My answer is the same. NO! I have been taking care of my mom for 7 years, now, also, and with no help as I am the only surviving sibling. It has taken away my life and broken my spirit. Once you take on the responsibility, it is difficult to disappoint them and send them away. My mom is 98 years old, now, and I keep thinking and hoping it will not be much longer, however, her heart is strong and she survives everything, and her dementia is relentless. You must follow your hear, but, beware! Love, Hugs, and Strength to you and God Bless!
I did it for 7 years unless you have a wonderful family who will help you,my answer would be no unless you want to give up your life to take care of her, as hard as it seems once we take on that role of caregiving our own lives become non existent, will keep you in my prayers
Congratulations on asking yourself that question before the time is here! There are three questions caregivers and potentail caregivers should ask themselves. Can I do this? Am I willing to do this? and most importantly, Am I the best person to do this? A no to any of these questions should set off alarm bells.
At any rate, now is the time to discuss this with your mom. She may have entirely different views on how to move forward than you assume. It is also the time to begin putting together a care-circle so that the entire responsibility does not rest on your shoulders. Even if you have no relatives you can build a care circle with neighbors and friends. Most importantly, no is the time to become your mother's care partner; helping her make choices, defininf what you are able to do and what you are not able to do and planning for the future. These are important discussions to have as soon as possible.
Do what is in your heart! If you want to care for your Mom, if you can care for YOURSELF and remain a healthy and happy person... then you should. If you can't then you will know that in your heart, too. Listen to your heart, because at the end of time, you should feel good about the choices you make.
The best advice I got from this site was when someone told me to hug my mom and tell her I love her every day that I could, because one day ... I would not be able to do that any more. That cost me nothing. I tried it... I got to do that almost every day.
Now mom is gone and I will never be able to do it, but I know that she knew that she was loved. There are so many other hard questions, but that was the MOST helpful advice I ever got. Sometimes the simplest things help the most.
I hope you can hear what your heart is telling you to do (and I hope it is telling you to be sure you are taking good care of yourself first and then helping others with your strength and good health and in happiness).
Okay so I call to see how my mother is doing in her nursing residential care. She is with retired nuns and priests, this could not be a better environment for her, she is in her glory, my mother is so into this culture, she is happy and wanted to show them how she can step dance, me I have been agonizing, what is wrong with this picture. The point is this, she wants and needs constant attention, she is getting it and in and surrounded by religious extremely religious people. She had a beautiful opportunity for her own large bright room, on the garden, with her ensuite and own tv, she wanted to be in a room with others. She needs attention and structure, and guess what she is happier than she'd ever be at home.
The fact that you're asking yourself this now, is very wise. Being honest with yourself about what you feel you'd be able to do and not do is good preparation. Be prepared, even if you make the choice to be the caregiver, life happens and plans can change. My dad is in nursing care now, I had no choice after a severe sepsis infection from a procedure gone very wrong this summer. Three years ago I said I'd take care of my dad when he got to that point, that was when I had other people I knew would be there to support me. One has passed from cancer now, another has had several surgeries, cannot drive and needs care herself (both I've taken care of), and my one sibling tucked tail and ran. I've taken care of three people I love in the last two years. Dad is a big guy who cannot walk or even stand, has moments of dementia, there's no way I can physically lift him. There's no way I could take care of him alone like this. I have to work to support myself too or I'll lose my home. My oldest daughter had the best advice, sometimes we have to accept our limits, and it's true, many often basically give up their own lives to be a caregiver, even their homes, you have to decide if you can do that, and if you're care would really be better for them than a facility. Honestly mine would not be for my dad, he needs big guys that can lift him and who he won't argue with. Even so, I'm his DPOA, so I have to manage it all, he still has a home and bills that I pay and take care of, on top of my own home and bills. So also be prepared, even if mom goes into a nursing facility, you'll likely still have a lot to deal with.
Having gone through hell the last 16 years of my life, especially the last few months I would have to say NO. You will be held accountable for every little last detail in her life. I would not become the primary caregiver. If I were you and you had a healthy caring relationship with your mother then I would certainly help out, but I would not become the one responsible. It will eat you alive, it will damage your health, relationships, your heart and soul. Right now I am still recovering from a very devastating and damaging relationship with her and my sister and her family. Stay strong, don't feel guilty ever, be there to help and advise if consulted, but I would not do it again, knowing what I know now. I know this sounds bitter, but false allegations, accusations have caused me and my family to feel this way. Think long and hard. Your mother is relatively young, but does have some serious health problems. My mother was 65 and diabetic, bp, heart problems, strokes, etc. she is now 91. Doesn't live with me and my family anymore after 16 years...thank god.
I did it for as long as I could and it was not always easy. It did consist of giving up some of my life too but I've never regretted it. It's a personal decision but if I had put my mom in a facility she would've died within three months of a broken heart. I stuck it out for as long as I could as long as she was able to get around, then when she broke her hip, that was it, she had to get home health care and subsequent hospice. In fact, due to her health issues and being power of attorney, I'm still putting my life on hold somewhat. But I figure if I wanted to be totally free, I should just not associate with my family at all, and I don't want that either.
As others have said...it's good that you are asking this question now. My mother also has many conditions and I have been caregiving for her for 18 years now. If I would have known then the toll that it has taken on me physically and mentally I would ha e done it differently or not at all. I love her but my siblings have taken my and my family's love, empathy and generosity sooooo much for granted. I have been under so much stress that it has caused me physical illness. Because my mother is such a passive person, who does not want to in any way cause her two older children any inconvenience, she too has caused me pain and feelings of resentment. She too has taken me for granted.
Be careful in your decision. In the beginning all I did was out of love. But then with time and with the treatment from others my feelings have changed. And that is sad because I am a genuinely good and loving person. But I too have to love myself and in doing that I must make hard decisions that at times make me feel the opposite. Good luck and God bless you.
It's hard. I look after my mother-in-law and she doesn't require 24/7 care. She lives by herself, but about 50 feet from me so I'm able to watch out for her. She's able to do the basics, like bathing, toileting, grooming, dressing, etc. I've taken over managing her medicine. I bring it to her twice a day and call in refills. I also make doctor's appointments for her and either take her myself or make arrangements for her to get there. I bring her dinner 5 nights a week, sometimes pick up her groceries and make sure she gets to church. My nephew manages her money, paying her bills, either picking up her groceries or giving me the bank card with a list and I take care of it, picks up her medicine and I pick it up from him, etc. I don't do a whole lot compared to others on here but even what I do, with help from my nephew(who works 2 jobs), can be hard at times, especially since I'm also raising a family. So I'm looking after 2 households. I have 3 kids, one of which is grown up and out of the house, a 7yo and a 3yo. My dh isn't able to help much because of his job. He's up before sunup and doesn't come home until after sunset. That's the price we're paying so I can stay home with the kids. He does what he can on the weekends but can't do anything during the week. With your mom being 65, you're possibly looking at 20 to 30 years of caregiving and even with what little I do, it can be overwhelming at times. Would you have any help at all?
At any rate, now is the time to discuss this with your mom. She may have entirely different views on how to move forward than you assume. It is also the time to begin putting together a care-circle so that the entire responsibility does not rest on your shoulders. Even if you have no relatives you can build a care circle with neighbors and friends.
Most importantly, no is the time to become your mother's care partner; helping her make choices, defininf what you are able to do and what you are not able to do and planning for the future. These are important discussions to have as soon as possible.
If you want to care for your Mom, if you can care for YOURSELF and remain a healthy and happy person... then you should. If you can't then you will know that in your heart, too. Listen to your heart, because at the end of time, you should feel good about the choices you make.
The best advice I got from this site was when someone told me to hug my mom and tell her I love her every day that I could, because one day ... I would not be able to do that any more. That cost me nothing. I tried it... I got to do that almost every day.
Now mom is gone and I will never be able to do it, but I know that she knew that she was loved. There are so many other hard questions, but that was the MOST helpful advice I ever got. Sometimes the simplest things help the most.
I hope you can hear what your heart is telling you to do (and I hope it is telling you to be sure you are taking good care of yourself first and then helping others with your strength and good health and in happiness).
granted. I have been under so much stress that it has caused me physical illness. Because my mother is such a passive person, who does not want to in any way cause her two older children any inconvenience, she too has caused me pain and feelings of resentment. She too has taken me for granted.
Be careful in your decision. In the beginning all I did was out of love. But then with time and with the treatment from others my feelings have changed. And that is sad because I am a genuinely good and loving person. But I too have to love myself and in doing that I must make hard decisions that at times make me feel the opposite. Good luck and God bless you.
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