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I have been caring for my mom by myself for 7+ years. I have been starting to feel caregiver burnout lately. My boyfriend, who has been VERY UNDERSTANDING, has said that he thinks I need to talk to someone professional. I don't think so. I mean being able to be on this site has really helped me and I don't really see how talking to a professional will help me. They will probably want to give me drugs, which I don't want. I really value the people on here because unlike a "professional psychiatrist" you all KNOW what I am going through.
I guess I should tell you what the issue is with my mom. She has started smoking again. She is on 3 different types of b.p. meds because of the strainon her heart from the sstrain on her lungs. No heart disease-yet. But she and I fight about the cigarettes. She stopped with the help of the patches. I want her to live a long life, but I fear that the cigarettes are shortening her life. What do I do? Keep buying and making them for her knowing that they are killing her. Or do I fight her about every cigarette she smokes? I have always been the accommodating child. But I am at a loss here. This is why my boyfriend said I need to talk to a professional. So that is why I am asking all of you---my professional people. I will take all of your opinions over a professional any day. Please tell me what I should do.

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Zena, you asked "should I seek professional help". I'm not here to debate with you about it, I only offered my opinion based on the question. I can see why your boyfriend advised you seek help, every comment from you is a justification for why you can not change things. If you don't want to change it's fine with me, but why did you ask?
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Zena, you are in a tough position here with your Mom and her smoking. I refuse to go out and by anyone cigarettes because I have seen the damage they can do, and how they can shorten one's life by 20 some years. But it is very difficult for a woman to quit smoking [easier for a male]. Now here are some questions....

Ask your Mom what does she get out of smoking? Does it make her feel calmer? If yes, then that tells me it is the action of deeply inhaling... one can get the same affect with a soda straw cut in half.

Or is it a strong physical need created by the nicotine? If yes, then that is much harder to deal with. You need to find something else for her to do whenever she gets that strong urge to smoke.... even if it means eating something with a lot of calories... better to put on some weight then to be pulled down by lung damage by a cigarette.

You mentioned you Mom had started smoking "again". So that also tells me she can quit. Do you know what happened in her life to make her start smoking once again?
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I think that perhaps what your boyfriend wants for you is to learn how to say no to your mother without being overwhelmed by fear, obligation or guilt. You want her to stop smoking yet you continue to buy her cigarettes, why is that?
Seeing a professional does not necessarily mean that you need to be on any medication, but talking it through it may help you to get a better perspective on your family dynamics and find solutions that work for you, something that you may not accept hearing from your boyfriend and that you may be too close to see clearly for yourself.
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Well, if you know so much better, no one can make you seek 'professional help'. Just tough it out on your own, you will either sink or swim. .... As for your mom's smoking jones: can she afford cigarettes? Is she on oxygen, or would be in danger of burning down the house, or setting herself on fire smoking in bed? How old is she, how much of longer life can she look forward to with her ailments and dementia? Take all this into consideration. .... I say, buy her the cigarettes, but she can only smoke outside on the porch or deck, or supervised in the kitchen in bad weather. NO cigarettes at night if she is alone. Ration them out like it was war time. I say, when they get to a certain point, no booze, no cigarettes, no junk food, only fruits and vegetables, vitamins and organic foods, all that stuff: let them have what they want and enjoy their last days. (I speak for myself, mind you, what *I* would want in MY last days. I don't want to go out of this life drinking kale smoothies, I want my wine and Lays potato chips, and if I had 6 months to live, you BET I would take up smoking again, lol! Let them bury me sooner than later.)
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Zena, baby, get some help. You're so worried about Mom's health and longevity your own ticker isn't beating right anymore. Boyfriend is very understanding because he loves you very much, but his patience is going to wear thin.

If she's living with you, the house is a SMOKE FREE zone. That's non-negotiable. If you're living with her, it's going to be a 24/7 catfight -- in installments. ... And your man isn't going to hang around long enough to see how it ends if you don't stop being so accommodating ... and obstinate.

Draw the line. Next time she lights one up, take it out of her mouth.
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Hey Zena. I don't really have any words of wisdom. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm in a similar situation with my mom. My mom is about to turn 60 and she's been a smoker for 40 years. She tried quitting with patches, but she only lasted a week. She smokes almost 2 packs a day. She's in a wheelchair, and she's can't walk very far with her walker, so I'm the one who buys her cigarettes for her. I know i'm enabling her by buying her the cigs, but I feel like even if I don't buy them for her, she can just buy them when we go grocery shopping. Basically she'll find a way to get them regardless. So I just keep my mouth shut and buy them for her. Which is still not right I know.

I've tried everything to help her to quit. I ordered the patches for her. I bought her sugar free lollipops to help with the oral fixation. I've written her letters expressing my concerns about the future of her health. But the fact of the matter is is that she doesn't wanna quit. They have to WANT to quit. It's sucks because it's like we're watching a love one commit a slow suicide. Believe me I KNOW your frustration. I'm still coming to terms and learning to just accept things. I'm not saying we should give up on our mothers, but we need to realize they're just some things we can't change.

I think finding a therapist could be a really good outlet for you. You might not even need medication. Sometimes just learning better coping mechanisms can make a world of difference. My old therapist was AMAZING. She was very laid back and chill, she had a great sense of humor. I learned a lot from her. Even though we talked about a lot of serious and depressing things she added some much needed levity to our sessions, which helped a lot, because I have a very melancholic temperament and I can be rather intense. So, you know therapy doesn't always have to be a drag or this huge thing. If nothing else it can just be a place for you to blow off steam in a judgment free zone.

Anyway I'm sending you and you mom lots of good vibes and I hope something clicks and she quits for good :))
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THANK YOU ALL FOR SO MUCH ADVICE AND WISDOM! I learned so much about myself from all of your comments. I don't know if boyfriend will leave because he is a smoker too. He is concerned about my well being. Anyway, thank you all again for your help. It has helped me with a lot of the anxiety I have been having. Tatianna, thank you for your wisdom and understanding of what I am going through. I guess I needed to hear from you most of all.
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I know someone who is suffering from some serious medical issues due to being in the same house with her dad - who smokes like a chimney. Maybe your mother would be ok with nicotine patches or lozenges, but I really think that if you are around her and caring for her ( to keep her out of a nursing home) that you have the right to breathe air not contaminated.
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I help her with her meds, which she is on a lot for her blood pressure and breathing. I pay her bills, makes sure that she eats. She can do and does a lot for herself, but I don't take too much Independence away from her. I will try the lozenges for her. But I think that she just does it because she is bored.
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Mom is 70, has copd, hypertension, and basic old age issues starting. I just wanted opinions on if I needed to get help to handle the guilt or not. I have decided that I won't feel guilty about her habits or ways. I love my mother dearly, but I cannot let this issue turn my into HER mother when I know that as her dementia progresses I will be taking on that role. I have a great guy who is my sole support and cares about my mom. If things get worse later, I will deal with them as they come. When my sister moves in, SHE can handle the cigarette issue because she is a smoker too. I will be buying another air purifier for my room. Thanks all for your comments and suggestions.
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