Should I send my Mom to live with "absentee" sibling? - AgingCare.com

Should I send my Mom to live with "absentee" sibling?

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I moved Mom to live near us because no one was really looking out after her - especially my sib. Now, my Mom is painting this rosy picture of my sib, saying that "he would have taken care of me." She claims that she never asked him to help. (since when do we need a golden invitation to help someone who obviously needs serious care?) She also wallows in self-blame saying that she made him this way (selfish) so it is her fault that he turned out this way. He hasn't been out to see her since she moved here - which she blames on his spouse. You get the picture.
I have put up with his self-centered, manipulative behavior all my life. Now, I am becoming resentful that I and my hub are doing all the work and the sib is just sitting back letting me take care of everything as usual. Today, I told her that if she wanted to go back home and test her theory we would make sure she got home safely.
I have so much stress in my own life right now, that I literally cannot take another "hit." I realized a long time ago that my Mom and sib are two of a kind. They take everything one is willing to give, then discard people when they are no longer of use to them.
Should I really send my Mom "back home" (it felt good to say it) or should I just think to myself that keeping her here is the humane thing to do? We really do not have a mother-daughter relationship....I am just the unpaid help. Your advice will be very helpful to me because I am so tired right now that I cannot think straight

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Wow...I am astonished at how your words paint the exact situation I am dealing with now. The errands, the neediness, the ordering around...all true.
My Mom was a good mother to us, but looking back I can see how the road was paved for the future. My brother was a sickly child so we had to keep everything "quiet" so he wouldn't throw a hissy fit. We couldn't do anything without factoring in his behavior. Now he has grown into an absolute selfish, self-centered bully. My Mom looks the other way by feeling sorry for him. I don't. He's sitting on his duff, several states away, happy as a clam that he does not have to deal with any of this.
What I absolutley hate is when I am trying to do a little tough love with Mom, to get her out of some of her habits, then she does an end run around me and asks my husband to do a ton of stuff for her. He can never go over there with out leaving with a laundry list.
The other day Mom called me at least three times during my work day to complain that she was out of her favorite peanut butter. I finally told her to make a shopping list and then call her paid caregiver to do her shopping. The silence was golden.
We are moving soon (that's right...during the holidays) and I was hoping than Mom would choose to go back home - even if it was for a short time so I could get my bearings. Personally, it has been an extraordinarily tough year for us, however, my Mom acts as though she is the only concern I have.
I just HAVE to change things...I feel like I am going through a emotional death. When we relocate, I am going to hire more in-home help for her...maybe if she has to pay for services, she will be more prudent. It is getting harder to be around her; between watching her health deteriorate before my eyes and having to deal with the self-centeredness, I am worn out.
Thank you all for opening my eyes. When you are in the middle of things, you are not aware that something is awry.
Lilli
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Liiliput - Absolutely send your mother to live with/near your brother. Maybe you'll be calling her bluff though. Say, "You want it, you got it". And I agree with maggiesue; she'll be back. And if your brother agrees to it, drive her there as fast as you can!!! You know what I mean....I do all the errands too, for both parents and work. It's crazy!! I don't even take my coat off somethimes! Pharmacy, groceries, hairdresser, church, post office, umptine doctor's appt....blah, blah, blah...I'm tired of my own words!!! My siblings bagged on me. No phone calls, no emails, nothing. If you can get a break, take it.
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Lilli,
NPD is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Goggle it and and you'll get a lot of information. I agree with Annet antidepressants work well as a treatment. My mother was a different person on Lexapro. But she wouldn't continue to take it as she thought she "lost her edge."

Dealing with NPD's is rather hopeless. The only thing you can do is protect yourself. You have to set boundaries and stick to them. Think this through before you start setting them. For example, the errands you mentioned. The NPD will run you ragged so maybe set a boundary to only do the errands once a week for 2 hours or what ever works for YOU.

You just have to work at the guilt. Once you learn more about the disorder, you will feel less guilty and more concerned about your own survival. Your sib may have the same disorder. It tends to run in families. They have trained you good over your lifetime to repond to every need. You need to untrain yourself. Eventually you will see that you are acting as Cinderella and you will be disgusted with the part and want to change it.
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Lilli this article (on this site so hopefully okay to link :) ) ? is on this topic. https://www.agingcare.com/127206
My mom was not abusive per se but is NPD. I'm for drugs as a last resort only but anti depressants (for her) have helped immensely, she is like a different and nicer person. Maybe you can talk to her doctor. Good luck.
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Maggie: what is NPD? whatever it is, you described my situation to a tee. Recently, my Mother started singing the praises of her once-a-week paid caregiver...talking about her as is she were her daughter. This was after an exhaustive week of me taking her to her dentist, hairdresser, sending out her Christmas cards, and running a ton of errands for her. (I also work fulltime)
Mom has always had an "it's all about me" personailty...is that NPD? But I am so tired of being thrown under the bus whenever she finds a new victim. I am constantly on the phone with her docs, pharmacy, etc. I take her to every appointment and arrange for most everything in her life. Which is something I chose to do for her. However, this recent habit of waxing poetic about my long-lost sib just puts a sour icing on the cake. (this is the same guy who was pilfering money from her...but of course, she has a selective memory.)
I have always been the "go to" person in my family when things needed to be taken care of or fixed.
How do I get out of this rut? I feel guilty when I think about granting her wishes and sending her back home to live with the sib. And you are probably right, it will probably be a boomerang situation when they have had enough of each other. I also worry that the sib will run through her money and leave her stranded.....you know the rest....
Please tell me how you freed yourself of the guilt, etc....thank you....your post is so enlightening....
Lilli
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Absolutely send her back to live with your brother. But don't rent her room as she'll probably be back with you shortly.

What you are talking about is NPD. My mother has it and right now I don't have to care for her because she has hooked a neighbor into helping her. She dropped me like a hot potato when the other more reliable help came along.

NPD's don't have any sense of the other person's feelings, they are very manipulative, never accept responsibility for their actions, and always, always come first. They are the kind of people we will avoid when we encounter them in social settings. However, when they are your aging parent the moral issues come in.

Good luck with this one. But I'll bet money your brother will figure out a way to shake off your mom very quickly.
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...could really use some "clear headed" input on the above....thanks...
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