DD with dementia has been in MC since January. He has had short supervised trips on a shuttle to PT and doctor visits, but I haven't had the emotional strength to sign him out and bring him to my house, or to take him outside the facility bc it is only a block from where he lived and he will want to revisit the house. I've asked the private pay care givers to take him out for walks but they are also hesitant due to the proximity to his home. He still wants to "escape", but this desire has become less prominent than it was when we first moved him. My brother visits with his family once every summer and will want to bring Dad to my house like we have in the past. Bringing him to my house will be like ripping the scab off a wound that may never heal. I will be the one left to get him back into the MC routine and will suffer if he refuses to go back to MC or returns to obsessing about leaving MC. I DO want my brother and his family to visit Dad, but DD still has the capacity to recognize that he isn't invited to my home. In fact, "being left out" is a huge component of his paranoia and hallucinations, as he repeatedly believes he is seeing full page ads in the newspaper where my husband has invited "lists of people out the driveway" to our home but has excluded him (he has always previously been included and I have only a small family). I fear there is no easy way through this.
Second, you know it will be far too disruptive to Dad.
So there is your answer. Your borther and his family can visit Dad at his care facility.
What does this MC offer in the way of dining rooms, communal areas, gardens/grounds?
Her 90th birthday was about 4 months into her stay.
Since we all felt very strongly that it was in her best interests to remain at the facility rather than be taken ANYWHERE during her adjustment period, we invited a cordial group of family and other people close to her to a party in a social room at her residence.
She loved the party and seeing all of us together, and her long adjustment continued until she became a peaceful and cordial participant in her MC activities.
You and your brother can arrange a pleasant visit with Dad without leaving the comfort of his residence, playing up “We’ve brought the party TO YOU, DAD, because’ you’re SO SPECIAL TO ALL OF US!”
The worst thing I ever did while previously taking care of my mother, was to take her for a ride past the home she’d lived in for the 50 years prior to her fall.
I NEVER FORGAVE MYSELF for “picking the scab”.
You and your brother have Dad’s interests at heart. If you lovingly consider what’s best for him in the long run, you’ll be on the right track.
Your brother will now visit your father where everyone else does. Your brother clearly is not educated about Dad's condition whatsoever. He also is not in charge.
You can flower this up with "Oh, no, I couldn't possibly allow that" OR you can just say "NO. N-O. NOT happening".
I am assuming you are POA for your Father, or guardian. Even if you are not, your home is your own. It would be unimaginably cruel to do this to your father. You are responsible for protecting him from this sort of "uninformed and mistaken" action (I am truly struggling not to say "stupid".
I wish you the best. Embrace your duty. Protect you Dad from this.
Not to mention that you will not have to clean up after a large gathering.
Most people in MC will not want lots of people, extra noise, confusion for any length of time.
Arrange a gathering at the MC, talk to them about a space where XX number of people can gather and have a meal. Ask if there is an outdoor area as well that you can have access to.
And to make it even easier order trays from a local place or pizza so you don't have to cook. (ok maybe a few desserts that dad really likes)
If this does not work with the MC facility look for a local park that you can use a picnic area and do the same for food. Make it a park that is not real close to the house. But with a park that will also give little kids something to do while adults talk. But if you do this be prepared to take dad back early. And make sure that there is ground that will be easy for him to walk on.
This was based at least in part by my experience driving mom from rehab to her new AL/MC. She had been dxed with dementia, but we weren't really up to speed with what that meant.
Mom, seated in the front seat with ny DH, tried to wrest the steering wheel from him.
As we pulled up to the facility, I got out and told POA bro that wherever mom went from now on, it would be in an ambulette or other medical tracalming.
Those lovely car rides she used to enjoy? Nope, her brain no longer experienced them as calmimg.
I had a problem making my DH realize that I was not taking my Mom back to her house to "see it". I was one of the lucky ones. Mom adapted to living with me, to the AL and then LTC. Never asked to go home so I was not rocking the boat. Because as you say, you are the one that has to deal with him not brother.
*Want* ??? Whatever..
He can want what he likes but DO what your Farther NEEDS.
Brother has to accept your Father has health, safety, physical & medical needs that need to be met. For HIS sake.
(Especially considering the high escape risk).
Brother will have to CHANGE his expectations. So you will.. it's another situation/tradition that has to change.
Dad lives in MC. That is where to visit him. So bring the cheer & family to him !