Should I tell her (98, no memory) she has dementia? She is so confused. Last night she just sat and looked at me. I don't know anything.

This wasn’t your question, but it’s perhaps concerning that your 98 year old grandma came to live with you just last month, when you don’t seem to have a lot of experience with aged care and dementia. Do you want to say how that happened, how you are going generally with the situation, whether you have help, and whether you want any more information? It’s your business of course, but it does ring a few alarm bells.

You are new on the site, so you may not yet know your way around it. If you click on Care Topics on the top right of the screen, you come up with an alphabetic list for topics. Then click on D for Dementia if you want to read about that. The topics cover articles by professional, and then archived questions and discussions from other people in the past. It’s a quick and easy way to learn about everything from Medicaid to constipation! Good luck for now, Margaret

It is very nice of you to take in your grandmother. It sounds like perhaps this was thrust upon you with little/no warning. Who was caring for her before? Why did no one explain her situation?

Short term memory is going to impact remembering where she sleeps and where the bathroom is. About all you can do is guide her there. As others noted, being in good health and still able to use the bathroom is a good thing! She sounds like she's not hard to deal with, just has memory issues.

Also note that moving disorients people who have cognitive issues. If she left a home that she'd been in for many many years, she might have been okay navigating, but now she's moved and with short term memory loss, she can't retain the information.

So, it this considered a permanent move? Will she stay with you until the end? That could end up being a few years. Are you able to do that? When she needs more physical help, can you provide it? If you have a job, are you working from home, so you can be there? If so, will you have to return to work when lock downs are removed? If so, who will be there with her? She clearly can't be left home alone.

No, telling her isn't going to be helpful.

Be thankful that she remembers to use the bathroom and is willing to go to bed. Imagine having to toilet her or change her diapers. Imagine her screaming that she needs to go home so she can go to bed.

I know this is hard but, you have to look for the blessings in everything that you do with and for her.

My grannie was able to enjoy a coca-cola, playing toss with a stuffed animal and going for walks. She couldn't ask for the bathroom and she couldn't get out of her wheelchair to use it if she could, 2 person assist as she was dead weight. However, making her laugh was the best thing ever. She could only live in the moment and that is where your grandma is. Try to make the moments memorable for you.

If you feel like you have taken on more than you imagined, that's okay, you must speak up and get her into the care that will be best for everyone. If not, you both will suffer needlessly.

It's difficult at first for you to get used to your grandmother being different and not able to remember anything. Your interactions with her have to be different now too. Try step by step instructions on how to do things when you notice she is confused. When long term memory is gone too, it's especially hard to connect, but there might be a few things you can help her remember. Photos of family and friends, even if they are gone and you never knew them, might spark memories for her. It's good she can still get around the house by herself and use the bathroom. Read all you can about dementia and you will learn to get into her new world with her. Something I'd like to suggest is to touch her with affection often, rub her feet and hands, etc. During the covid lock downs with no hugs, foot, hand, body massages, and few physical connections, have left many of our elderly loved ones in a bit of a fog. I've noticed that I can bring my mom back into the world from her stares into space by getting out the lotion and massaging her feet and hands and arms, then gently stroking her face. She'll smile and say "that feels so nice".

A few simple questions:   will it help her to know that she has dementia?  And how will it change anything?

It won't do you or her any good to tell her, as she won't remember it anyway. Your best course of action would be to educate yourself on dementia and all it entails. Teepa Snow has some great videos on You Tube, and the book The 36 Hour Day is a great resource as well.
When someone has dementia/Alzheimer's it's important that those caring for them enter their world, and just go along with whatever they say or do. It can be challenging for sure, but in the long run it will keep the peace. Bless you for taking care of your grandmother. You must be a very special grandchild.