Should I tell my elderly mother I'm seriously ill?

Dear Coleyne, I am so sorry to hear of your serious illness.

I wish you strength and courage for whatever comes.

I, personally, feel that before you consider telling your mother anything about your health issues, you must make sure you arrange for your mother’s future while you still have the ability, for example who will take over POA if you become unable to tend to and make decisions for your mother?

You will need to alert your mother’s long term care facility as to the situation if or when you need to transfer responsibility to someone else.

When your mother’s future situation has a clearly defined path, then you will be able to discuss your own ill health with her, if you think she can handle the news. I believe loving mothers will sense or know when something is wrong with their children, no matter what the age. If you think she can absorb the truth at the time of telling, then yes do inform her.

Don’t forget to arrange your own POA, POLST, etc while you are still able.

Then, when your own and your mother’s legal loose ends are tied up, you will be able to spend all your energy on fighting your own health battles, which I will pray you win easily and swiftly.

Miracles can happen, and I hope you get one.

Only you know your mom. And how she'll react.

When I developed cancer, once we had a 'plan' as to treatment, we had a group family meeting with the out of staters brought in on ZOOM. Just told the adults and let them decide how to handle this with their kids. Some of the g-kids were very young, some were teens.

I told my mother one day on a visit to her. She is not demented, she's just old and forgetful and kind of narcissistic.

She looked at me and said "Oh, well, no one lives forever". And proceeded to tell me about her friend who has a myriad of health complaints...not a word as to what my TX looked like, etc.

I left within 15 minutes, sat in my car and cried for the mother-love I never had and never will have.

I did not speak to her for 18 months following. The entire length of my treatment. She never called me once, didn't send a card, didn't ask any one in the family if I was OK. Never.

After I was 'done', I went to see her. My hair had begun to grow back, but I still looked pretty bad.

What does Mother say to me? After 18+ months of silence?

"oh, you used to be my prettiest child!"

Every mom is different. Every mom acts in a way that's unique to them. I was hurt beyond measure by both her and my MIL's reaction "(Oh, so how long before she dies? she asks my DH).

Looking back, I would not even grace either of these women with my 'health issues'. Just because someone is your relative, it means nothing if they cannot be there for you, even in the most miniscule sense of the word.

I no longer have any semblance of a relationship with my MIL. My relationship with my mother is almost nil. And I imagine it will be until the day she dies.

FWIW--I filled the 'need' for 'mothering' with friends and people who cared about me. Life is too short to be involved in negative relationships.

I hope, for your sake, your mother is loving and supportive.

I may tell her your very ill so she might not be seeing her as much because of treatments. Only tell her what you think she can process. Keep it very simple. At this point I don't think u should try and explain how serious it is.

I am so sorry for your diagnosis.

OMG...
I think you should tell her that you are not well.
If she asks you can tell her that it is serious.
Does she have a support system other than you? Who will tell her if you die before she does. (and it sounds like this is possible and it pains me to write this out)
How do you think she will handle it? Will she understand, will she retain the information for a while?
Are you on Hospice? If so you might want to ask the Chaplain and or the Social Worker how you should handle the situation. They may even be willing to sit and talk to your mom.
If she will not retain the information for long I do not think there is a point in telling her how serious your illness is. It would be enough to tell her that you are not well.
🙏

If you have children, would you want to know if one of them were very ill and dying? I'm guessing you would, so I would most certainly let your mother know about your illness. She's your mother. Let her be there for you best she can.

And may God's peace and comfort be with you as you travel this health journey.

You could tell her you have an illness, but don’t imply or say flat out that you might die. It will only upset and worry her.

I am so sorry to hear your news. You must be very frightened. Have you tried every possibility including clinical trials? I don’t know what you have so am unaware of any physical pain you might have. If you tell your mother you might be looking for empathy because she is your mother and didn’t you always go to her for help when you were a child? The problem is that you will be disappointed because old people, with or without dementia, are wrapped up in themselves. Her response to your telling her about you illness might be initial upset but underneath it might feel like, “then who’s gonna take care of me?” You have to decide what feels most comfortable for you. This is the time for you to take care of yourself since what you are experiencing cannot be understood by anyone else really. You must be a really kind person to be thinking of her needs at this time but this is your time. Listen to music, get care, pray if you are religious and do deep breathing exercises. When you are ready, choose hospice. I really hope it is a false alarm.

If it were me, and I knew I had limited time left on this earth, I would tell my mom what I wanted to say to her. If you want to tell her how much she means to you or talk about specific instances in your life where she was there for you or thank her for being a great mom if appropriate....those types of things. But, I would not tell her I was sick and dying if I were you. She is not mentally sound. She may not react at all, she might get hysterical, she might remember bits and pieces of it and not remember that it's you who is sick. My mom gets things twisted in her head all the time. What is the benefit in stressing her with that information. Hopefully you have family who can jump in to help your mom when you are no longer able to do it. You might want to start bringing them with you on visits now so that she is used to them coming...that way there is no abrupt change in visitors.

I am sorry you are sick Coleyne. I hope you have friends and or family to support you during this time.

Prayers.

I'm very sorry to hear that you are seriously ill, and wish the best for you and your mother. If your mother is not of sound mind, I wouldn't tell her anything about possible future events. If you are still able to visit her, make the time positive and quality time. Keep telling her that you love her and your good memories of her and your times with her. You don't mention if there are other family members who can take over her care and tell her when the time comes. I hope there are. Try to get her affairs (and yours) in order if you are her POA. A big hug to you both.

I'm very sorry to read your post.

I expect you already have plenty to deal with. I tend to lean strongly towards sharing information, but maybe somebody else can support your mother with this news? I should start with whoever leads her team at the facility, who can then be ready to explain if, for example, you can't visit when you normally do or as often as you normally do.

Is your mother aware of your illness at all?