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I am a 62 year old single woman with an 84 year old Mom that no longer wants to live alone. Several years back I transferred from a one to two bedroom, two bathroom apartment which rents for around $1,700 to $2,000 in our state because my Mom was having small health issues. She eventually got well and wanted to have her own apartment which I completely understood. I wanted to help her, so I told her that I would not take any money from her (even though she was receiving a decent SSN check) so that she could save for things she needed. Biggest mistake ever on my part. Two weeks before moving I was burning a scented candle that she always seem to like in the past and instead of letting me know that it bothered her on this day, she mumbled under her breath (but within earshot) "I will be so glad to get out of here I don't know what to do". I replied I thought I was helping you get back on your feet? Her reply was "you are not doing anything special that no one else hasn't done". Those words were like a stab in the gut, I could not even reply and just walked away and cried as I thought of how my finances took a hit over the years trying to help. Fast forward to now, she is afraid of living alone and wants to give up her place and live with "someone" and keeps dropping hints about how nice my old place was, how it was always tidy, safe, quiet, etc ., then asked how much the rent is now on a two bedroom in my community. I ignored both the statement and the question because I refuse to entertain the thought. I told her she needs to stay where she is. She is on a program and her rent is $560 a month in a very nice community and close to stores. My question is should I come out and remind her of the hurtful statement she made as the reason we can no longer reside under the same roof? I am tired of hearing about her depression, calls on my job two and three times a day, 2:00 a.m. phone calls, time off work running to her place because she thinks she is dying when it is her anxiety, all these imaginary illnesses when all of her blood work is excellent, breathing excellent, no signs of a stroke, heart problems, dementia or serious diseases. Most tell me to show grace because she is my Mom but I am just watching out for my mental well-being. I am in a good place in life now with my finances that I can retire in a few years and still able to assist with her needs, I just refuse to give in to the one thing she wants.

All you need to tell your mom is that she will never live with you again, because you enjoy living by yourself, and don't want to be responsible for anyone but yourself. Period, end of sentence.
What good would bringing up the past anyway? She'll just deny it or tell you she doesn't recall it. Let it go.
And quit answering your phone while at work and overnight. Turn it off, and tell mom that if she has a true emergency that she needs to call 911, as your phone will be turned off, because you need your sleep.
I wish you well in setting and keeping good boundaries with your mom.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Engage with her as seldom as possible. Turn off your phone when you don't want her calls, such as at work. Stop running over there every time she manipulates you into thinking it's a major emergency. Tell her to call 911 if it's serious because you have to go back to sleep.

You've bent over backwards to cater to this spoiled overentitled old lady. Forget showing her grace, whatever that is. Stand firm, stop making her the center of your life, and get a hobby, like traveling or rehabbing wildlife - anything that will consume your interests and make you unavailable. Then congratulate yourself on finally cutting the umbilical cord.

Grace, indeed! Stop being friends with those who suggested that. They need a reality check and duct tape over their mouths.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I applaud you standing your ground! No, she will not accept any reminders of past words or behavior. She is obviously a right-fighter… she will insist she is right until the end!

Only answer is NO. And it can be a complete sentence. NO!
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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If I repeated my mother's words back to her, she'd gaslight me and tell me she'd never said such a thing, that I was losing my mind and making up stories.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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IneedPeace May 26, 2025
Exactly!!
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We brought my mom here to live with us three years ago. Worst mistake of my life, and I pay for it every single day.

Don't do it. Don't bother "reminding" her, either, of why it didn't work the last time she lived with you because she'll either flat out deny it, or make it all your fault. Ignore her hints. If she flat out asks you, then be ready with a very firm answer that never changes in any way, or she'll find a way to worm around it.
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Reply to Stardust
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No. You shouldn't give her reasons she cannot live with you.
This only causes to supply reasons for argument.
You should simply make it clear that you do not choose to live with an elder. That you will assist with her attempts to find the best living conditions her assets and savings an afford for her aging. That certainly you will be there to visit with her. But that you do not wish to live with elders, roommates, siblings, children or parents.

Your mother's wishes are clear. Be that as it may, she will be disappointed in your choice and has a right to mourn it or be sad about it. But she cannot change it. And it is your choice. I suspect there are more reasons for your not living with her than you can shake a stick at. But let us assume she was instead just a lovely old woman. Would you THEN wish to live with her? Because even if that were the case, I myself would still advise against it. It is very difficult to live with ANYONE and anyone who has done so knows that. And when an elder is living with you the trajectory is inexorably DOWNWARD.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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My mother was very difficult. She was an abusive bully. None of her daughters would have considered taking her in. It was bad enough sucking it up for a half hour visit at her house each day, much less 24/7. We kept her home alone probably longer than she should have been.

She was living alone while on hospice for a few months before she went into a nursing home. Hospice gave me a hard time about it. I very simply said no, no one was moving in full time. Not the greatest arrangement but none of us daughters were falling on our sword to be there full time.

We relied on Life Alert and we had 8 hours of caregiving a day. I told hospice that if this was a problem, then we didn’t want hospice. Hospice finally agreed to keep her enrolled which was good.

We finally were able to get her into the same nursing home as my father, for which I am eternally grateful.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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I don't think there's any point to it, she is who she is and pointing out her past comments isn't likely to change her attitude.
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Reply to cwillie
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I know how hard it is to forgive someone for a comment 'whispered' under their breath--maybe they're just letting off steam, IDK, but the words are said and the hurt ensues.

Yes, you should forgive her, for your own sense of peace, if nothing else. BUT--
you don't have to step up and be the answer to all her woes.

Offer support when you can and on your terms. Maybe help her find an aide a couple days a week to help her out, if that's financially possible.

Let her know that living with you is not on the table and never will be, for the sake of your collective mental health.

An over anxious elder is hard to deal with, I know. Yes, she's your mom and yes, you should show her grace simply for that--but don't give up your own sense of self worth and personal peace and calm for her.

I probably wouldn't even bring up the ancient comment. Bet she would argue with you that she never said such a thing!

Just a closing thought--you move mom in with you and your retirement will be spent babysitting her. Is that what you want? B/C that's what will happen.

Good luck & stay tough with those boundaries.
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Reply to Midkid58
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Hothouseflower May 26, 2025
Just tell her no I don't choose to live with you. I like my life just as it is. Period. Full stop. No other explanation.
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Is your mom's depression and anxiety being treated?

Has she had a workup of her cognitive abilities?

The fact that she can't live alone does not equal "she must live with me".
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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