Should I visit my mom if she refuses to see me when I arrive?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You will not get back the loving mother that you knew and loved. There are tears in my eyes as I type this.

If you take a selfie and one of the nurses presents the picture to her, how does she react to the picture?

Does she recognize you? Could you be someone else like a fellow church member or a dear old, old friend? When you say she refused to see you, how is the person who is asking her, identifying you? Are they calling you, her daughter? If so, change the relationship to "friend"? or does she recognize you by face? if she recognizes your face, then say "that is nice", or "what a coincidence". I find that my mother is unable to process relationships anymore.

If you don't want to visit, don't visit. However, if you feel compelled to see her, find out how they are asking her for permission and change the "introduction" to be someone else. If you are visiting only once a month, chances are she doesn't remember you from visit to visit. On the other hand, I cannot accurately predict what my mother will remember and what she won't.

Either way, stay on top of her care to ensure she is properly cared for.

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Do you work in a pregnancy termination service? Or does she think you do? It’s quite a bizarre belief! If that’s behind it, tell her that you work to ‘make sure that every baby is a wanted baby with a good home waiting for them’. Repeat, repeat!

When did this behavior start and what was going on around that time? Has she told you why she thinks you are a killer? Would she still know if you changed your appearance somewhat when you visit her (wear a wig, different clothes, different perfume, etc.)?

This is such a sad situation. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

I wouldn’t visit if it is upsetting to her. I would ask the staff how she is doing.

If I wanted to see how she is for myself, I would stay out of sight and look at her from a distance.

This is so tough. I would wonder if she has forgotten that she had a daughter permanently or if one day that she will remember.

Has the staff spoken to her about you? If so, what does she say?

I'd give it a break for now, but this could be a phase of her dementia that may pass. My mother's behavior changed as her dementia progressed, and some things she'd do would stop after a while.

I hope this will be the case with your mom.

Go visit mom, but don't let HER know you're there, in other words. Go to the nurses area and ask them how she's doing. Then observe your mother while she's interacting, doing activities or eating, etc. Cast your eyes upon her so you can see for yourself how she's doing and looking; if she's wearing clean clothing and tended to properly by the staff. This also lets the staff know you're involved with her care and will not stand for anything less than good care and treatment from them.

Perhaps in time, this phase will pass over and mom will see you for the loving child you truly ARE. My mother died of dementia too, and said some of THE most foul things to me as she progressed. Things no child should ever hear come out of a mother's mouth. We all lose with AD/dementia; you lose, I lose, our mom's lose, it's a terrible disease that wreaks havoc & destroys everything in its path. It's easy for me to say 'oh let all that hateful vitriol she shows you roll off your back' but in reality, it cuts to the bone. I often wondered if mom's TRUE feelings were finally coming out towards me once her dementia removed that mask she wore her whole life.

I'm sorry you're going through such a gruesome experience. You have my compassion and empathy, for sure. Wishing you the best of luck 'visiting' your mom w/o her knowledge. At least that will save you *hopefully* from being thrust into a state of sadness and depression that lasts for days. Maybe just a good cry after you leave? That's what I did.

If you want to see her I would time your visit for a Lunch or Dinner time when she is occupied and will not see you. You can observe her and not disturb her.
If she is doing well and if seeing you upsets her this might be as good as it gets for you at this point. Keep in mind that phases and "quirks" or obsessions can wane as the person declines so this may pass.

I am really lucky that my mom did not suffer from much dementia. She'd call it "foggy brain" and that's a pretty apt description.

If I went to see her, she always and I mean, ALWAYS would ask if I have seen or talked to the 3 sibs who were on the periphery but not really in the 'mix' It hurt to know that she cared so much more for a visit from them than from me.

When she would get really foggy and forgetful, I would usually cut my visits short and cry on the way home. There was literally nothing else to do. My sibs all wondered why I cared so much, and I think that it was due to the fact I was kind of starved for affection, the kind only a mom would have. I didn't get that from her. Ever.

She passed in late August and it's been, what 5 months? I don't feel so raw, but I also don't feel complete. I know it will take a long time.

Oh, how I hope and pray God takes me before I forget who I am.

One thing I have always done and will always do is to never part on bad terms with any of my kids. It's a super challenge, b/c sometimes I really DON'T feel a lot of love for them--but of course I DO adore them to pieces. Mom never did that. You were always only as good at your last 'at bat' and we were like oil and water.

I know peace is possible and I strive for that.

And I agree: Dementia is from Satan himself.

I also agree no visits. It upsets her and also you. You are also important and i can imagine how devastating it is for you to be called a murderer and baby killer by your mother.

Interesting and horrific fact about dementia the demented person can sometimes relive traumatic memories from the past so she may be reliving an incident from her past and you represent whatever this thing is in her mind and when she sees you it triggers this memory from something that could have happened when she was a child. Not necessarily to her but someone she knew or knew of.

Is this always the case? If, say, a Social Worker were to show her pictures of you and ask "This is your daughter G.; She would like to come see you. Is that OK" would she always and consistently say no and react with fear and anxiety? If that is the case then I would suggest that no, you should not visit with her.
I think you may like to visit her facility if you are her only child and her POA. That you would like to see her care. But I would avoid her directly.

I posted below in the thread but after reading about your heartbreak, your replies to posters below, and all your efforts to overcome this crazy thinking, accusations and rejection from your mom, all I can think is:

Dementia is a disease straight from the pit of h*ll!!!!
Stealing the mind, but leaving the body! It's simply tragic.

I agree, no visits for now. Hopefully as the Dementia progresses, that thought will disappear. But, I would check in every so often so the staff knows there is family.

I would stop these visits they are doing nothing but upsetting everyone. Let her be, call the home and check on her on a regular basis.

Sounds like visiting benefits no one and is upsetting to both of you. I’d stay away.

Wow...that's tough. She tells the staff she doesn't want to see you because you are a baby killer? Or tells you this to your face?? I know you can't reason with dementia patients but I'm curious what happens if you try to say Mom, I'm not a killer of babies, I'm your son/daughter named __(insert name)___. Is there any recognition of you? How long has this been going on? Were you able to visit her 6 mo's ago for example?

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. No doubt you leave in a state of sadness and depression!! Can you possibly get your hands on an old photograph of her and you together and have it put up in her room. A photo she would potentially recall from somewhere back in time? Even if it has other family in it. Then you could possibly say, no mom, this is me, see here in this picture. Here's you, here's me...I'm your son/daughter. I really don't have experience with an advanced dementia sufferer so perhaps this wouldn't work. I'm just grasping at straws for some way you can overcome this situation. I wouldnt just give up and walk away. Have you engaged the staff or management at the facility on this matter? They may have some suggestions or be able to help overcome this. I do agree with Funkygrandma about things changing with dementia and we read all the time how it can change overnight. By entirely staying away, it may be harder to ever meaningfully connect with her again. Or, it could go the other way. I'd work on ways to overcome her belief that you are a murderous killer of babies. I really understand how difficult this has to be for you. Hoping you can work this out.

My experience, when my Daddy would get upset when I visited him, I would just leave. I did not need him to be upset and yes my feelings were hurt. Just check in with the staff, make sure she is fine and leave it. Also, you may want to request them to test her for a UTI. UTI's affect older patients differently. When I went to visit my Daddy one time he thought I was trying to poison him. I asked the staff to test him for a UTI - BAM! that was the problem. They gave him antibiotics and within two days I was the best daughter ever!! Blessings

No, since your assessment is that it’s doing you more harm than good. As long as you keep in touch with the staff and get updates from them, you’re doing enough. You might drop by once a month or whatever you deem beneficial and observe her from afar. You don’t have to make contact unless it seems like a good idea at the time.

I think it's really up to you if you want to continue to put yourself through it. Perhaps just try going once a week, and if she starts in you can just leave. Or you can just go once a week and just lay eyes on her without her actually seeing you, and you can observe from afar.
You must remember that with Alzheimer's things change on a regular basis, so though she may be this way now, in time that will change and she may welcome your visit.
And even if she doesn't remember who you are she will hopefully come to the point of knowing that you are at least someone who loves her and cares about her.
Dementia sucks, no ifs ands or buts, BUT our loved ones still deserve to know that they are loved.
So I would hang tight as this too shall pass. Here's to hoping the next phase will be easier for you to deal with.