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crystalmpn ,

The way out of the F.O.G. is most often some hard work via therapy.

It is still easier in the court system today to bring up a dad for child abuse than it is a mother. Frankly, some single parent mothers or moms in bad marriages should be charged and found guilty of emotional incest of the opposite sex child which happens more than we want to admit with collateral damage that stays with that person for years and they often don't even realize they are a victim.

Verbal abuse is much harder to spot and try right when it is going on. Far too often these are either narcissistic or borderline mothers who can wear the most wonderful masks around people they don't know but be the wicked witch of the west with their own children and spouse. I'm not sure how true this is but a lawyer once told me that a higher percentage of single parent moms murder their children than single parent dads. I think we need to stop operating from outdated and unreal stereotypes and start evaluating things as they are from the realization that anyone is capable of almost anything and let the facts speak for themselves.
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Fear obligation and guilt - fog- well said - had not thought of that. I am in a prison -of fog and don't know my way out with out feeling guilty to a mother that was abusive even when I was a child. Even her favorite child (my brother) said that if it were now- she still would be serving time for abuse.
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Well, moving them closer to you could be the good option, but you have to weigh that against uprooting them from any friends or family they have nearby. I did not move my mom until it was down to just two neighbors visiting her every now and then, and even then they were not seeing her as often as I was form 900 miles away. Or, maybe you could get them to move into an assisted living or retirement / life-care community setting where you could be comfortable that they were being taken care of and maybe just visit a few days every 4-6 weeks instead of spending 50% of your time there. If they are managing for the 50% of the time you are not there, you almost certainly have options besides nursing home, to start with anyways. Every state is different with regard to how much help you can need and be in assisted living versus skilled nursing, and every facility is different too, you need to visit and investigate each before trying it out, and then make sure they kow you are invovled and will be droppign in periodically, at least sometimes unannounced. My mom refused to move for a long time and only agreed to it when I got her into an inpatient rehab facility here. In the meantime, I bought her a Consumer Cellular phone so she could call me, and she used to use it all the time, so I felt better that if anything was not right she could call even if the facility didn't. Don't get me wrong - I think home care and family care is wonderful if you can do it, but not everybody can or should; I think you have to judge whether it really provides the best quality of life possible in any given situation. If home care really is best, then see if the costs can be covered form their financnes and/or consider a reverse mortgage (be careful) so it is not draining you so much - IF there is no community waiver or service that would cover it. If you have not tapped in already, try the local Area Agency on Aging at http://www.daaa1a.org/DAAA/. Hope this helps!
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Walk away.....time for the others to step up. Let them know you will not be going to Denver. If they have any feelings for you at all they will step up, if not call social services or police in your parents area and ask them to do well being checks. If they find your parents are in need of help or a NH they will initiate it. If they call you refer them to another sibling. If you do not do this you might as well sign up for a cloister (self sacrificing nuns) and plan to live a sad solitary life. Fear, obligation and guilt has ruined many a caregiver's life. Take care of your self........
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It seems that I am in the same situation, maybe even worse. I have my aunt and mother living overseas (with chance of bringing them to NJ where I live), and two years ago when I visited them, I realized how old they were and they needed someone to care for them -- they both had been very active and healthy ladies before.

Last November my aunt (80) got a flu and since then she has had a huge aray of health issues: high blood pressure with to hypertensive crisis, one mini stroke, diabetis. I have had to stay to take care of her as my mother was not capable of doing it -- she is 70. This month my aunt has los her mobility and now she is bed stricken -- she has been refusing to eat etc. etc.... Because of security considerations in country X where I am now, we cannot hire a help -- it is not safe to let someone into the house with two elderly ladies only. So I and my brother have to take yearly turns to care for them.


My husband is in NJ, doing well jobwise -- he is refusing to come and stay with me while I am with my parents. He is not sending any money to support me since I cannot go to work now. I have to do it out of my savings. What he says boils down to this: I will wait for as long as necessary untill you come back ...? He lives in the house I own -- and does not pay any rent, so there are somethings financially that I am doing for him with no reciprocity. We both come from the same country of origin, and he got his US papers through my sponsorship... I am heartbroken... knowing that I cannot abandon my elderly parents in a country where they have no other relative living, he just doesnot care ... that he cares in words, but not deeds. I start wondering if we are in fact housband and wife, and if I should consider this marriage any longer ... He has a choice and I do not... and his choice is his life without me when I so overwhelmed here alone, in a country I hardly recognize...
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Before you look into a Nursing Home, try and find some good people in the Detroit area who NEED MONEY and are willing to care for your parents at a rate much less than you are spending now. I heard that the Detroit area needs employment. Surely there are caregivers (look by word of mouth and recommendations), who can look after your parents. Lastly would be to find that NH and just go for it. HOW OLD ARE THEY??? You didn't say. You only said how old you are.
N1K2R3
p.s. It'll all be over someday./
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Dulci, permission granted. You will also be facing this if you live long enough, getting old stinks let's face it. But unless you plan on dying old and alone someday, do what you have to do now. Life is way too short in the grad scheme of things. Good luck.
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Dulci,
You deserve a life and a love.
You are a wonderful daughter and you have sacrificed much, but your parents need more care now than you are able to provide.
Investigate the NHs nearer to you at a lower elevation where your parents can breath easy. The time you spend researching now will benifit you and your parents. Try to stay away from the stock yards. lol
Don't be afraid to take the step. It's now or later and it sounds like now is the time.
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It would seem to me that this person who is wanting you to stop taking care of your parents to exclusively be with this person is very selfish. WHY can't this person go WITH you to take care of them? Since it sounds like that isn't going to happen, and the SELFISH siblings aren't going to help, the only option would be to either move your parents out by you so the travellilng burden would be done away with. If they are nearby, you could drop in more, which I'm sure they would like, and you could also have your relationship with this person you care about.
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You are 45, but how old are your parents? Why do they need a Nursing Home? How 'bout an Independent Living Facility? OR: What would happen if you just had someone to come in once a day and check on them?
Activities of Daily Living mean: Self feeding, self bathing, going potty alone and some form of ambulation (even if wheelchair bound). Can they do any of these things/
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Dulci,

You are an angel.

You are not, "putting them away." This is a natural progression in their lives and also in yours. They are very ill and need 24 hour care. You have no choice but to place them where they can get that type of care. Because of their degeneration, you are going to benefit. This may seem a little callous, but after all these years of dedication and follow through, don't you deserve for some of that weight to come off of your shoulders. I don't see you just giving up on them after you place them. You will still be all over their care, making phone calls and flying out often to see them. I bet you have a list of the doctors on call at the home as well as the names of all floor nurses so that you will be able to contact them directly.

I very much understand your reservations regarding nursing homes. Prior to bringing our Mom home she was dropped twice. She is heavy and has to be moved around on a lift. One time they left her in the hall and another patient bumped into Mom and somehow Mom wound up on the floor. Slipped out of her wheel chair. Our elderly do not get quality care in the normal nursing homes. Is it at all possible to place them into a "better" home? Perhaps your siblings would be willing to help with the costs?

I know that when my grandmother had to go into a home the state would not help her until all of her funds were spent. I am guessing that this is the case with your parents. Which would null and void my suggestion in the above paragraph.

If this man loves you, then he knows you. That means that he is very aware of your dedication to your parents. Most likely this is something he admires and respects. If you get the slightest inkling that he does not, he is not the man for you! As your parents continue in their life path, you will gain more time in your life. This man should be patient, you are well worth the wait. You are only 45, still young but old enough to know better!

Don't be afraid to allow the chapter of your life with your parents to wind down and eventually to end. You have many chapters yet to write.

You are a high quality person, you deserve a high quality mate. The other 12 simply could not keep up with your shine. You are a doer, an achiever, a very accomplished woman. That's hard for most men to deal with, but that's not your fault. It's theirs.

I have no doubt that you will find your way through this.

Pattie
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Yes you do deserve a life and I think on that we all agree. Sounds like you and your dad were very close which might be part of the reason this is such a tough transition. Sad to say but since age 9 it does sound like you have been a parent to older children who are now even older and in a sense have already been a mom for 35 years of being a hurried child that had to do too many adult like things too soon. It is high time to make up for some of which you missed. It does sound like somehow you became the successful chosen one, but it sounds more like you were the only one locked up. So, please detach from dad as much as you can even if it takes getting therapy which it sounds like you can afford and get closer to your fiance for that is the normal developmental path of life. What have you done that was fun and was just for you? I ask that because it sounds like you've been too responsible and too good for your own good and that is not good. I wish you the best as you deal with this mess.
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don't give up your life- you have done the best you can-I almost lost my own sanity and life doing the same thing you are and when mom thought I was left on my own -(it destroyed my marriage and a relationship with one of my own children) she treated me worse than a servant - I would not do the same thing again. I would take care of her but not in my own house-
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Thank you all so much for your comments and suggestions and even criticism. Mom had a brain tumor, became paralyzed when I was 9. Dad had a stroke last year and has gone extremely downhill since. I am not the youngest (2nd youngest) but the only one never married and never knocked up. My folks have enough money to keep the caregivers coming til Christmas. If I give up the every two week thing, the money will last only until September. They know that they will be going to a nursing home, they've been on the waiting list for two years actually. They can't move to Denver, we tried that two years ago and neither could breathe. I am the owner a very successful business and that is why I can travel every two weeks. I work from anywhere and have every vacation I have been on for the last fifteen years.

It is going to be very difficult to put them away. I took care of an uncle who didn't even know me, for three years, making sure he was taken care of in the local nursing home and he still got injured and died. My dad was in the local home after his stroke, the first night he thought he could walk, they weren't watching and he ended up with a fractured shoulder, four nights later, he had bruises all over his body from another fall. Nursing homes are dangerous and that worries me.

Yes I want my fiance, I know he is being patient. I think I am too with him for other reasons. He missed the end of his dad's life except the last five days. His mother died when he was just 10 months old. He knows what living without parents is like.

My parents are very loving people to me and always have been. It's so hard now that my dad sometimes rarely knows me. I was his best and only friend for years and now he hardly talks to me. He talks to the caregivers but not me. It is getting closer and closer to the time. I do deserve to have a life and happiness. I never wanted kids. I've had kids since I was 9.

I do thank you all for your comments to a newbie to this site. :)

Dulci
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Regarding nursing homes, etc. Reminds me of when I scored a bargain cruise in 1975 on the SS Universe, University at Sea boat on their summerschool trip. What a group...lots of 80-90 year olds, some teachers getting extra credit units, and some of us young ones who managed to find out about the one month cruse for $1800. Wheee...
Anyway, the rooms. They were very very small, tiny bunks, and the cruise director lectured us saying, "believe me, 'they grow on you.' "

And do they did. It was amazing how quickly we forgot about our real lives and made alliances and friendships on board. It wasn't until we hit the entrance to the Panama Canal at 2 am, amidst foggy lights, roaring diesel engines that set off the screaming monkeys that we remembered home at all. Most of us stayed up all night in our bathrobes, drinking great booze we'd scored for next to nothing at Virgin Islands...anxiously awaiting mail call on the other side of the locks in the morning.

Nice memory. I recall that every time Mom is in the hospital or recuperating in the nursing home. She quickly makes IT her home, with staff as the leading characters. Of course, she knew she'd return. Eventually, though it took over a year, I accepted that Mom's home was now my home, and all the whining and pityparties in the world wasn't going to magically send me back to my REAL home on Orcas Island. I still consider that my home after being here 8 years, and now condensing a 3 bedroom living space to the confines of the living room. That's where we both live now, cept for kitchen stuff.
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I think you have done your job and done it well and it is now time for you to find the happiness you deserve. You must have a pretty patient finance to wait around while you hop on a plane every two weeks. I just had to put my dad in a nursing facility because of his falling and mild case of dementia. I say mild because the aricept seems to be kicking in and helping him. I have a sibling who does absolutely nothing for our father. She is 13 years younger than me and feels she should be living her life. I have an ill husband and two children myself. I felt extremely guilty for placing my dad in a nursing facility for over a month and am just starting to accept it because he is doing so well there. He looks like the same person he used to be but I know that if I bring him home (he lives alone but I am there most of the day), he is going to go back to his pathetic state again. I know this because it has happened twice in the last year. I have been in the hospital twice in the last year because my running around so much has caused me to collapse with uncontrolling pains in my stomach. Please don't let this happen to you. You are finally going to begin the life you so deserve. You have done much more than expected for your parents. Where did your teen years and most of your young adult years go? You can never get them back but you can begin your life now Your parents can be placed in the same facility and be with each other every day. You can visit as long as you like. Don't believe the myth that all nursing facilities treat their patients badly. Go visit and tour the facility. My dad is in a wonderful place and they treat him with the best care I have ever seen. I visit at different times so that they are thrown offguard and I find they still treat him the same. Hang in there and know in your heart that you are doing the right thing. If your parents are loving people they would not want you to be unhappy.
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YOU are not putting them in a nursing home, all of your siblings are too. I would suggest one to-the-point email to all of your siblings stating (not asking for permission) what you intend to do and if any of them would like to step up and care for your parents. If the answer is no, then ALL OF YOU have decided together that you are ALL busy and your parents need the care of a nursing home.
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luvmom, you are right on target about the funny, loving moments. Two of mom's sisters get this, and two don't. And the two who don't are missing out. Yes, their lack of calls or visits also affect Mom, who would love more contact and, in her more lucid moments, realizes they don't ever call. My sister sort of gets it, and she has challenges within her own home and with adult kids, so I accept that (well, most of the time; sometimes I don't get why she pulls away, but I understand her emotional energy can only extend so far some days).
Some days are diamonds, some days are stones. (heck, some SECONDS are diamonds, some are stones on many days). I'm new in the caregiving game, and I'm not the primary (Dad is, while I'm at work), but so far, there is nowhere I would rather be than caring for Mom. When my aunt used to say that about being with Grandma, I didn't fully understand. I helped care for her because I loved her and knew I should, but NOW I understand that my aunt chose to be with her mother for herself as well as for Grandma. That's where I'm at. (But it still sucks sometimes, of course. Mostly it sucks when Mom realizes that her mind has slipped far away nearly all of the time.) OK, 'nuff rambling.
DulcifromDenver, you DO have to live your life, and somehow you have to figure out exactly what that looks like and do the best you can to pursue it. Much easier said than done. The advice from others to get your parents closer to you makes sense to me as a start. Good luck. Thoughts and prayers go out to you.
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Possibly my ____s were taken too generally, but I could fill them in with marriage, house, job, social life, careers, mental health which I read so much about here. I did not mean little sacrifices. I meant destructive ones like sacrificing our marriage on the altar of whatever.

DulcifromDenver has sacrificed way too much to her own detriment beyond a reasonable call of duty or responsibility and over the top of any sound definition of selflessness or denying oneself.

I never said she should just cut loose and live soley for herself, but that she should get and deserves freedom from the crushing burden of responsibility that she treads beneath by making sure her parents are safe and cared for but then move on with her life so that the current fiance does not become the 13th example of collateral damage.
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Dulci - you absolutely are entitled to your own life. Get the siblings together and tell them how it is. I had a coworker with similar issues. Her siblings weren't doing anything but constantly complained about her decisions. She got everyone together and basically "handed off" her responsibilities. Her mom is now in assisted living. She still visits, takes her out, etc. but the others make the decisions and can no longer complain.

If your sibs won't do anything, then do as Crowemagnum says and make sure your parents are safe and then do what you need to. If you don't, several years from now I think you will wish you had.
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Thanks for writing HockeyMom. I agree that my kids have learned and are learning that we just dont ever give up. Althou my kids are older, adults now, my oldest tells me I am a saint and it makes me feel good. Mom has lived with us for over 2 years. She is incontinent and gets up at night, my husband and I have no life any more, btw, he is great and helps all he can. I feel like my life is on hold a lot. I work fulltime and mom goes to daycare, then I pick her up after work and on and on... weekends are tough when you see the sunshining and Mom is whining she is cold and tired, etc. Sometimes she is happy and great and we have great laughs, but that changes like the wind. I know I need to hire someone but usually I have so much to do with laudry, etc, its hard to plan anything and its tough to plan not knowing what her moods will be. Thanks for writing, its so tough!! Oh, and about our siblings feeling bad later on, I dont think so, I really dont. I think they are such bad people that they will fix in their minds that they helped, when they didnt. Months go by without them calling, its incredible. They are missing out because Mom can be quite a handful but also quite funny and loving.
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to luvmom, right now I have a nurse coming in a couple times a week with mom (mom pays for it). I am a realtor, so my schedule allows for me to take time out to be with her during the day, which is easier when shcool is in! I only go over to check on her, give her social time, make sure she's on schedule w/ her meds, and eating. I also assist her w/ her showers and laundry as these are not safe for her to do alone. Now, can she shower, sure, but she also has Alzheimer's, and she gets in there & forgets what she's doing, and then there's always the chance she could fall. She's currently living at a senior apartment facility, and I hope to keep her there until her final days b/c she loves it there. Next month we will probably be bringing in hospice and getting rid of the nurse as mom is not wanting any aggressive intervention for her cancer. Thankfully my husband is very supportive and my children (18, 14, & 6) are very helpful too. We provide all moms meals, and they enjoy helping me prepare them & taking them to her. The older ones love the excuse of going to Dairy Queen to get GRANDMA a banana split a couple times a week! LOL...My husband lost his dad 4 years ago and has taken on the role of making sure his mother is cared for. She is a vibrant active young woman! BUT, we know there will come a day when he will need to make decisions for her as I am for my mom. We have accepted that this is the stage of life that we are in right now. Mom is pretty much like having another elementary aged kid around, but you know, I would not want any one else taking care of her. My siblings who choose not to help will have to deal with their own guilt when she passes, and I can lay my head down at night and sleep w/ a clear conscious knowing I cared for her the best I could. Can it be difficult? You bet! But, what in life is easy? And Crowemagnum, I can tell you that my children are learning compassion and love for someone other than themself right now. It is a sacrifice, but we are doing it the best we can as it is not always going to be like this. BUT, DulcifromDenver has a much different story, and has shouldered this alone for too long. She needs to have a life, but by no means should she forget about her parents and live only for herself.
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Are we trying to be a better parent to our aging parent by sacrificing ______ for them? Did they sacrifice the same _____ for us? Did our parents worry about us feeling bad for one or more moments? ____ NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cut the blasted umbilical cord around your neck, find a way that they can be cared for and safe without such a drain on your personal finances as well as evidently 12 previous fiances, and get on with your life before you die in the emotional womb that will become your psychological, physiological, relational, social, financial tomb!
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There is a mindset I get in to that is something like this (8+ years sole 24/7 caregiver...I get $10 day and room board in her house): I will sacrifice ANYTHING and everything ... all the time... of mine for my mother, just so she won't feel bad for a moment.

I have three deadbeat sisters, and I do not allow them the luxury of "they are busy with their own lives" BS. I had my own life, twenty years of strong community ties and income, and let go of that "busy" to care for my mother. They can darn well start now and UNbusy their current lives to BUSY themselves with THEIR parents. They can immediately just drop what they are doing and come help. Pretend it was the Katrina hurricane. I know, fat chance. so you have character and they don't. They will let your parents go down the drain to be cared for by someone else, the state, some nursing home.

So now you are trying to stop yourself from feeling hurt because you'll be abandoning (relatively) your parents after all these years. There are a lot of posts here like yours, with the underlying theme of "how can I stop this from hurting?" Hurting them and hurting you.

When I went to ER with my mother thinking this would be a short hop to the nursing home for her (it wasn't, miraculously)...and they were doing invasive procedures that had my mother screaming in agony...I threw such wailing fits in the ER that the halls filled with security guards, a bouncer, and somber nurses and doctors droning "just let them do their jobs." I screamed such great lines as "WHERE IS THE MERCY? I want my mother to go to the MERCY hospital !!!"

When I thought I couldn't take care of Mom any more, with her agonizing urine retention problem, I threw myself wailing on the sofa and hit the cushions with "I just can't handle your problem any more. I'm so sorry. I can't I can't." I think this impressed my mother that she was worth more than a serious discussion about "how things are now." In cases like this, "understanding is the booby prize."

Those of us who came at this age 55+ have had our "best" years already, but you've not had any good years yet. Recently, I reached the state of internally knowing when I will give up and put mom in a nursing home: when I cannot MEDICALLY handle her day to day. And by that I realized it could be something as minor as sinus congestion/post nasal drip. Her physical discomfort and confusion turned her into a person I could no longer control, actually she became insane.

Best compromise is to probably move them closer to you so you can still be part of their lives. If you are spending all this money, obviously they are indigent themselves, so get them qualified for Medicaid.
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DulcifromDenver,

My guess is that you are probably the youngest of your siblings and what you mean by caring for your parents at age 9 is that you became one or both of your parent's emotional support almost like a little adult. If that is true, then I can understand that because this is sort of like what took place between my single parent mother and me as her only child. It is an emotional/psychological enmeshment that makes it very hard for us to get own with our own life.

I didn't get married until I was 31 and my wife was 34. We both had mom issues that we have had to be in therapy to overcome. The fact that this relationship is the 13th one at age 45 suggests to me very good evidence that some professional counseling would do you and your current relationship a lot of good.

You are quite normal for wanting your own life and left me be bold enough to say that unless you cut this emotional enmeshment with your parents that your future husband is not going to feel that he is fully married to just you. I would bet the 12 previous relationships ended because they didn't feel that you were fully in the present with them and that part of you was somewhere off with your parents. White it is too late to have children, you could adopt a child.

It's high time that your parent's took some responsibility for their own care either through the finances that they have, long term health insurance if they have any or see if they qualify for Medicaid if they have nothing at all. It's not your responsibility for you to pay for their caregivers particularly is they have the money. How can you have a life much less hold down a good job with flying back and forth every two weeks? Flying is expensive and that much flying is not good economics although it does help the economy.

It's all so high time your siblings stopped being so slack because of your over functioning and help with this whole situation. Who has durable POA? Who ha medical POA? What is the doctor's evaluation of each parent's health and where they should live? Have your mom and dad written up their wills and does someone know where they are? Do either of your parents have a living will? Have your and your 7 siblings talked about all of this as a family?

Frankly, you are letting yourself get used by both your parents and by your siblings at the expense of you having a life with the collateral damage of 12 broken relationships over all these years and ate age 45 your almost totally alone at the very time that your aging parents will eventually be gone and then what will you have? I've seen people do this for the sake of something their parents parents promised them, but they are some of the most bitter and angry people that I've ever met.
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HockeyMom, I am in the same position as you, I do not want a nursing home and my kids and husband are on hold it seems sometimes too. How do you deal with it, sitters? Thanks!
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DulcifromDenver,

I believe what you're feeling is perfectly normal. I have only been caring for my mother for a year now and can honestly say there are days when I think & say, "I cannot put myself, my children, and my husband aside just to care for her. With that said, & realizing that fact, I am able to balance things better. Is there any reason why your parents cannot move closer to you? I moved my mother from OH to VA. In OH she had many family members who could have helped out, but didn't. I am the only one here, so it was a juggle for me at first. My mother was recently in a nh for a week after having surgery (she has cancer), and it was difficult for me to see her in there. Have you checked out an assisted living facilities? They seem to be a much better option than a nursing home. My mother cannot afford assisted living though. I have also noticed that my mother can do and will do much more for herself when I am not around. Sounds as though your parents are doing the same to you. You're very caring & kind and have done the best you can for your parents, but you must take care of yourself too. Good luck to you.
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you have 2 choices . be out on ur own and start a new life with this new man . or be an old maid and still clinging on to ur parents .
your parents is used to be without you every 2 weeks . im sure they ll do just fine with out u during the whole months ahead .
you can find a good place for them maybe move them near your home so u can go ck on them every so often and have a new life with a husband and start a family of ur own .
good luck and god bless
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