Both of my parents live with me and all they do is scream at each other. My dad is too old to care for himself and my mom wants him out of the house. Should I put him in a nursing home to make her happy? - AgingCare.com

Both of my parents live with me and all they do is scream at each other. My dad is too old to care for himself and my mom wants him out of the house. Should I put him in a nursing home to make her happy?

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I am at the point where I am unable to do it all or I will lose my mind. Both of my parents live with me and all they do all day long is scream at each other. My Mom has dementia and her anger at my father increases daily. My Dad was an alcoholic growing up and he put us all thru hell, but he is an old man right now that cannot care for himself. Mom wants him out of here. Do I put him in a NH to make her happy? I hate getting out of bed in the morning to face the same old thing.

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Have them both placed soon or they will outlive you-if they are placed together one social worker can do the paperwork for the both of them -this is what medicaide is for those who are unable to care for themselves and or their spouses-and do not let anyone have you feel guilty-I am sure you have put up with this for a long time and as a counsular once told me you will have to rescue yourself-you should not have to live this way-she may or maynot be able to realize what she is doing but it is driving you crazy so now is the time to get them both out of the house.
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Thanks everyone. I know in my heart that it is time to do something with them, but what? What I am understanding from most agencies is that I cannot force them to do anything against their will. I have 2 sisters and I have given up on any help from them. I have asked them so many times in the past to just take them overnight one time a month or every other. One sister visits one time a week for a few hours and the other is kinda like...outa sight, outa mind! I know I need to do something with them, but I have such guilt. You probably won't believe this one, but my husband doesn't think I should force them to go anywhere they don't want to. He does help when he's here, but he works a lot of hours and does not deal with it as much as I do. I know it's wrong, but I feel pulled in so many different directions that it is just easier sometimes to do nothing.
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As much separate time as possible for everyone is a good idea. Day Health Programs For Seniors or even other relatives who could take one or the other for a bit....
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It does sound as if it is high time for both parents to move. I do like the suggestion about removing meds (it's a good alternative), but it may be better to separate everyone to calm the situation down first--especially for you! Take an inventory of exactly what each parent can and cannot do and what limitations of activity they have. Then check for housing options that fit each set of abilities. There are checklists for activities and options on this website. And I'm sending a virtual hug!
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First, try a trial of taking them off ALL meds. Look up Beers Criteria on the net. Has chart of drugs dangerous for old people, many many causing dementia, anger, seizures, muscle cramps, urine retention, etc. Get ok with doctor to withhold certain ones as test...others have to have gradual withdrawal. You may find different people once you do that. Mom improved with each Rx taken away and is now on nothing cept stool softener and a few otc.

Has anyone else done this? I keep mentioning it and few ever say "gee worked for us..." Statin drugs...can really whack it to ya.
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Bonnie, from this description and other questions you have raised, I would say it is high time for both of them to be moved out of your house as soon as possible.
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Bonnie--If you can reason with the-Perhaps you can suggest a facility for them both--such as assisted living. This might even start another battle, but it may be worth the try. They have to be made to realize, at some level, you to are a person-and do not need this toxic bantering. An outside facility might just be the answer.
Best~
Hap
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Assisted living for both is appropriate at this time.
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My experience is so similar; can you consider getting her into day care and then keep her separate from him in the house? Whatever he did in the past is past. Before he is hurt physically, maybe he should be allowed to choose an assisted living situation for himself, and you can put her in a more focused Alz center or day care to spare your own sanity. Who says she won't turn on your next - this is what my mother did. My parents were a dysfunctional alcoholic couple who never worked on their relationship so when they both became "manacled together" as invalids, things spiraled and became physical. It's not worth letting these things go so far out of control, there are resources at your disposal. Contact your town's elder services, they WILL have solutions!!
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Do you think your mother is giving your father some payback from the 'hell' that he put his family through in his younger years? Or is this just the dementia talking? If the filter that we have in our brains that stop us from saying whatever we're thinking at the time has been turned off so to speak, then she could very well mean every thing she's saying to him. Maybe she's the one that should be put in a nursing home or an adult foster care depending on how bad her dementia is and is going to get.
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