Teeavilnor Asked February 2021
Should I take my Mother to her Granddaughter's wedding?
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She has LBD, is totally dependent on me doesn’t know who she is. I would have to ask someone to help assist me to bring her to the bathroom to change her diaper. Someone would have to hold her up, maybe 2 people would be safer. Cannot stand or walk, cannot eat regular (I feed her baby food or mashed food, she has no teeth) food, I have to feed most of the time. And she constantly coughs while eating.
She hates her wheelchair that she will have to stay in for a few hours. And I’m not sure she would understand what is going on and might burst out yelling something as she sometimes does. And I know I would not be able to enjoy myself at all. And if I put her in respite as I planned I would feel she was safe.
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My first thought when I read this question was, it is the bride and groom’s day!
They are placing a lot of planning into their special day.
Show mom photos. She can share in that way.
Best wishes to all of you!
I've been in homecare a long time and had a full-time client with LBD who was invalid like your mother. Believe me when I say, there is no way to change a a loaded diaper in a public bathroom stall whether someone can stand or not matter how many people are assisting, and there will be a mess. I made the mistake of trying to (with assistance). It will not go well. Don't risk that in the bathroom of a beautiful wedding venue. None of the guests at the wedding should be put off their dinners watching an invalid slopping mush down the front of a bib. Feeding is a messy affair every time you feed. I know what a mess it is and I was doing it under ideal conditions.
Don't bring her to the wedding. It will not be a good time for her, you, or anyone else who's there.
I like what 499HopeFloats wrote about youth and their 'love conquers all' mentality... when you're young, healthy, and are full of optimism all things are possible and the world is a great place. But the bride would still be undoubtedly upset if your mom caused a disturbance during the wedding ceremony (constant coughing? uncontrolled shouting?).
Leave mom at home where she is comfortable and have no guilt about it... you are doing her a kindness. But make a party for her later- take her some wedding cake and cookies, buy some balloons, and have a celebration in her room while you watch the video and have fun. Perhaps the new couple could join you as well.
In my experience, the grandchildren are often the ones who push to have the grandparent there. They are usually young and have that “love conquers all” mindset. Their wedding is everything to them, understandably.
They still have their grandparents idealized and don’t see the decline in its entirety. It is hard to be the one that has to say no. (I am relatively confident there is still a niece/nephew or two that still resents us/me for having to make that decision.) There are ways to be firm, but kind to a child when telling them that grandma will be staying back. It is for grandma.
If she doesn’t really know who she is AND has all of those deficits, it would not be kind to take her. But, it would also be taking the day from you as mother of the bride. You deserve that time to be free to laugh and love on your daughter/family/friends.
We lose the ones we love and what is left is not your Mother and the bride's grandmother; what is left is a living shell kidnapped from her life.
I would not give this 2 seconds thought. I doubt she will even be much interested in wedding pictures.
I know how sad this may seem. If you feel this is crucial for some reason or your granddaughter does, then there must be the "escape hatch" of easy removal back to her long term care. This is my personal opinion, and I understand that thoughout this day of celebration the family will have thoughts of this loss, but this loss is a fact.
A wedding day is the day a couple has a right to lay aside all of life that is real, a day to hopefully be the prince and princess in the fairytale. If it is the bride and groom assisting Mom come I would have a serious talk with them about the realities of life they do not need in their faces on this day of celebration.
I wouldn't give this a thought where your Mom is concerned. I would embrace the hope and love the day represents, and lock out reality for at least one day.
IN answer to the question you’ve asked, my answer is “NO, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you even consider subjecting your mother to this activity”.
That said, has ANYONE having to with your grand daughter’s wedding suggested that you SHOULD take your mother? If so WHY? Whose experience at the wedding would be enriched by having her there?
In YOUR situation, I would pursue respite services, go to the wedding g and enjoy every minute of it, the come home and consider what should be done to give both you AND your mother the safest and best life going forward.
If you FIND she is peaceful and comfortable and SAFE in respite care, you may decide that residential care is a good permanent situation for her.
ENJOY THE WEDDING!
I remember back when one of my client's husband died. She had LBD and was completely dependent on caregivers. No matter how much I explained friends didn't understand why I couldn't take her to the funeral because she was small and thought that transporting and caring for her must not be all that hard. That's when I knew the only way they could understand why it was impossible for her to go was if they were given a practical lesson.
I didn't expect them to put her in the car because that was impossible because she couldn't sit up. On a good day maybe she could be 15 to 20 minutes at a time in the wheelchair.
They came by one afternoon a couple days before the funeral. It was good timing too. It was right before lunch and she was in bed (she took a mid-morning nap every day). The whole place stank because she had a full load in her diaper too and it was all over her, her clothes, and her bedding.
I told the old biddies to go ahead. Get her cleaned up, change her diapers and clothes, and get her into the wheelchair. They got all flustered and ran to the other room. Then they understood why she couldn't be taken to the funeral. All this could happen in church or in the funeral home. There's no hospital bed and wash basin available to take care of it.
Respite is a great idea.