Should I stop reminding my dad that I'm his daughter? - AgingCare.com

Should I stop reminding my dad that I'm his daughter?

Follow
Share

I don't want to shame my dad, but he has started saying inappropriate things to me and when I remind him I'm his daughter I think he's embarrassed. I'm wondering if we should call him by his first name instead of Dad and Grandpa.

17

Answers

Show:
My mother, who in her “normal” life, was the World’s Biggest Prude, became obsessed with sex when she suffered from dementia. The nursing home was a brothel and all the patients and staff were having sex with each other. Some in her room. I often felt like taking a shower after I got home from visiting her.

One day, when she was going on and on, I’d had enough. I knew it was the dementia, but she was still my mother and listening to her was disgusting. I got right in her face and said, “Mom, be a lady. Ladies don’t talk like that!” She looked shocked and after that, it was a little better. I repeated it whenever she started up again. You can try telling Dad to be a gentleman. Tell him you’re a lady and ladies don’t like to hear that kind of talk.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report

Maybe you should stop bathing him. Can't ur husband do this for you. He may think your his wife. I give you credit though, but this is one thing I would not have done for my father.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Amycaring, my 96-year-old dad usually doesn't recognize me as his son -- often I'm his dad or one of his brothers or cousins from the 1920s or 30s. I don't correct him because it only confuses him further and usually the memory care staff plays along, as well, but once a CNA told him his son was here and he looked up at me and told her no, that's his dad and that he doesn't have any sons that big. He always tries to be polite, but in addition to lack of memory and being confused, he often uses the wrong word for something and sometimes says "inappropriate" things that we just shrug off and smile. In my dad's case, there's really no point in trying to restore memory or correct wrong words as his brain is too damaged.

As your dad's daughter, it's probably harder for you to shrug and smile at inappropriate comments, but I suggest trying to do that. Right now your corrections embarrass him, but apparently aren't deterring him because his brain is damaged. As his dementia worsens, his embarrassment may decrease and inappropriateness may either increase or decrease and I think the "shrug and smile" technique will be your best defense against building resentment toward him and the memory of who he used to be. That said, you could try Ahmijoy's suggestion a few times to see if it works on your dad -- each damaged brain is different.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to bicycler
Report

I guess if he isn't remembering who you are then. you could start referring to yourself (at times) that you are his nurse. and like ahmijoy says REMIND HIM constantly that its NOT nice to say that. etc what ahmijoy says.

otherwise maybe it would be a good idea to call in for home health co. and pay for someone else to do his bathing.

I don't know if dad feels shamed and embarrassed. I understand you don't want to hurt his feelings because its not his fault - just his brain condition. but that would embarrass me. that would make my toes curl :( so I feel for you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to wally003
Report

I was thinking about a home health bath aide too. Older people don’t need a bath every day unless they’re incontinent. Is your dad? I agree that maybe having hubby pitch in with the bathing, if he’s wiling, is a good idea. I wouldn’t leave Grandpa unsupervised with your daughters. If they’re old enough, explain dementia to them and that Grandpa’s brain is “broken”. If they’re not old enough to understand, all the more reason not to leave him alone with them.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report

I think you should use, reuse, reuse & reuse the name 'dad' often as a reminder that you are his daughter -

Assuming that his remarks show that he finds you an attractive woman when he forgets that you are his daughter then try taking it as a compliment that you are a very lovely looking person & even someone with dementia [I'm assuming] notices it ...... that how to make lemonade from the lemon life gives you
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to moecam
Report

when I visited my dad in assisted living, I always (until the very end) said "HI DAD."

I guess I did that so I put in his mind (for at lease a minute,he had ALZ) that I WAS HIS daughter.

sometimes he looked at me and I wondered what he thought? I would explain by saying my first and middle name. and he would look at me and think...because in his mind - the older person he saw (me) wasn't his little girl.

if I told him my age, he acted like that was a joke. cause I should be only be 18??
I had to remind him no dad. im 50 something

sometimes having a picture of yourself when you were younger and then they can make a connection.

what inappropriate things are being said?
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to wally003
Report

Look for Teepa Snow's videos on Youtube. She specifically talks about the issue of inappropriate talk...especially sexual talk.

Apparently, there is an area of the brain that houses social chit chat, rhythmic speech (like poetry and music), and inappropriate conversations and words- like sexual topics or racial commentary.

I don't recall that she offered any particular techniques for dealing with this. But she did say that it is a common symptom of this disease.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Marcia7321
Report

He's asking me to shower with him, sit on his lap, etc. He lives in our home with my family (husband and daughters). I get him dressed and bathe him. It's usually during those times. We do look at pictures, but he's not registering it as me anymore. Thanks for the reply!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Amycaring
Report

I lost my dad almost a year ago, he had severe brain damage from to many falls and lost all memory in the end. My best defense was that I stopped expecting him to be what he once was. You can still enjoy your time with him even if he doesn't remember your relationship. The only thing that matters is that he knows someone loves him and visits often. I stopped being frustrated and broken once I realized that my need to be recognized by him was for me and not for him.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Maggiemay5867
Report

See All Answers
Related
Questions