eyes just give them the basics in a positive upbeat way and be willing to answer any questions any time. You may find this was a bigger cloud to you than it was to them. They just miss their grandfather and want to see him and the longer they can’t the scarier it is.

You are so fortunate to have a hospital that allows this!

Have you googled "explaining Parkinson's to a child"? There are so many resources out there. Many tips from the best of hospitals, etc.

Could you set up a video chat first for them to see him where his face is the only thing visible? Then maybe a second video chat with a pan of the various equipment to prep them? This might give them an idea in 2 dimension before the reality. Just a thought.

My mom was at home to die and had oxygen on. She was still responsive. I went to help my dad care for her for those final days. My son who was 6 at the time came for a couple of days. He went to her bedside and said goodnight but wouldn't hug her. I could see the hurt in her eyes. As I put him to bed I told him I noticed he hadn't and I'd never make him hug anyone if he didn't want to, but wondered why he hadn't. "I didn't like that green thing in Grandma's nose". It was the oxygen tubing. Shame on me, (nurse) not having explained it to him ahead of time. After I did, he spontaneously jumped out of bed, ran down to her room, up on her bed to give her a big hug goodnight.

My son was part of the whole process. I took him to the cemetery where she was to be buried next to my older brother and told him what the service and burial would be like and that yes, even 8 year olds die. He grew up to become a funeral director. The head of the program said that kids who did not grow up in the family business but chose to become a funeral director, did so due to a good experience around death and dying.

Kids learn to handle life by watching how we experience the good and challenging. When we shield them from everything, they don't have the skills to deal with emotional challenges themselves later in life. With your support and understanding, use that to decide.

Trust your instincts. With good explanations, many kiddos can handle situations many adults cannot.

Mary, if you decide to take them for a short visit, perhaps you could prepare them by making a drawing of grandpa in his bed with all the tubes, drips and the mask. Explain how each of the tubes is helping him feel better. You could do a dummy run at home, with someone (DH? An adult friend? The youngest child?) lying on a flat surface and you show them where the tubes will come from. The object is for them to recognise Grandpa, and not to be overwhelmed by all the strange things they are not expecting. Yours, Margaret

I started to say not to take the 2 and 4 year old but I won't. It brought to mind my oldest when she was five. She loved my SILs father and he her. She called him by his last name and he loved it. He died of a massive heart attack. I was going to take her to the funeral but my MIL and others did not think it was a good idea so I didn't. My daughter made him a heart and I placed it on his coffin. I have regretted that decision. So when my Aunt died my youngest was 6 and she loved my Aunt and I took her to the funeral which was Catholic and a mass. I am saying this because Catholic mass funerals are long. We took her up to see the coffin and then sat in the back. After it was over, a woman came up to us and said she had never seen a child so quiet. By this time my oldest was 14.

You know your children. You pretty much know how they will react. Sometimes they take things in stride as long as someone is not making a big thing out of it. For my oldest I kept her from saying goodbye to someone she loved.

My amazing grandson is a part time wheeler, and before the Pandemic, he went often to my LO’s MC.

He’s accustomed to hospitals (from birth) and had no qualms about being there, and most of the residents and THE STAFF, enjoyed seeing him in his tiny wheelchair.

Every situation is unique. If a child is the slightest bit frightened or anxious, I don’t think a visit should EVER be FORCED.

If the child or the resident (either of them) REQUEST a visit, a picture of the resident should be showed to the child first, and the child should be told that the doctors/caregivers are doing things that will keep LO SAFE and COMFORTABLE.

If EITHER the childOR the resident does NOT want an in person visit, photos, FaceTime, or videos are a possible option.

My grandfather died in a hospital when I was 10. I LONGED to see him, and I guess to “protect” me and because the hospital was more than an hour away, my parents never took me. The memory is still pretty fresh, after 65 years.

If you know the child and you know the resident, decide based on what works best for everyone concerned. No more than 10-15 minutes in any situation. But those 10 minutes CAN mean a lot for both.

Could be pretty traumatizing to kids so young. Hospitals are scary places. I wouldn't risk it if they were my kids.

Please don't take them. Your dad may not even realize how bad he looks, plus being in bed in a gown, wearing oxygen (I assume) and a weak voice are a recipe for some freaked out children. Grandpa in a weakened state isn't a good thing for them to see.

My dad had surgery at 65 and was in the hospital for five days. When he came home, he looked so awful that I said to my husband, "I know what he's going to look like when he's dead."

He didn't die for another 23 years, but I was spot-on.

Under 10s are tricky, so boisterous.

But as Grandpa has asked to see them, IF they can be made to sit quietly for 5 mins - do that. A QUICK visit. He probably just wants to see their faces. (No-one usually wants squirmy kids jumping on their beds 😉)

My daughter (10ish) was always a polite visitor, but told us years later it freaked her out & now she will never go willingingly to any health place. My son just tried to tamper with bed brakes, walking frames, push anything with wheels & ask awkward questions about toileting.

It really depends on the family I think.

IMO there are just too many variables to consider to give an absolute yes or no answer. Whether the kids find it frightening depends as much on you own attitude and reactions as on how strange he looks, I think often very little ones can take it all in stride in a way that older kids can't because they don't understand the possible implications. If/when you take them in you need to know the time of day he is most apt to be at his best (for his sake as well as for the kids), and you have to be prepared to have a very, very short visit - 10 to 15 minutes max - and be willing to cut out even sooner if things go sideways. Take along a story or special toy they can share with him (or something that they would normally do together).
One option that has been popular throughout the pandemic is visiting by video chat, and that might be a better option for everyone.

A 10 year old is a world away from a 2 and 4 year old.

And having a dying mom is a world away from having a decling grandpa...

Gma1954, I am so sorry you endured the loss of your mom at such an early and critical age.